Published December 19, 2008
The surrounding darkness doesn’t help
no, just makes the movie playing behind
my eyes just seem brighter
just more real
just makes me
wish you were here
Each day seems so much longer
without you with me.
Each night sleepless,
I don’t need sleep to be
dreaming of your face.
To make me see you even when I know
you can’t possibly be here.
But that doesn’t stop me from hoping
that maybe this is the day when I can
see your face again and awaken myself
from the nightmare I’ve been living
since you’ve been gone.
Each day less bright,
each night more dark,
Without your uplifting light.
I wish you were here
lying next to me
helping to keep my fears at bay.
I wish you were here,
lying close to me.
Your head on my chest as I held you
throughout the hours of the night
Then again maybe it’s a good thing
Now you don’t have to see my tears
caused by the shit I put up with
Now you don’t have to see the scars and
bruises caused by lost tempers,
not always my own
Then again, maybe you could
make the tears and scars go away
Like when we were together
like you make them when you were here
God, I wish you were here
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
hi, you poem is simply emotional and very touching and brings toind the sweet sorrow in parting ways.
your poem is nice. keep it up
This was by far the best stanza in my opinion-the word choice was superior to the others
and the emotions came to an all time high. The last line is so provocative-it made me
as the reader think about times where this poem makes sense. Awesome poem.
I agree with above though-if you elevated your diction a little the response both emotionally
and aesthetically would be more positive.
Hello guitargrl1323,
you have a good start here. Relatable theme, no obvious mistakes, but I think you could work on this some more and it could be really good.
Punctuation
I did see that you have the occasional full stop and comma in your poem, but I think it would be good to punctuate the entire poem. Punctuating is like giving a tempo in music. You get the chance to decide how the poem is read and can bring out your message all the better by doing so. Punctuation is such an important tool, take more advantage of it!
Here's a great artice from the knowledge base I think will be useful for you. It explains about punctuation and poetry very well.
In this case what I changed may just be personal preference, but I think the dashes have a stronger effect. A comma would just say "next statement" or next whatever. The dashes show that the previous and following are strongly connected and even shows that they are somewhat opposed to each other. It's like saying "look, on the contrary". Does that make sense to you?
The full stop is just to say "statement made".
Wording
I think if your wording was more precise this could be a lot more interesting and you'd suceed in defining what you mean a lot more. You could give a lot more ellaborate pictures of what you want to express.
You use so many general word like "make" or expressions like "good thing". They don't say anything special. This could be so much stronger, if you'd define more clearly what exactly it feels like. What exactly the situation is.
In this case for example: "To make me see you" is so general. Is the lyrical I having visions? Daydreaming? Do his/her eyes keep wandering to the same photograph? What exactly? (And what's going on in the lyrical I's head and heart when he/she keeps seeing the "you"?)
Here's a great article on word choice that may help you.
I hope this review was helpful. Feel free to PM me with any questions. Keep it up!
~Kalliope
Hi there!
So, on to the review!
I liked this. it was okay/good
Didn't find any grammar mistakes but something could have slipped.
I suggest you put a . on the end of the first line, make it more affirmative.
You seem confused. Sometimes that's good, in a poem, to show confusing, but it would probably be better to show it in a different way. it sounds just too confused 8never thought I would say this).
Anyway, hope I helped and keep writing!
Pretty emotional, so because of that I will simply critique one aspect. The way some of the lines flow into the next is off-setting to me as they are complete thoughts then into the next line which isn't a complete thought and continued to the line after such as: "The dog is red; the big red dog; runs around" just an example where the semi-colons are the breaks, confuses me a bit. Aside from that this piece is pretty heartfelt and emotional, hopefully things work out for you.