Young Writers Society

okay. i sense this poem is a little dark, but you really conveyed to me that you were the character. i felt sympathy twords your charactor. Very nice job!

This was very good. I loved the last few lines. They showed such imagery. The entire poem was full of depth and emotion. The flow of it all could use some work. Still, this is a solid piece. It could turn into something. I can't wait to read more by you. Great star and good luck to you.

~Ballerina

Hey Grimy! I'm June-- I don't believe I've ever reviewed anything of yours before, so here we go. I'll try not to be too harsh on you, either. Let's begin:


While your opening line was not the most "hooking" line for a piece of poetry, it was decent. It's a little hard to "connect" with this poem, since you aren't giving us much to base anything upon. For instance, you begin with "liar, thief". We understand that the subject you are speaking about lied about caring for you, but what did they steal? At first, it is implied that you are saying they stole your heart, but how can we tell? Give us more to base this upon, dear. Make it more concrete; don't be afraid to give us details.


The last four lines confuse me, dear. I can't actually tell what you mean. I understand that you're probably in the same place you were before, but tell us that! It sounds like you were bleeding on a table before.

Also! Is that a metaphor, dear? I understand that sometimes people refer to a heartbreak as if their heart is bleeding, but! Clarify that for us. Let us understand in full what you're talking about.

On another note, I did like it. If this is how you were feeling at some point, then you've done an amazing job here. It takes a lot to write about a feeling and then to share it with people is something else. Great job.

You were able to convey emotion very, very well in this, dear. I like that a lot-- you didn't use "flat" words-- words that would show us nothing about the mood. Well done.

I do believe that this poem could benefit from some imagery, dear. P:) Use analogies, don't be afraid to be dramatic!

Overall, dear, you did a nice job. Keep it up! I'd like to see more from you.

June

thanks everyone
hopefully ill get the time to edit it a bit, once i get my homework done... (it could take a while )

if it's to be used as lyrics it needs a rythym to it.

but i like it =]

it shows a lot of emotion, especially the 'bleeding on the tabe'

it reminds me of possibly an operating table by the fact you say you can see your heart freezing over.

almost as if your pain is the same to being operated on while your still awake and can see whats going on.

i love those last two lines, they leave so much space for the listener/reader to add their own imagery and ideas to them.

good job =]

Eva

XxXxX

I liked this piece. It's just that near the end, the sentences get a bit longer, so I would try to keep them all somewhat the same length. Other than that, I think this piece was gooood!
The Bleeding on the table part scares me, but oh well. Um. That's it. Good job!

Okay, first person Yess. Obviously, no one else is dedicated to this forum. Or else they have a life...
Okay, I like this poem. It's a little remniscent of Torn, that one song by that one girl. It was a big hit in the 90s (me? Culturally ignorant?)
Anyways, good job. Your punctuation was suspect, but whatever.
I think your poem needs to have more of a definite beat, or even a pattern, because it seems a little disconnected. Just a thought.