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Young Writers Society



ProjeKt Oath chap 1

by grimy89098


In the not so far off distance, he could see a shimmer. He attempted to steer himself away but his curious side had very different ideas. And so he walked, only half reluctantly, towards the shimmer.

The constant burning of the sand beneath his feet; a never relieved reminder this was most likely a bad idea, never mind being dangerous as well. Then again, he thought, walking outside the safety of the tribe grounds was dangerous in its own right, and he has survived that danger for all this time walking.

As he neared the shimmer, it began to take form. As he came closer he realised it was a tree. He was taken aback, although never breaking stride; trees were a rarity in this wasteland of a desert, especially so near to the plain of rock. Still he walked, wondering all the way. He started with mouth agape when he saw what was dripping down off of it, water!

‘That can’t be right,’ he said aloud in surprise.

And yet there it was, a steady dribble from the long leaves. He extended his hand and wet his fingers, it felt like water. He cautiously moved his fingers towards his face and took a whiff of its scent, considering that he hadn’t really thought to smell water before; he didn’t know what to expect, but he thought even if he had known he wouldn’t have been able to identify it, because it had no smell whatsoever anyway.

He decided to taste the small amount on his fingers, it tasted sweet; he decided to drink some more. After drinking a generous amount, he stared the tree some moments more, all the while his muscles began to slack and it felt like tar was running down his limbs and hardening into lead.

He realises his foolishness and shock strikes him to his knees. He scrambles in the sand, digging as fast as his heavy limbs can.

And what he saw was scarier than any story or rhyme told to him as a frightened child could. About a foot down in the hot sand, he realised it isn’t a natural tree, about a foot down, he saw rock.

He closes his eyes.

Beware the dripping rock tree, beware its stare.

Beware its sweet treat, and if you ever see it.

Walk away, walk away.

Then...

Nothing.

*

Viajero’s drifting, falling down. Down this endless void. Voices, surrounding him, talking and talking, generations of dead, those that haven’t chosen between. But he already has made his mind; he had made it that day he made an oath with his friend, the friend he wanted to spend his life with. That day... he remembers.

‘Come back, no matter what happens come back, ok?’ she said to him.

He smiles and promises, ‘Of course.’

His oath pulls him back.

He dreams of falling backwards, back into what was. He glimpses past events, past deeds, good, bad and even time make no difference here in the abyss of memories.

A very familiar and loved voice whispered into his ear, ‘Wake up, Viajero.’

He woke in extreme comfort to his own groaning and some very audible gasps. As soon as he sat up a buzz of talk erupted from many, many small mouths from what he could hear. He creaked one eye open and saw his guess was correct; the room was crowded with pale men and women with curious expressions. He opened the other eye and stared at the odd pale people with equal curiosity.

How can anyone be so pale? This and many more questions unasked and unanswered. Why am I here? How am I here? Tired and confused he laid back down and shut his eyes still listening to the whispers of the pale dogs, that is what he has decided to name them for now.

‘We found you unconscious in the forest, are you ok?’ Inquires one of the women closest to him.

He hears many more questions behind that voice, but those questions were not directed to him, rather whispered to the people closest to them under their breath.

‘How is his skin so dark and tanned?’

‘Where did he come from?’

‘They say he dropped out of the sky.’

‘Don’t be daft, that’s not possible, he’d be dead.’

What scared him the most at the present moment was that he could comprehend the speech, yet they were speaking a completely different language than the only one he knew.

‘Are you alright?’ Again the woman asks. Again he has no idea, so he grunts and hopes it’s answer enough to satisfy them, for the time being at least.

‘Can you speak?’ Apparently it wasn’t.

He sat back up and spoke in a surprisingly even voice, ‘I’m fine, now leave me in peace.’

Suddenly a cannon shot of shocked gasps and chatter erupted around the room, several people went so far as to step out of the room. He hadn’t meant to burst out like how he had, and he had no clue why he could speak in their language, but it had a desirable effect as far as he was concerned.

‘Excuse me sir, but considering we found you and gave you hospitality the least you could do is answer our questions.’ This was said by a rough man’s voice somewhere behind the crowd.

He sighed with exhaustion, ‘I will answer your questions when I know the answers, now please leave me and allow myself to collect my thoughts.’ He didn’t exactly feel up to answering these troublesome people when he didn’t even know half the answers himself.

The man began to speak again but a woman stopped him with a ‘Hush! Let him think, Lady knows you would be somewhat dazed if you had been asleep for two whole days.’

He was in the middle of thinking about the strange way these people spoke when he realised what she said, two whole days? So that’s why I’m so hungry.

‘Truly, have I been asleep for two days?’ he asked.

‘Yes sir, ever since we found you,’ this from another woman behind the original speaker.

‘I pray you, let me outside for a moment.’

‘Yes, of course.’ Answered the first woman, then she turned around and started clearing a path through the crowd.

He stood up and started walking through the crowd, as he neared the maple door a pale girl grabbed hold of his hand and whispered: ‘Here, let me help you.’

He’s standing in the desert staring out at the bright yellow sand, with a girl standing next to him. Her long hair swayed in the wind, tiny strands tickle his hand. The girl grabs hold of him and whispers in his ear: ‘Here Viajero, I know it’s a hard thing to do, and you know it’s hard enough for me to let you go, but you’ll be back. Just hurry and you’ll be back soon enough.’ He nods and relinquishes his hold while starting his long walk, only looking back at his home to gaze at the girl he loves one last time.

He’s back in the strange room with the girl asking him if he’s alright. Viajero is fine, more than fine, he now knows his name, where he is from and what is waiting for him, but this information just reveals many more questions.

The last person moved from in front of the doorway and revealed the outlining of another door down a hallway; he could see light from where the door didn’t quite fit the frame. It was a beautiful sight, promising so much; home, love and a cure to this nothingness of a memory.

He rips his arm from the girl and sprints down the hallway. Just before he reaches the door, it’s opened and the face of a pale boy appears, this one appeared a servant; no doubt he came to check what the source of the noise. He rips out the doorway, nearly knocking over the surprised boy in the process, and stares out at the green landscape.

The chorus of birds hangs over the splayed landscape, the lay of the land curves and bends along with the line of the trees, the morning dew glitters on the leaves. There isn’t a grain of sand in sight. He looks down at his feet in the green grass, it feels so different from the sand, it doesn’t shift when his weight does. The sensation makes him dizzy, suddenly the grass sways before him and he falls into something that feels like grass, but he cannot tell because everything is black.

Again he hears the voice of the angel from his memory, whispering into his ear, ‘Come on Viajero, remember your promise?’ he can feel the breath on his ear, but the voice is gone now, and so is the world.


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Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:37 am
grimy89098 says...



alright, thanks for the chance to explain alot of the points people are getting confused over

1. It is hot; he feels it through his hardened skin, through to his bones. The single relief is the slight wind, kissing his sweaty skin.

Skin can't get hardened except by callous. And callouses can't develop on sand to my knowledge. Is he not human in which case this would make more sense?


he is human, his race has kind of meta-morphasised over the ages (will explain that more when the story comes to it), lets just say that the desert is in the future.

He wears only these and his wide hat strewn from straw. These garments offer little protection against the burning rays, but they are enough

You mention many times that he is tan but this doesn't account for some aspects of the sun. It will keep his skin from showing external burn yes, but he will still feel it and the lack of covering will parch him quicker. His clothing seems impractical for his climate.


again this is due mainly due to meta-morphisis, they are to prevent having burnt and irritated skin is what i mainly thought of them. his race is resistant to what you have pointed out.

Every few days, when Sol is in the middle of the sky, he scans the landscape for anything unusual. But the only things worth noticing are the rocks and small animals

That should be she if Sol is a Goddess as you claim earlier.


i wasn't referring to the goddess, i was referring to viajero, i may have to change that soon

Chapter 1: All right I really like the bit with the dripping rock tree. But does it yank him to a different place or world? And is the desert or this forest on Earth. Cause the story is ambiguous to the point of confusion about all this. The fact of how different these people look from him seems important as you mention it repeatedly. hey all seem very Medieval ages Europe whereas he seems like a modern day Sahara trader. Should be an interesting contrast.


it is based on earth, although it may be named differently later on
it kinda is medieval ages, with little differences here and there
i remark on their appearance repeatedly to emphasise that he has never seen anyone like that

He does NOT fall out of the sky, as someone else pointed out: he would be dead if he had. this is just the people making rumors.




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Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:44 am
Pattycakes wrote a review...



Allright, this is my review of prologue + chapter one. I like the general direction this story is headed in, in places your descriptions and imagination are really well represented and fleshed out. The environments are a really strong point, good stuff so far.

The description of the desert around him is pretty good but weird in some places. I'll give some examples:

And the strong ones tend to be larger, and stronger; hence the name.

This sentance is unnecessary considering what you put before it. Of course the strong creatures are bigger and stronger, this is unnecessary.
It is hot; he feels it through his hardened skin, through to his bones. The single relief is the slight wind, kissing his sweaty skin.

Skin can't get hardened except by callous. And callouses can't develop on sand to my knowledge. Is he not human in which case this would make more sense?
He wears only these and his wide hat strewn from straw. These garments offer little protection against the burning rays, but they are enough

You mention many times that he is tan but this doesn't account for some aspects of the sun. It will keep his skin from showing external burn yes, but he will still feel it and the lack of covering will parch him quicker. His clothing seems impractical for his climate.
Every few days, when Sol is in the middle of the sky, he scans the landscape for anything unusual. But the only things worth noticing are the rocks and small animals

That should be she if Sol is a Goddess as you claim earlier.

