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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Self-Justice (Ch. 1)

by gxldencrxwns


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Lemonsucker. The nickname started this monstrosity of events over a period of ten years. From the fight, the sexual assault, the attempted kidnapping, and the murder of a man and his daughter. The nickname started it all. 

And what, or preferably who, caused the nickname lemonsucker?  Five friends in an England Boarding School, a jealous crush, and a new girl with a high pitched voice. 

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The usual quiet hallways were filled with noise when the school bell rang for lunch. Kids from ages 8 to 17 filled the hallways as everyone walked to the cafeteria. Teachers stood against the wall, they were always the last to go to the cafeteria.

In the front of the crowd were a group of five ten-year-olds. They were by no means popular, their classroom was just closest to the cafeteria. Their names were Elizabeth, Will, Oliver, Issac, and Abigal. 

Elizabeth was the leader of the group. Her gray hair was in curly pigtails that stopped at her waist, a good addition to her pale hazel eyes. Her school uniform, a navy blue button-up shirt, a navy blue skirt, and black flats, was clean and new looking, unlike the others, which had stains and rips.

Will, Oliver, and Issac were triplets. All three of them had the same shaggy dirty blonde hair, the same crooked grin, and even the same personalities. Their only difference was their eye color. Will had blue eyes, Oliver had green eyes, and Issac had hazel eyes. Their uniform was more simple, only having a navy blue button-up shirt and black dress pants, with their choice of dress shoes.

Lastly, there was Abigal. She was one of the many foreign exchange students at the school. She was born in Germany and had learned English pretty quickly, although she had a deep and obvious German accent. Her brown hair stopped at her shoulders, she had amber tinted brown eyes, and her shirt had rips all over the shoulder part of it. 

By the time the students got to the cafeteria, lunch was already five minutes in. Elizabeth groaned. 

"They need to make the lunchroom closer. The teachers complain we never finish our lunch even though were always five minutes late." She opened the door and got in line, the other four behind her. 

"Thanks, Captain Obvious," Issac muttered, crossing his arms. Elizabeth turned around and faced him, slapping the top of his head. 

"Screw you!" she growled. Then Will popped his head up beside Isaac, who he was behind. 

"I would," Will pushed Issac aside and stood in front of Elizabeth, "like to see that." 

Elizabeth growled at Will and turned around. "And now I'm creeped out." 

Will rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I forgot you like a guy who you have no chance with."

Elizabeth whipped back around and pushed her face against Will's. "Listen here you little shit, I am the one for Jeff. He just can't get it through his thick skull. Trust me." 

Maybe a nano-second after Elizabeth finished her sentence, a boy their age ran up beside them. He had an apple in one hand, and a book in the other. "I heard my name."

Elizabeth took one look at the boy and blushed hard, starting to twirl her hair in nervousness. "H-hey Jeff." 

Jeff was also a foreign exchange student, but he was the only one from America that was their age. His black hair was cut marine style, and add that with dark blue eyes and black glasses, it would make any girl fall head over heels at least once.

Jeff grinned. "Hey, Liz! Did you say my name earlier? I swear I-" 

Abigal stepped in. "No, she didn't. I think someone else did near the front of the line, though." Jeff nodded at her and walked back to his seat. 

"What was that for? I was doing good!" Elizabeth spat. Abigal shrugged. 

"Hey, I only did it because Will looked like he was about to lose his shit. I just stopped a fight before it started. You're welcome?" she shrugged and went back to her spot in line. 

Elizabeth looked at Will. "You were getting mad?" she asked. 

"Um, yeah! I thought I was the only one who could call you Liz! I've known you longer than anyone in this damn school, and you act like I'm never there sometimes!" Will growled.

"Well, sometimes it's hard to tell if you're really Will or not, b-"

"Guys, stop it," Oliver interrupted. "Let's just get our lunch, and forget this whole ordeal. Will, just let it go that Li- Elizabeth is helplessly stuck in this deep dark hole called love, and she'll never get out."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Gee, thanks Oliver."

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"Finally! The day's over!" 

Elizabeth and Abigail said their goodbyes to Will, Oliver, and Issac as before they walked to the girls' side of the school, where their dorm rooms were. Most of the walk there was quiet, except for gossip and conversations from the teenage girls passing by. 

"I can't believe those girls talk about their best friends like that. I better tell them about it," Elizabeth whispered into Abigail's ear. In response, she laughed. 

"You, a ten-year-old girl that looks eight, will tell fifteen to seventeen-year-old girls that their best friend is talking bad about them? And have them believe you? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard!" Abigail patted Elizabeth's back. "But, take your shot sweetie." 

"I never said I was going to, are you crazy?" Elizabeth asked. Abigail chuckled but didn't say anything after that. The rest of the walk to their room was quiet, but the two would let out the occasional laugh or chuckle. 

Abigal typed the code on their door and walked in. No words were exchanged as the two girls undressed and changed into their pajamas. 

"Night, Abigal," Elizabeth muttered while crawling in her bed. 

Abigal yawned. "Goodnight, you little faggot."


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66 Reviews


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Tue Jun 20, 2017 4:35 pm
iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...



Hi there! Thanks for reviewing my poem "Becoming Human"! Here I am giving you a review back! Let's get started:

First thing I noticed was some of the more technical stuff, specifically the punctuation. More than once, I saw sentences like

"They were by no means popular, their classroom was just closest to the cafeteria."

You connect two independent clauses together without a conjunction, which tripped me up a little bit whenever I read sentences where this happened. Just look for those throughout your story and fix them. Reading your story out loud can help you identify places where your sentences are incorrect or they don't flow they way you'd like them to.

Also, like Lupa22, I thought there was a little TOO much description in the first half. It felt like a bit of rambling when I read it. When you are reading through this, ask yourself if readers REALLY need to have that one extra detail or not. I'd suggest unfolding the characters in their dialogue and mannerisms throughout the chapter, not all in a few paragraphs.

I really enjoyed your voice coming out in the piece; it made it easier for the characters to come alive.

Good luck on your future chapters! Have fun writing and have a fun day!




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558 Reviews


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Reviews: 558

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Tue Jun 20, 2017 2:26 am
erilea wrote a review...



Heya, gxldencrxwns! It's Lupa here for the first review. Oh, and a belated welcome to YWS! Let's get started! :D

1) In the first two paragraphs, you say the word "cafeteria" three times, which is quite repetitive. It gets a little annoying after a while, too. You could use "lunch room" instead.

2) There's also a description overload in the next few paragraphs. There were individual explanations for each of the characters--what they looked like, their clothes, etc. I'd prefer it if you worked most of that information into the story, instead of in one giant chunk.

3) I want to know some things about the students. Their conversation while waiting in the lunch line seems to go everywhere at once, and I don't see a real link between their dialogue. They go from complaining about being late to confrontations to talking about a guy Elizabeth likes in just a few sentences. Staying on one topic would make the conversation more understandable and easier to follow.

I liked the relationships you established in the first chapter, especially the one between Elizabeth and Jeff (young love, right?). :P I hope to see more soon. Keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22





It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer