Young Writers Society

hi,

It will be my longest review I have ever written. So buckle up. I loved this piece a lot. So I am now going to tell you few nice things about it. Not few, many things. Wow, what a piece it is! When I first chose it I thought why I would read it. But I started it with great ease. I was comfortable while reading. It is a prologue I know more chapters are about to come. I love YWS because it has a quality writers like you. Always bring something new. I am raw at thinking such stuff, I learned a lot from this piece.

You started it well. I loved the dialogue you wrote.
"Hello, sweetie. My name is Vivian, and I'm writing an article for a newspaper. Would it be okay if I asked you a few questions about what happened two nights ago"

It is a good starter. It generated a curiosity in my mind. 'Actually what happened two nights ago?' I was thinking repeatedly. It is a prologue but now i had to know more. I am very curious to know further. When you will post chapter one? Please post it soon. And notify me when you post it please. I love to read it.

"The girl looked up at her mother, to which she nodded and kissed her head. "Candice, honey, if you do this, the person that attacked you might get caught."

I loved it. The emotions and situation you picked is very well formed. I fond of such writing.
Nicely formed.

"I was sleeping, and, it was around maybe one or two am. I heard my bedroom window open, and I heard light footsteps. When I opened my eyes, there was a girl beside my bed, looking down at me. At least I think so, she had a mask on."

Next thing I liked is the description girl give to vivian. I loved it. I felt it. She was not clear which is more realistic, she was definitive as well as descriptive. Good thing for every writer. Actuality matters.

"Of course sweetie, I have enough information. Thank you for your time. But one more question before you go. Candice, did she say anything"

I loved this part. It left a good impression on every reader, i bet. The answer to this line was even better.

I liked how you end this prologue.

Keepup the good work mate!

Hey there, Eli here for a short but hopefully useful to you review on your work!

Candice is the main character I wished I knew more about, honestly. I think you need a bit more to describe her as a main and maybe give us a bit to imagine her in our heads while reading. At least I need a bit of help in that matter. She seems to be a bit too calm considering what she has gone through which one horrible night. I know that this information might be kept secret from the readers, me included, but why would that girl that came in and told her 'Sweet dreams' would keep exactly only one person, and that one being our main, alive? Maybe this is something you will tell us about in a new part? I hope so because I really want to know or at least be given enough information to guess what is going on. But the last line really was a thrilling final to this prologue because it caught the reader's attention by not telling us why she was told that but still make us interested in trying to understand exactly why.

One thing bothers me though, why would Candice give so many details and decription of her possible attacker, the girl that came through the window, when she will end up adding 'I guess' to it? No way you can quess so highly detailed points. You know them for sure or not. She could answer with 'I am not sure but I think she was...' but in the way it is written it seems like she knows exactly how the girl looks like, but lies anyways.


Overall, I am interested in this story and in the following parts. Part one surely will be amazing! I only have one thing to ask about in one sentence of this work and this review will meet its end.



The girl looked up at her mother, to which she nodded and kissed her head.

So the girl, our main, looks up to her mother and nods to her. And the mother kisses the head of her child right? In this sentence, it is grammarly composed like the kid is kissing the mother's head.

Keep on writing!

Hi there...
Its bloody for a review.
It's going to be a good story, that much I can tell but there are just a couple of flaws I need to point out.

I don't think the girl should say:

"...ask away."

Maybe just "sure" will do.

Also, about the part where the serial whatever comes in through the window...
Why don't you say:
"I was sleeping and it was around maybe one or two am.
I awoke with a start as I heard the bedroom window open..."

Try something like that. Something more dramatic, I think.
And the suspense you created with the last sentence is so damn good. You have managed to insert a hook into the reader's mouth.
I think that's about it.
All in all, it's an excellent prologue and I predict that if you work hard enough you're gonna get a good story, maybe even a bestseller.
That's it from me and I am sorry if I have offended you.
Keep working hard and may you be a successful writer.

-GB

Hello, there. I'm Bluecoral. Now, before I start, I want to apologize if the quality of my review will not satisfy you. It had been a long time since I logged in to this website, and I have never been a reviewer at all. So, if you have some pointers to make a better review, do tell.

-

First impression- The prologue is simple and short. It kind of remind me of a starting for a creepypasta story. The setting is just right; an interview with a surviving victim. Though, I can't pinpoint where they held the interview. From the girl's dialogue I'm guessing it's not in their home, but I think it's somewhere quiet. A cafe or something?

One thing I noticed the most is you don't give enough details of the situation. One of them being the thing I wrote above. You don't say where they are. It might be not that important, because the characters' actions are still going on so it kind of covering for the issue. But it make for a more vivid imagination, don't you think?

While you are doing good on dialogues, I wish to see more expressions. Literally, but much more. There's the show don't tell rule. I'm sure you are also familiar with using five senses to describe? Yes, this overall expressions.

You can also make the characters show some more emotions. Example: the girl, I wish to see her shaking as she was recalling the night. When she hesitated to wether or not she should reply to the interviewer, I want to see the doubt on her face, the way she stared warily at Vivian.

I emphasize this because this is actually a smooth writing. Although the starting is cliche, but I'm up for the thrill, because no matter how many time you read this kind of stories, they are just so fun to read, perhaps because of how much feeling and emotions are put in this genre. It depend heavily on making readers interested in the next action, and you already got that.

Plot- since this is just a prologue, there will be so many more to come. It doesn't hold anything new, but I anticipate for what you are planning. Simply because an opening just mean a starter, and one get to dig more as the story goes on. And good job for making a clear prologue. You write it so readers will know what they are getting to. The cause is the mysterious attacker. And the story will go around how they will catch the person.

You also put enough information for this to be a strong prologue. This mean, you also hide some things that will be reveal in the future, like what exactly happened that night, and how did she survive the attack. This is a good thing. You make the reader stay for the show.

Characters- Candice is a kid, isn't she? Because Vivian called her sweetie, and isn't that how you always address a kid so they will cooperate with you? Do tell me if I'm wrong. I can't exactly put what her characteristics are, but for someone who just went through an event that can make someone traumatized, she is surprisingly calm. Maybe it is the lack of description, but I'm seeing from her dialogues' perspective. Or maybe this in intended? It might be related as to why she can survive.

The mother is shown concerned at the beginning. But she too, is composed and quiet mostly. Maybe because her daughter is like that. She doesn't coax or do something resembling making sure her daughter is feeling safe.

Overall, this is promising.

Hey @gxldencrxwns and welcome to YWS (a belated one xD)! This time, I'll be your reviewer. This is a really short prologue and I don't have to comment on.

I don't know if this is only me, but I kind of liked the last line of the prologue...somehow the "sweet dreams" thing caught me eye. So this is a serial killer and I'm SO curious how Candice survived this.

A quibble I might have is that Candice's explanation is only partial. Seems as though the event just froze midair when Candice saw the girl looking down at her. So...what happened next? Maybe it's because Candice is rather indifferent to this and I can kind of imagine reporters like Vivian having difficulty pulling information out of people. Maybe this could be because you need to hide the info, but Vivian was asking her "exactly what happened that night." I won't insist to bring out it, though. Just keep this in mind, maybe.

Another thing I was wondering about was how this event affected Candice. This killed a lot of people and only Candice survived? Did it leave any traumatic scars on her state (I don't mean physical)? Because, to me, she doesn't sound shaken by it at all. Perhaps she's very little and is rather confused by all the hubbub, but to me, surviving the "Grim Sleeper" must have changed Candice(or she has changed and we simply don't know the previous her).

One final critique I have is that I wish the setting was developed more. Setting can enhance the mood and atmosphere. They also provide good fodder for action beats in dialogue, where the characters interact with whatever "props" are there in the scene, like walls and stands and tables. Sometimes you can also hide something important in the setting (like something that will help the MC out of a tight situation). The reason I really like description is that I can picture the scene in my mind. I find it rather lacking here and I hope I can see more of it!

But other than the notes I have above, this was a quick fascinating read! I'm intrigued by this Grim Sleeper and I'm excited to know how Chapter One will open up. Hope this helped, and I'll do my best to reply if you have any questions or comments! Remember to use anything you find useful and toss aside the rest