That’s it! The memory struck him fresh. He quickly bent down, pulled off his pack and rummaged around. After a minute and a cut on the finger later his slightly bloodied hand emerged with a rather small and crude spade. He quickly set to digging at a steady rate. Because he was walking away from the tribe, the god’s blessing of water was growing weaker. So the ground here was less moist; and such he had to dig deeper to find any actual water. When he found enough he had a sip and attempted to scoop some into his flask; successfully to a degree, but any amount of sand in the water would irritate his throat, and there was no way he knew of to separate the two. But it would suffice.

He continued on his way with only a quick glance at the sun; to determine how much time digging for the water had taken. Not much, but he hated to waste any time, and therefore he had used too much.


Ehhh, couple things that are a little off about this. Digging in this sort of heat would be very hard working, and digging through sand is difficult because of how the wind shifts it. Especially most desert sand which is finer than beach sand for example and more likely to fill the hole he was digging by wind. It also probably wouldn't be as fast as you describe it considering the difficulty in reaching deep water. I don't know, physics wise it's a little weird.

Yeah but so far it's got a creative premise. The world comes alive pretty easily. I assume you'll get to characterization later so I won't bother you as much about that. The concepts of the God's and aether seem pretty intriguing.

Chapter 1: All right I really like the bit with the dripping rock tree. But does it yank him to a different place or world? And is the desert or this forest on Earth. Cause the story is ambiguous to the point of confusion about all this. The fact of how different these people look from him seems important as you mention it repeatedly. hey all seem very Medieval ages Europe whereas he seems like a modern day Sahara trader. Should be an interesting contrast.

The character doesn't really jump out at me as someone fascinating yet. He's not all that likable nor is he all that cool in an anti-hero sort of way. I like his name (It's Spanish right?), and he's certainly more tan than everyone else but why is he so pissed at these people who've saved his life? And he repeatedly says he's tired and confused and after falling from the sky (this should be a way bigger deal than everyone makes it out to be) he can just get up and walk out under his own power. I realize he's scared and confused but I'm not sure he's in the physical condition to be the kind of dick he is.

The flashbacks about the girl and the talk of the oath are excellent windows into some background stuff and seem like a good enough motor to drive the story. Everything is still kind of hazy but it's two very different worlds you've set up already. The characters just have to match the splendor of their environments.

Nice job!




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Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:50 am
myfreindsavamp wrote a review...



Howed he move from one place to another. I thought he was in a desert and the people say they found him in there forest..

Cool name. I'm never good with names but at least I'll recugnize it when it comes up. :?

Nice start on this though. I was stumped by how you beginned the first chapter but i'z all good. :o

Very entertaining.
-Amber




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Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:54 am
grimy89098 says...



Poltergiest wrote:Well, it wasn't the worst begining to a series I've ever read.

it isn't the start; the prologue is, go to my profile thing by clicking on portfolio next to my name above and it should be under the folder: "The Oath"

At first I thought he's in Africa, but then viajero is spanish.

well spotted, do you speak spanish?
a friend told me the name Viajero when i asked what i should name the character
by the way, to all those reading this, Viajero means "traveller" in spanish... i think, correct me if im wrong

thanks for the comments :D

-Grimy




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Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:19 pm
Poltergiest wrote a review...



Well, it wasn't the worst begining to a series I've ever read. :D Oh geez, firstly I wouldn't hold off the mention of the main characters name for so long, we like to know who is and what he's like. I also think you need to describe the surrounding in more detail, desert is a good started but expand upon that, and in accordance, is the tree small, large? Green, brown, dead, withered?

Also, I found the ryhme about the tree to be pretty short, and if it is that easy to remember why couldn't he remember it before he drank the tar water? Also, other then being tan, dark skinned, you don't happen to tell us much about how your main character looks, eye color, hair color, facail specifics.

Another point, I thought he was being kind of a jerk to the people who saved him, I understand he might need to think, I'd be freaked out, but I'd be pretty curtious to them, if they saved my life. I'd like to hear how he ended up with these people in the next installment.

Overall, I believe it can become something really good if you work harder. I noticed a few gramatical errors, but I don't care much about that. I'd like to get to know him, tell us more about what he's thinking and what he's planning. Oh, and welcome to YWS! PM me when you have the next bit up. :D

-Pol




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Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:01 pm
lluvialover wrote a review...



hmm this confused me. So he's in a desert with dark skin. At first I thought he's in Africa, but then viajero is spanish. What about the girl? And then, was there a flashback?
You should make things more clear especially the girl. It's like he left the girl with a promise to come back but then found himself in a room with pale people, where he also met her?....I do like the description of his thoughts.

Even though I might be confused, I still like it. Maybe it's like that for a reason.
I'll be reading more of this





Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening