Published April 13, 2008
"So, what is it?" asked Jacobe as he looked at the present his father had bestoed upon him."Anything you want it to be, just love yourself,and your famliy."Said his father as he closed his eyes forever.
***
His fathers last words, Jacobe's father had died that morning. Three months later, Jacobe still had the ring.He had never taken it of.
"What's up jay?"that was his freind, Kate, "you looked down."
"It's just,"
"The dad thing buggin' you?"
"Yhea."
That was Kate, always had a backstage pass to your head."you have to let it go Jay! you've been like this for, like, three months now! you used to be all happy-go-lucky and now your all,like, gloom 'n doom Emo king!"
"Kate I ..."
"No, get over it! Now!!!!!"
"Yes supream overloard."
"You beter beleive it!"Said Kate,"will you please get over the past?"
"Alright, alright! Sheesh" Said Jacobe. "Mail call for Jacobe Smith?"Said a man."Right here!" Said Jacobe. "do you need my.....?Oh my god that was fast, He's gone already!"
"Well,"said kate,"What is it?"
"A map."
"A Map?"
"Yep, just a map."
"Big whoop."
"Toatly." But little did Jacobe know, this was a very big deal.
***
English class, worlds least favorite subject, and as far as Jacobe was concernd... well....."This has done gotta be the worstest subject ever!" see what i mean? The world of english dose not smile on the poor boy.
"pstst, Jacobe!"said kate,"wake up!!! english is over!" "You mean the tourture chamber is empteing?" Said jacobe.
"Yes, you idiot, oh, and newsflash, test on Monday! Retard!"
"Oh crap!!!"
"Yes, oh crap!"
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,445 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
The bold words need correcting. There's some other capitalising mistakes in other places but you can find them.
Be carefull with spelling and capitalizing names !! Run a spellcheck over it before you post, I advice.
Overall it's not bad, but due to its shortness it is difficult to get a sense of what the characters are like. I'd advise you to extend the story.
Keep writing!
Xxx Do
Hey guy13, this is just a future reference for dialogue punctuation for your future stories.
Keep writing and best of luck.
I've kept everything the same except spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors. Once you've got it, then writing will faster and more enjoyable for you...even more than it is now
Ah k well, fair enough.
guy13, if you want I don't mind correcting dialogue, etc so the others can enjoy your work as well. Just PM
Talk soon
Inky
Your stories are cool. I like the dialogue you chose. And your characters sound cool and like normal teenagers, lol. Nice job!
From what you tell me it will turn out to be a very good story...
But you REALLY need to fix your grammar.
also Guy13 called me and told me this:
"Tell ink that I just really can't spell."...
Ok, first thing's first. Did you mean to spell everything incorrectly?
Also the punctuation is non-existant in some areas,
It's short...and I really have no feelings for any of the characters. I don't understand the plot, or crux yet...etc.
Maybe some expansion would benefit this...?
Even if you did mean the spelling mistakes, I'd fix them. It's terrible and it makes it so hard to read.
Work on it
Peace V
Inky