z

Young Writers Society



Like a river pt 1

by guy13


Hi after my last slip-up I guess this is the best I can do....


The day was young and so were we,
Eating by the water.
She loved me and I loved her back.
We planned to have a daughter.
But one day she told me,
My love, my fairest true.
I look upon this river,
And it dose remind me of you.
Because our love is like a river,
Flowing very fast.
But that won't be a problem you see,
For our love is built to last.
And I look upon this river,
It's an omen,
Can't you see?
For I love you fairest.
Won't you please marry me?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
23 Reviews

Points: 2890
Reviews: 23

Donate
Thu Nov 13, 2008 2:44 am
Chupatoasta wrote a review...



Hey hey Paul! It's Corie!!
Ha-ha!

And I look upon this river

capitalize the i

For I love you fairest.

capitalize the i again :?

Won't you please will you marry me please?

take out the 'please will you' and add 'please' at the end




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Wed Nov 12, 2008 5:56 pm
Arashi wrote a review...



GREAT POEM! I liked that whole analogy of our love is like a river. Short and sweet to the point nicely done. Could use some editing but what poem couldnt? keep it up I'd like to read more :)





'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy