This is one of my two entries for Whence's "The Snape" poetry comp. Let me know what you think! (note: this would appear on the tomb of Severus Snape)
Here lies a man who loved
One woman, deeper than his fear.
A man who hated
With passion unsurpassed.
A man who dreamed
Of what could never be.
A man who risked
More than his life for those
Who never knew.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Oh dear Colly, I never clarified that?
:S
That's excellent. It does seem that way, now. I was ever so sad when he died, and I think this way sounds nicer. It is better to have the emphasis on him, as you said, rather than his death. And I'm glad to help out.
I'm still wondering if Ed's contest would include actual epitaphs as well as I'm-pretending-to-be-Snape-writing-a-poem poems. Obviously, this wouldn't have been written by Snape, although I have heard of people writing their own epitaphs before.
-Colleen
Totally agree....*edits*
Thanks a bunch!!!
Edit: this way, the emphasis is on "a man," rather than the fact that he's dead--what I was shooting for in the first place.
I do think "a man" would be cool. So you're going for something like this?
Here lies a man who loved
One woman, deeper than his fear.
A man who hated
With passion unsurpassed.
A man who dreamed
Of what could never be.
A man who risked
More than his life for those
Who never knew.
Yeah, I think that sounds better.
-Colleen
hmmm....cad, what would you think if I just eliminated "here lies" after the first time--I don't know if I would be good with just "he," but do you think "a man" would be cool?
I have to agree that it would be better without the repitition and perhaps you could go deeper into what he has done. Rather than just stating his deeds, describe them a little. If this is written by Snape then maybe he ends it with 'Here I lie' or something but if it's written by someone else about Snape, perhaps a few lines like 'And now I shall write it for the world to read - Here lies a hero' just to add a bit of something. Overall, it's good but it could be more dramatic and poetic.
Cool advice, cad, thanks much! *blushes* stupid typo.....
Hmm...my impression of Ed's contest was that you were supposed to write a poem that Snape would write...but you could argue that he would write his own epitaph in a burst of depression, and besides, you writing his epitaph is perfectly okay in my opinion. I suppose Ed can clear it up himself.
Meaning. I thought this was awfully appropriate for Snape, especially the last few lines. *tear*
Repetition. At first I didn't like the repetition of "Here lies a man..." but it's starting to grow on me. In any other poem, I would be awfully opposed to it, but I think as an epitaph you might have a little more freedom with it. As a poem, though...I would take them out after the first one. Here's how I might modify it:
Here lies a man who loved
One woman, deeper than his fear.
A man who hated
With passion unsurpassed.
He dreamed
Of what could never be.
He risked
More than his life for those
Who never knew.
Obviously, that comes off a little stilted and funny-sounding, but do you get the idea?
Oh, and spelling error on the fifth line. You might want "Here" instead of "Her".
Good luck!
-Colleen