Published December 18, 2007
prolouge,
Okay, this was interesting. It wasn't very long, so I won't complain about that, I'll just point out what should be changed.
First of all, I'll do your grammar/punctuation for you. You can just post this above.
"Give me the money or I'll kill the hostages!" Said the man. He had to he had to do this, this man was beaten in to the Mafia. He would die if didnt't. He could run but they would find him no matter what.
"Put the gun down. PUT IT DOWN!" Said the officer.
They could kill me if they wanted to, so why dont they? Thought the man. So why don't they? Well its time to run. the man got to the window, his stone heart beating like a low drum, and jumped.
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To Be continued.
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Okay, this was interesting. It wasn't very long, so I won't complain about that, I'll just point out what should be changed.
First of all, I'll do your grammar/punctuation for you. You can just post this above.
"Give me the money or I'll kill the hostages!" Said the man. He had to he had to do this, this man was beaten in to the Mafia. He would die if didnt't. He could run but they would find him no matter what.
"Put the gun down. PUT IT DOWN!" Said the officer.
They could kill me if they wanted to, so why dont they? Thought the man. So why don't they? Well its time to run. the man got to the window, his stone heart beating like a low drum, and jumped.
There you go. For now, I'll just point out that you should split up your paragraphs based on the subject. You can't have two people speaking in one paragraph, that's a given; neither should you have two people doing separate things in one paragraph unless the things are directly related to each other.
It's hard for some people to know when to go to a new paragraph, but just keep in mind that the length of a paragraph is not written in stone. Just keep writing and it'll start to come to you.
But I suggest you post more if you want a real critique; most people can't give a whole lot of comments on just a paragraph.
Also, keep in mind that we suggest you critique two things for everyone one you post. ^_^