LIVING AFTER MIDNIGHT-THE MAGICAL WORLD
The night was a bit unusual one. The thought of my dead friend prevailed through my mind.I longed to have a look at his smile and to hug him with all my love just for one more single time. I walked out of the house and lay on the lush green grass. On my east lay the majestic mountains with the serene beauty of their snow caped peaks . The moon shone bright at the highest horizon in the sky.The stars played their job quite well by illuminating each wonderful gift of nature in such a way that they looked more perfect than the drawings of Da Vinci.A cool breeze blew over the the grass giving a soothing effect . I lay down there remembering the wonderful times I had with my friend.Nothing seemed to calm the battles raging in my mind.I seemed to be tired with both the busy urban life and the nomadic rural life and eagerly wished for eternal rest.My body which was more exhausted than other days, seemed to no longer be able keep my eyes open which were imposing a lot of pressure.I had almost felt asleep when a person comes and stands in front of me.
I could not recognise who was standing in front of me.Whoever it was,the shadowy outline of the person in the bright moonlight,reached out for me.I could not resist but passed on my hand which it held quite tight. I opened my eyes and to my surprise I found my friend who had been dead about an hour ago. The more astonishing thing was that i never felt afraid of him. He began to run and so did I. I never knew why I was running but I knew I was running the "run of life".We crossed the huge fields which lay in front of us and sat on the peak of the mountains to witness the majestic beauty of the rising sun which was revealing itself from behind the huge mountains further down the east. It was the first time I opened my mouth and asked him whether he was really dead or alive.My friend gave a little giggle and pointing towards the sun said" see the sun, it's not alive right , but it keeps on illuminating the lives of people for eternity. Likewise you just cannot condemn a person to be dead as soon as his heart stops beating.Every person whose thought prevails in your memory,in fact anyone with whom you have shared a smile or an instance of friendly gesture lives forever. They actually live forever inside you.The only thing left is to discover it." Saying so he seemed to disappear.I was spellbound by his words and therefore could neither say nor do anything.The next thing I remember was the golden rays that of the sun which had caused my eyes open.I realised i was sleeping but this sleep was one which I could not have afforded to be forgotten.I walked down to the market place.I met one of our neighbours who said me"sorry to hear about the death of your friend".I passed my hand over his shoulders and said"you know the truth is that he is actually exists." I could see the man a lot confused.Then pointing towards his heart I said "he actually survives in a magical world out there but the problem is that I am not pretty sure about his address. But I am sure that any help from you would be greatly acknowledged."Both of us laughed our hearts out.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Ok hi fizzygirl reviewing here.
If I'm going to be brutally honest your grammar is messy but so was mine for my first story, when you wrote "I had almost felt asleep" I gather you meant to say "I had almost fell asleep"? Which wouldn't be correct either the correct grammar would be " I had alsmot fallen asleep" but that's just me being mean and nit picking. This is a whole new outlook on death but I think there needs to be more description and things just happen very abruptly.
I did enjoy reading your story and you should keep writing and improving your work. Also when you finish a sentence and put a full stop at the end of it you put a gap between the next word and that full stop. For example take this sentence "saying so he seemed to disappear."gap next word and continue. To make the story more powerful emphasize on your sadness and say a few sentences about how you are feeling, maybe a more dramatic ending like " my friend will always will be with me, forever."
Great first story though and well done keep writing and improving!
-fizzygirl
Hey RavenBlack here!
Great first story, I found it to be an interesting outlook on death so well done for being creative that's one of the first things that makes a good writer
Let's start with the positives:
- Overall great description, I love how you described the nature it made it seem that the place where the characters were, was like heaven and made death seem like a happy thing rather than a sorrowful event.
Time for the negatives: T_T
- The layout seemed crammed to me, just looking at the chunky paragraphs before reading it put me off. Make sure to use your paragraphs correctly, there was many times when I could see where a new paragraph could start.
- The speech should be on it's own line and by it being in a paragraph made it really confusing.
- There are times when their no spacing after you finish a sentence - e.g. They actually live forever inside you.The only thing left is to discover it.
Make sure to check over your work to make sure there are little to no mistakes
Other than that great story. Congrats on your first piece and keep writing
Thanks a lot for the review. I hope to better my writing the next time.
Hey there gutle and welcome to yws! Congrats on posting your first story. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Uh just one thing that I noticed about your title and description that I would like to bring up before we get started. You don't really have much of a title in the title spot but I believe I saw a proper title at the top of the page. If you could just neaten that up a bit, I think you'll find it makes organizing your portfolio, so so much easier. You also have quite a few typos here and there, just some missing spaces and under case caps that shouldn't be there. It's nothing really serious but it does repeat all the way through out the story, so you may want to improve your proofreading methods. If you're still having trouble with it, there's plenty of writing clubs and chances to find a writing partner, on YWS.
I'm going to try and get through this as quickly as possible and just go a bit in depth into everything, and then leave the rest of this for someone else. I've got 8 minutes left so let's rule.
The second big thing that hit me is that you only have two paragraphs and they're just big walls of texts, something that bothers me as a writer and a reviewer. It's rare that walls of text are actually the right length and fit together well so basically the whole thing is most likely going to be split up a bit. I'll get back to this section if I have time.
As I read on the grammar things continued to bother me, as well as they will irk any reader who comes across this so that's really the big thing you have to focus on. A story is as much about presentation as it is about the content. There is not much dialogue for me to go on but it's all jumbled in with the rest of the text, making it even more confusing. The standard sort of guideline for dialogue in short stories/novel chapters, is to make a new line when you start a speech. It just keeps everything organized and it's clear who is talking and when. I see you already have some action dialogue tags attached, which will help but it needs to be straightened out more.
The concept of this was pretty intriguing to me, as is pretty much anything that's written about the afterlife because everybody tries to take their own stab at it. It sounds a bit like a combination of a dream world and a ghost world, I don't know really how to feel about it since I just glanced it over. It sounds fun but it also sounds a bit choppy because you don't have a very great variety in the sentence structure. Just try and mix things up a bit and your story will just get a little jump start on advancing.
Alright I'm going to head out now. If you ever have any questions about anything, just ask me or any other user in green or red.
Have a nice day and good luck.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Thanks a lot for the review and feedback. This will help me correct my mistakes and motivate me to write further.