.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that this is getting repetitive. I agree with the others about the grammer and title, those definitively need some touch ups.
I love your caracter! It shows that you really spent some time getting to know him. Although you should add to the parts where he said he is shy. Perhaps you could put it in the past tense or say something about him only being shy around people.
Other than that I love it and will definitly continue reading.
-Laura
Quirky and interesting. That's what I'm thinking. I really enjoyed this - you have the voice of the character down, comes across really vividly which is great. There are no pretensions of storytelling either, you explain boldly what's happening and why and I like that. Kept my attention. I think a few of the 'It really did' and 'I really do' lines work well, to begin with, but as Dem mentioned, they get tired really quickly.
I only have two issues with this (aside from the small grammatical bits that you'll pick up yourself in the editing stage). One: you say at first that your entire life, including your actual physical selves, are put into the moving van. It was a nice image and good comedic touch. But moments later you say:
And suddenly you're flying? Clarify, please.
The second, and far greater issue is gender. I do not buy, even for a second, that the character in question is a boy. Unless we're talking about an effete, metro boy - there is simply no way the above narration came out of a boys mouth. I suggest trying not to bridge the divide and make it easier on yourself by making the character a girl. It's where your strength is, no doubt.
p.s loved the emu part. the title should probably incorporate that/
Cheers
Witty and faced paced. Very good for a rough copy
do you mean emo?
still, if you don't keep writing I will gut you myself (just kidding)
Thanks so much for all the improvement suggestions! The chapters I've put up so far are very rough copies and I haven't edited them once. Now I can get started on that with help from you guys. I love Echo and I'd like any suggestions on how to get out the character I'm trying to portray. Again thanks for being so nice to a newbie=)
Hi!
I agree with ChernobyllyInclined on the title thing. I was expecting some teenage bubble gum stuff, but luckily it wasn't that. I know it may be weird and unfun to change any titles at this point, but it will probably pay back.
One thing that caught my eye was that you use very much of redundant filling sentences like "I really do" or "It really did". This is unnecessary and it just flats the meaning of the previous sentence. It really does.
In the fifth paragraph where the narrator talks about why the bullies didn't beat him, in this part:
At first it's "they", then it changes to "you". This is rather weird and awkward, perhaps it could be said in other words?
There are also some punctuation mistakes, quite a lot of rambling and some tense problems. And by the way, "yeah" isn't spelled "yea".
Sorry for being so nit-picky but how else would you improve?
Best wishes from
Demeter xx
I do like it, if were to venture at honesty, but I agree with the above reviewer. He doesn't exactly sound like who he is describing himself to be.
I suppose this could be because he is telling the story AFTER tons of weird stuff has happened and so now he is completely different from his previous extremely shy self. Although since you didn't specify, I'm not sure.
There were very few technical mistakes and I thought the character was very vivid. Often people who write from first person have no idea how to truly get into the characters mind. They end up narrating instructions on how to build a chair. And so, since this was nothing like chair-building instructions, it was good.
My only suggestion is to change the title. It simply does not catch the attention...and it's terribly cliche. Maybe something crazy, since the main character seems pretty far out of his mind.
Anyway, I liked it and I will probably continue reading. Good luck.
There's some grammar and spelling mistakes, but I hate being nit-picky, you might want to try Word's ABC check.
OK, by Emu, are we talking about the bird, because that's kind of confusing.
I like the humor, but in the beginning it sort of seems like you're trying to hard.
The guy is shy, and this is first person, the narrator sure doesn't sound shy. He sounds like a real teen, just not a shy one.
Other than that, I liked it. I like where it's going. PM me when the next part comes out, please.