Young Writers Society

Oh dear Colly, I never clarified that?

:S

gyrfalcon wrote:Totally agree....*edits*

Thanks a bunch!!!

Edit: this way, the emphasis is on "a man," rather than the fact that he's dead--what I was shooting for in the first place.

Totally agree....*edits*

Thanks a bunch!!!

Edit: this way, the emphasis is on "a man," rather than the fact that he's dead--what I was shooting for in the first place.

I do think "a man" would be cool. So you're going for something like this?

Here lies a man who loved
One woman, deeper than his fear.
A man who hated
With passion unsurpassed.
A man who dreamed
Of what could never be.
A man who risked
More than his life for those
Who never knew.

Yeah, I think that sounds better.
-Colleen

hmmm....cad, what would you think if I just eliminated "here lies" after the first time--I don't know if I would be good with just "he," but do you think "a man" would be cool?

I have to agree that it would be better without the repitition and perhaps you could go deeper into what he has done. Rather than just stating his deeds, describe them a little. If this is written by Snape then maybe he ends it with 'Here I lie' or something but if it's written by someone else about Snape, perhaps a few lines like 'And now I shall write it for the world to read - Here lies a hero' just to add a bit of something. Overall, it's good but it could be more dramatic and poetic.

Cool advice, cad, thanks much! *blushes* stupid typo.....

Hmm...my impression of Ed's contest was that you were supposed to write a poem that Snape would write...but you could argue that he would write his own epitaph in a burst of depression, and besides, you writing his epitaph is perfectly okay in my opinion. I suppose Ed can clear it up himself.

Meaning. I thought this was awfully appropriate for Snape, especially the last few lines. *tear*

Repetition. At first I didn't like the repetition of "Here lies a man..." but it's starting to grow on me. In any other poem, I would be awfully opposed to it, but I think as an epitaph you might have a little more freedom with it. As a poem, though...I would take them out after the first one. Here's how I might modify it:
Here lies a man who loved
One woman, deeper than his fear.
A man who hated
With passion unsurpassed.
He dreamed
Of what could never be.
He risked
More than his life for those
Who never knew.
Obviously, that comes off a little stilted and funny-sounding, but do you get the idea?

Oh, and spelling error on the fifth line. You might want "Here" instead of "Her".

Good luck!
-Colleen