Published January 21, 2009
A note: this is not in any way true
I’m sitting in a plain white room
Filled with all my favorite things
Hard booze and lots of smoke
But even with the door closed
The pain won’t stay outside
It’s rising up, filling up,
all the empty places
No, that’s not enough
I’m drowning in the pain
how much smokes gonna fill my head
before it’ll get the hell out
Break the walls and limitations
fill lungs with sweet, sweet smoke
Swim in the taste of hard core liquor
Coming up, choke it up
There’s no one here this time
Find a corner in this circle room
Curl up among the empty bottles
Light a joint to try and
Close the door and escape
From the ghosts haunting my past
Break the walls and limitations
fill lungs with sweet, sweet smoke
Swim in the taste of hard core liquor
Coming up, choke it up
There’s no one here this time
The voices are starting to shout all around
inside my head, arguing, shouting
too much now, time to give them what they want
just another drink to keep them quiet and
one more little puff to muffle the sounds
Break the walls and limitations
fill lungs with sweet, sweet smoke
Swim in the taste of hard core liquor
Coming up, choke it up
There’s no one here this time
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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Hi Guitargirl!
I'm with Threnody, I think this would make good song lyrics. I'm not wild about it as a poem, though--I thought it dwelt too much on one emotion. Try putting a story into it, give it some depth and complexity. I think it would also benefit from some set structure or form. And definitely take out the repetition of that one stanza three times over.
Keep writing!
-BFG
Very interesting. I like it. It was filled with a lot of emotion. I just fixed some punctuation~
This poem sounds a lot better with punctuation.
Punctuation.
Punctuation...
Punctuation...
Again, I thought this poem was very deep and makes you feel. Some stanzas are a bit unclear but nothing you can fix with a bit of revising. This would make a good song lyrics as you repeated a stanza, what, three times?
Keep writing and I hope to see you around!
Peace Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody