Lone Teen--First Three Chapters

Okay, first of all I really only scanned the last two chapters. And, I do have to say that you might get more critiques, and possibly better ones, if you only post a chapter at a time. Three chapters, and 4000 words, is a lot to read in one sitting. Plus, having a shorter amount could lead to a more in depth review.

The name is Dibrom, Echo Dibrom.

I would put a comma where the hyphen is, as it just flows better in the James Bond way.

[s]I don’t know[/s], I just love the way James Bond says his name like that, I really do.

I would cut out the 'I don't know' entirely, because it really isn't necessary. But, if you really want to include it, I would put a comma to break it apart from the rest of the sentence. Plus, I would include the second sentence as part of the first.

[s]Oh m[/s]My God, let’s face it. You thought I was going to go into a long, drawn out teen angst saga, didn’t you?

I would delete the Oh from the sentence, as it just sounds funny. And, again with including the second sentence with the first.

Some of your smaller sentences could be included with earlier sentences, so you have to watch out for that.

So, you—yeah you—don’t you dare put this book down. I mean it. Everyone needs to know that, though they may have it pretty darn bad, someone out there has it a million times worse. Here’s some insane stuff that rocked my world last year—my [s]damn[/s] junior year of high school:

First of all, I think yeah works better there. And, the comma needs to be there to begin the appositive, the aside note within the sentence. If you find yourself putting in a random comma in a sentence, you might want to look back along the sentence to see if it's an appositive, if it belongs off to the side of the sentence. And, I would rework the entire last sentence, as the first chapter only deals with their move. Also, the curse in the sentence, it doesn't really work with how he's been talking so far. Especially since he said 'Inferno-like' instead of 'hell' in an earlier sentence. Either don't be afraid to curse, or cut them out.

Haha, yes, I bet you’ve formed a classic geek image in your narrow-minded head by now.

You might want to use the same noun to describe whether he's a nerd a geek, of course, I'm of the opinion that the two aren't necessarily the same thing.... And, you might want to give an example of how he doesn't have any friends, with how handsome he was. Something like 'I was always off to myself, calculating equations in my mind.' Of course, his narrative hasn't exactly given us the idea that he was a nerd, or a geek.

I'm getting a bit tired of how narrow-minded he is. First with all of the 'drama' comments and then with this geek stuff now. Plus, you really do prove the drama stuff with how his parents were acting. You might want to tone down on that, or else start a new paragraph to really define the action of them getting in the plane.

As we grazed across the sky

Is 'grazed' really the word you want? It just looks weird. Of course, I kind of got lost within all of the wordy descriptions, and totally missed that they were on a plane.

You’re such gentlemen.

I'd put this in past tense, unless he's still hanging around these guys.

Before we moved he went into a whole story about how emus always ended up isolated due to their odd ways.

Give an example, please? Because, emu's to me are birds that I've really only heard about in passing. And nothing of that was about how isolated they were.

As far as I can remember, these were the thoughts racing through my head during the flight. Little had I known that fate was having some thoughts of its own.

And, I would either expand this first chapter with part of the second chapter, allowing some action to bleed through into the first chapter, or expand those two sentences into a paragraph. And I would just add in some foreshadowing throughout the rest of the chapter, as it would help hook the reader.

Yet, when I got close enough for investigation, they simply and mysteriously vaporized into thin air and I was left waving my hands in the dark as I jerked to actuality.

Start a new paragraph after that sentence, as it really needs it.

Apparently, Wisconsin was the state that held the greatest tally of werewolves sightings in the nation. An outlandishly large number of [s]sightings[/s] them had been recorded here, but nowadays people had forgotten the supposed legends.

Even if Wisconsin has actual werewolves, since he's discussing that they're just legends, it's better to mention that in the beginning. You might want to give an example of how they're forgotten. Because, if they are forgotten, then why is he holding a book on them?

I would say that you should probably give him a bit more time before he gets attacked, but he really rambles on enough already, sorry. Although, I have to wonder why on earth he was in the woods if they were so hard to get through. I mean, he really didn't sound like he was having fun, but you also make no mention of the compulsion that made him enter the woods in the first place.

And if the woods were that dense, how could he see the wolf flitting in between the trees? And, give a bit more explanation for why he keeps referring to the wolf as both a human and a wolf. It shouldn't work both ways, though you can notice human-like traits in wolves, I suppose.

And how could he have lost that much time? I mean, he left the house pretty early in the morning, spent time enough at the library to page through a book, and then went through the woods, and ranted at the wolf. Would that really have taken over twelve hours?

The whole wolf scene really needs some work. Clarifying what he's thinking, beyond that he's just crazily thinking that she's a human. Give some explanation for the wolf, as her biting him was really random.

Lengthen the area where he gets home, will you? At least give that part two paragraphs. It's too long to be just one paragraph. And get rid of the caps lock, it hurts people's eyes. Caps lock isn't really good, especially whole paragraphs.

And why does he say that he met people in town, and not that he got lost in the woods? I mean, is that what would have shut his parent's up the fastest, they would be so grateful that he finally made friends that they wouldn't mention it? But, wouldn't they think that it was strange that he suddenly made friends? I would think that getting lost in the woods would have been a good excuse, and true, too. Give an explanation at least.

I think you really do have to connect the readers to the characters, and vice versa. I mean, Echo is currently saying a lot, but he's not really explaining things.

Your story seems interesting, if not a bit wordy, and I think it will get even better once you get into the plot. I do think that you need a bit more foreshadowing, to draw the reader in and give them an idea of the plot. And, I think it will be interesting to see your take on werewolves.

Good luck with your writing!