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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well apart from the flaws listed above there really isn't much left to say. Unless you count: witty, and brilliant
Hi, it's me again. And congratulations on making me read the second part. Not many people have succeeded in that.
This seems strange, considering he is only hearing the voices. Does he know exactly what "a sadistic witch ritual" is supposed to sound like? If he does, that maybe should have been explained before, or if he doesn't, this line should be changed a little. "I heard voices that sounded like some kind of a sadistic witch ritual" or something, I don't know.
Waah. There we go again. You know what I think about this kind of things, so I won't bore you with it any longer.
The two "quite"s make this sound awkward, so replace one of them with "somewhat" or something else, and we're cool.
That's enough of nit-picking, now I just continue reviewing this generally. To me, even though he carries the story in a fun way, he doesn't seem really nerdy. I don't know how this could be fixed, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.
I like your style. It's easy-going, though in some parts a little rambling. That's ok, though. There are still some punctuation problems, but they're not major. I'll come back to you in the third chapter.
Keep enjoying writing!
Demeter xx
Me again. Good job keeping up the humor, it really does a lot for the story. Good job, too, on using the big words, it makes him sound more like the nerd he's supposed to be.
For the nit-picking, I'm not sure "fantastical" is a word, and in the second-to-last paragraph, "pharaoh's" should be "Pharaoh."
Other than that, I liked it, you have a talent for writing. The plot seems interesting, from what I can guess about it.
Can't wait to read the next part.