Hello Hello I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I apologize as I have yet to read the other chapters so I might get things wrong. However, I hope that my thoughts can brighten your day nonetheless. Let's get into it, shall we?
Overall this was quite an interesting read. You never really know what you will get when it comes to Wonderland. There are so many different aspects and takes that can be portrayed due to Alice In Wonderland's general nature. So far this version seems somewhat tame and this hatter is not that mad. But I feel that might be because I am getting such a small sample without further context.
I am also curious just how many classic Wonderland characters will show up. Of course, we have the dormouse the queen of hearts and hatter but I wouldn't be surprised if we see the white rabbit or the Jabberwocky. While we are on this topic I feel using the drink me potion was a nice touch and call back.
Getting back to the top of the writing itself, The queen of hearts seems to be a complex character. At the very least one that is good at misleading and manipulating with fear among other things. A part of me does hope she gains some extra layers beyond being impulsive and cruel. That is what most of her other depictions boil down to and I would love to see some extra depth breathed into her.
Now moving on to feedback I will try to keep this pretty light if I can. As always I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!
I do wish we got a bit more of the sensory details to help ground the reader a bit more. Things like what this prison smells like or if there's a leak constantly dripping can make the setting pop and feel more real.
“I want to know why you are in this prison."
This feels a tad clunky to me, I feel like it could be streamlined a touch. Perhaps rephrase it like this.
“I want to know why you're in this prison."
Might have used the wrong your here but I feel it cuts down on the mouthful.
“Right,” Alastair said. “But first, let me prepare us some tea. We might want something to drink during such a dark topic.” Alastair leaned under the table and pulled out a few bricks from the floor, revealing a secret stash of water and tea pouches. He pulled out the bucket of water and a few tea pouches and began making tea in his teapot.
I feel this would be easier to read if it was split up into two paragraphs instead of one huge one. It could look a little like this.
“Right,” Alastair said. “But first, let me prepare us some tea. We might want something to drink during such a dark topic.”
Alastair leaned under the table and pulled out a few bricks from the floor, revealing a secret stash of water and tea pouches. He pulled out the bucket of water and a few tea pouches and began making tea in his teapot.
Lastly, I want to point out one small thing.
“After that,” Alastair continued, “she decided to keep me prisoner until I fall in love with her.”
I could be wrong here but I sense a tense issue. Since this talking about a past event I feel the tense should match it. I would change it to this.
“After that,” Alastair continued, “she decided to keep me prisoner until I fell in love with her.”
Regardless I enjoyed the little peak you gave us through the proverbial looking glass. I might go back and catch up with what I missed. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
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