Published May 4, 2016
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
He waited until 5 o’ clock to make his reply.
Too late for me to wonder whether he
Answered me furtively, upon his lunchbreak,
Or secretly in class, like a naughty schoolboy.
Too early for me to imagine that he hid me from
His lover’s view, the lover who he had made sure I saw
In the photo on his keyring, whose jeans he said he wore when
He stared pointedly at me.
Not in that dim time of the evening when better thought
Is muddied from lack of sleep and blood rushes to
The loins, so I would not imagine him thinking of me,
However tamely, as he lay in bed.
5 o’ clock, most chaste of hours.
His answer was encouraging – of my ambitions.
Interested – in my wellbeing.
Polite. Kind. Brief.
The subtext was there. And the subtext screamed:
I have a girlfriend.
We have a house.
We have a dog.
You are seventeen.
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139,023 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hey, guineapiggirl! clogs here to rescue your poem from the Green Room!
Eeeee, such a nice poem. I'm almost not sure where to start reviewing. I love the way that you never outright stated the main idea, and how you expanded upon it bit by bit until the reader was able to figure it out. It was really well done! However, this wouldn't be a review if I just sat here praising you the whole time, so here are some suggestions:
"Furtively" and "secretly" essentially mean the same thing. These lines are set up to create a contrast, so it's weird that he would be answering secretly both on his lunch break and in class. I think you should find another word to replace "furtively". It just doesn't describe a lunch break very well. Maybe use "furtively" for the second line, just because it's such a nice word.
These lines were confusing to me, specifically the part about the jeans. I'm assuming that this poem is talking about a heterosexual relationship, so the "he" in this poem would have a girlfriend. So it didn't really make sense to me that he would say he wore his girlfriend's jeans. I mean, isn't it usually the other way around? I could just be misreading it, but to me, these lines say that he's wearing his lover's jeans.
Also, I didn't get a whole lot from "he stared pointedly at me". It seemed to indicate that "he" had an interest in the narrator. Again, I could be misinterpreting, but it didn't really make sense.
At this point, you haven't mentioned "5 o'clock" in a while, so it might be good to bring it up again before jumping straight back into the "time" theme. It seemed a little sudden to me. I also feel like this line might be a good place to start a new stanza.
This was the one place in the poem where I felt that it started to get a little too straightforward. Why tell the reader exactly what the subtext said? I think it might be better to show the reaction to the subtext, or even just say what the subtext says without straight-up telling the reader that it's the subtext. The rest of this poem does such a lovely job of being subtle, so it felt weird that you suddenly threw this in our faces.
This line is interesting, but also kind of vague. The rest of this poem doesn't have a "you" that it's speaking to. I'm inclined to think that the "you" is the "he" spoken about in the rest of the poem, but I'm not sure. It just sounds weird that you would suddenly switch to second person like that. Maybe "he is seventeen" would work better. I like how this line is left kind of open, though. It took me a while to even form a guess at what it might mean. I feel like it's the speaker feeling offended at the guy trying to let them down gently or something. I'm not sure, but I think that's the beauty of this line.
A quick note on capitalization. You could consider exploring some other options than capitalizing every line. Here's a Knowledge Base article that describes different capitalization styles:
Capitalization in Poetry
Overall, I really liked this poem! I hope that this rambly review proved useful to you in some way, and keep up the good work!
Hi guineapiggirl!!!
This is Eros here to write a reviw for this beautiful piece of poetry!!
So, now let us start the review by commenting on the title.
A good title should be catchy, attractive, captivating, and short. I found all these characteristics in the title of your poem also.
The next thing is the choice of set of the words. I liked your choice of set of the words. You have used a simple language with heavy words spread somewhere. I liked this part of your poem.
Then comes the theme and the man idea which forms the basis of the poem. I liked the main idea of your poem. It had a humourous touch. Rather, we can say it as a satirical fusion with humour. Like, 98% humour, and 2% satire.
The next thing is what I loved the most about your poem:
1) I liked how you have expressed your thoughts and emotions in a beautiful poetic style.
2) I liked the theme of your poem.
3) I liked the flow of your poem.
4) I liked the meaning of your poem.
One small nit-picky mistake though:
You forgot to hit the spacebar between well and being.
Overall, a GREAT work.
I would now like to end up my review with these lines:
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such beautiful works!!
Have a great day/ night!!