CHAPTER 1
"Grey run away! take the car
and go. They are coming" she said while dumping my clothes, books and other stuff into two bags.
"Mom but wh-" she cut me off "no more talking. go!!" she shouted
She helped me with my luggage. We went to the car. She gave me a tight hug and kissed me on my forehead. She had tears in her eyes " I love you"
"I love you too mom" I took a last glance of her and gave a kiss on her cheek
"Take care grey" she said with a smile. She looked beautiful. Her luminous blue eyes were sparkling under the moonlight and moreover her sand hair was hanging in waves over her shoulders which made her look more beautiful. She was still in her official dress. Mom was a lawyer. She was half the time busy with clients.
"good bye mom" I said trying to swallow the lump in my throat. That was the last day with my mom. My life's new chapters started but my mom was missing in the chapters.
---**---
I stopped the car in the city's outskirts. The city The city looked beautiful and lively with lights shimmering under the night sky.
"Bye new york" I said to my self and got into the car. I took out the card which mom gave to me from my backpack. The card was in blood red colour. I couldn't see the address clearly. It was only when I flipped the card I saw a logo, a black eagle with red eye holding a white snake with its beak. It was a bit scary but looked opulent. Something written in silver caught my gaze.
'Always syndicates'. I read it aloud. It was just a small line but was filled with some sort of power. I heard some one calling my name. The voice was sharp and incisive. I climbed out of my car to see a hooded figure walking towards me. His face wasn't clear but I could see his complexion- broad shouldered, tall, muscular, majestic. my heart beat raised. if only my legs hadn't become weak I would've got into the car and go away, But it was too late anyways. He was just four steps away from me. He removed his hood. The light from the city was enough for me to look at his face. A curl of his ash brown hair was dangling on his forehead. His green eyes looked glistening . He was wearing a black jeans and a long brown leather coat. He was wearing a pair of black boots.
"Blake Terrence at your service" he said with a bow.
"Who are you?" I blurted out. I was clutching the hem of my shirt so tight that I could see my knuckles going red.
"I was your mother's sub junior and now I am her work partner." he said, his face calm and pleasant "Mrs.Alschwis told me that you would be here and it is my responsibility to protect you"
I couldn't stop myself "Where's my mom?" I asked
"I'm sorry"
"What do you mean by I'm sorry?" I shouted
"They killed her" he said plainly
My heart broke into pieces. Tears ran down my cheeks. My legs became numb and I fell on the ground. I cupped my face in my hands. My inner self told me to stop crying because mom wouldn't like to see me in that state. I wiped my tears and told myself that I am brave. My body wasn't accepting me but I forced i to stand up. I walked to the other side of the car.
I looked at Blake. He My heart broke into pieces. Tears ran down my cheeks. My legs became numb and I landed on the round with a small thud. I cupped my face in my hands. Part of me told I had to stop crying because i am strong and the other part of me tells me that I don't deserve to be happy because I lest my mom alone in her hard times. I wiped my tears and walked to the other side of the car.
I looked at Blake. He was still standing where he was before
"can you please drive?" I asked in a soft tone. He nodded and sat in front of the steering wheel waiting for me to get in. I took a last glance at the city and climbed into the car. I begun my journey towards a new destiny. We were silent for most of the time. I didn't want to talk anything because I knew if I opened my mouth the lump in my throat would try come out in the form of tears.
So I just hugged my legs and rested my head on my knees. The sky was heavily sprinkled with stars which reminded me of the days when I spent with my mom in our farm house under the moonlit sky. I tried to push the thought away as they caused discomfort. I tried to enjoy the cool gust of air which sent chills all over my body, but was of no use as I couldn't delete the picture of my mom's face when she told me she would miss me. I was missing her, totally missing her.
I forced myself to sleep as that was the only way I could get away from thoughts but my conscience wasn't accepting me. I turned towards Blake. he was in an alert mood - back erect, eyes straight and body in a ready to attack mood. I wanted to break the silence
"Who are-" I cleared my throat " who are the guys about whom mom was talking" I asked with face tilted "Why did they come for my mom?"
"so curious huh?" he said with a smile "you'll get the answers to your questions when its time" his muscles relaxed. I could tell he was tired.
"I want the answers right now" I said in a demanding tone. His smile broadened which deepened the dimples on his cheeks. I had to admit that he looked elegant
"you are just like your mother. Too stubborn. you look tired get yourself some sleep"
I turned straight and folded my hands in agitation. I was no child to be told what I was supposed to do. But after a few seconds I relaxed. I felt my body crying for some rest, I was exhausted. I rested my head against the head rest and closed my eyes. The cool and pleasant breeze forced me to sleep.
-----------
I woke up to see myself resting my head on Blake's shoulder. My face turned red. I pulled myself back.
"good morning: he said
"morning"
His eyes were kind of red and he didn't have the energy to stay straight anymore. Then it suddenly occurred to my senses that he was awake all night and he must be tired
"Blake, can you stop by any place you think I can fresh up" I asked
"There won't be any motels or any restrooms in the way so I'll just stop by any big tree so you could fresh up behind it"
It sounded strange but I had no other option because I was kind of stinking
"ok "
after a few minutes Blake stopped the car under a humongous tree as he said
" you can go and fresh up behind it" saying he handed me a bottle full of water
"Thank you"
I grabbed a black jeans, a black T and a black blazer. I climbed out of the car. We were surrounded by dense forests on both the sides. The forests prevented the sun rays to enter the area. It was early morning and the place was wrapped in a dense layer of fog. I could barely see anything distant.
The air was cool and dense around me. I felt like I was wrapped in a cloud. It was so comforting. I stretched myself a little. I felt my muscles relax as I stretched. I slowly went behind the tree and removed my clothes. The chilled air touching my bare skin sent electric impulse all over me. I wore the clothes I brought with me. I rubbed my palms against each other for some warmth.I came back to the car and saw Blake asleep in my chair. He looked gorgeous. he slept with his hand folded on his well-muscled chest. I didn't want to disturb him so I stood near the car and leaned over one of my boots and adjusted the other. I peered at the trees around me through the tangle of dark hair hanging on my face.
It was silent and a bit scary outside. I felt like the trees had eyes and their branches looked as if they were ready to catch me. so I'd slipped back into the car closing the door as softly as I could.But I guess I wasn't enough silent to not wake up Blake. As I closed the door he moved towards me with his eyes closed and knife at my throat. He was totally alert even in his sleep.I was taken aback by his action.
"hmm " I cleared my throat and saw my hair standing on their ends. Fear ran down my spine. I couldn't utter a word with the knife pointed at my throat.
He opened his eyes and pulled himself back to his chair "um.. I'm sorry" our aces turned beet red.
"no problem are you fine?" I asked
"Ya I guess. Lets get going or else we'll be late for the verdict ceremony"
"excuse me ? what ceremony?" I asked surprised
"Verdict ceremony!"
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there, greyalschwis! I'm Pan, here to mix up a review for you.
Okay, I'll start off with the positives. You've got a solid, dramatic start to the story and you've done well to inject some mystery into it. Blake looks like he could be quite an interesting character - he's certainly unusual, so I feel there could be a lot of intriguing backstory there - and it will be interesting to see further interactions between your protagonist and him.
That's not to say that there aren't problems. One of the main issues with this chapter is the grammar; you often forget to capitalise and include commas and full stops where necessary. The way that you construct speech needs a bit of work, too. To help you do this, I suggest that you read through lots of the threads in the Grammar & Research of the forum. There's stuff in there about speech, comma splices, dangling modifiers - all sorts. It really helped me and it could definitely help you.
Also, you must, must proof read. There are loads of little errors in this piece that are purely present due to a lack of proof reading. Look over every sentence after you've finished it, then over every paragraph after you've finished it, and then eventually over the whole piece. Read it out loud. Honestly, it will help.
Nevertheless, I will do you the courtesy of pointing out some of the errors for you - just this one time.
One of my pet hates is repetition of words within the same sentence; it just sounds odd. I'd suggest you write it more like: 'my life's new story had begun, but my mom was missing from the chapters'.
Don't know what went on here. You almost repeated the previous paragraph word for word.
Anyway, I think it's time to move on to my second point. Something that weakens this chapter, at least for me, is the way that Grey reacts to her mother's death. I don't feel the emotion from it. You describe how she feels in one paragraph, but her despair doesn't carry through to the end of the piece, unfortunately. As somebody who has experienced sudden death of loved ones (if not my immediate family, touch wood), I know the shock of losing someone in a heartbeat. You can't think of anything else. You want to talk about it and cry because you think it will help, but it doesn't. You want to sleep because being awake is exhausting, but you can't stand waking up and remembering. You can't believe it, have to keep telling yourself that it's really happening, but you still can't believe it. I want to get that from Grey. She gets told by a random, insensitive stranger that her mother has been murdered, yet she doesn't really have any questions. She's upset, sure, but what else? Angry? Confused? In denial? I can't imagine her agreeing to travel with Blake upon hearing that news - not immediately, in any case. She'd demand an explanation from him at the very least. Quite possibly she'd run away, leaving him to chase after her and convince her to come with him. My point is, I can't imagine her doing what she does, which is get into a car with a stranger and seem rather normal the following morning.
Also, the fact that she's already attracted to Blake by the end of the chapter seems very peculiar to me; when you're mourning, attractive company is the last thing you notice. Obviously, if Blake was considerate and comforted her about her mother's death, it would be very likely that she'd become attached to him, as can happen when you're grieving, but it just seems unrealistic to me at the moment.
Nevertheless, these are all things that you can solve. As far as grammar and proof reading goes, it's just a matter of learning the rules and checking your work. With the death of Grey's mother, you need to think about it from her perspective rather than from the viewpoint of a writer who can't wait to get onto the next idea - really put yourself into her shoes. I know how difficult it is to accurately depict the feeling of losing somebody in writing, but it's so important that you do it as well as you possibly can.
Hope I helped, and that I wasn't too harsh!
Keep writing!
~Pan
i'll rectify them
thank you
Hello!!
Okay... You said that it was night time, right? How "bright", then, are this guy's eyes? Are they blindingly bright? Toxic waste-bright? Or, more subtly, inhumanly bright? Either way, bright eyes to describe a shady character isn't always the best way to go. It's almost like an oxymoron. And what do you mean by active ? Is he a computer? A light switch? A self-motivated jogger? Do his eyes go on jogs by themselves? This is what I mean by describing words. Take us on a journey with this word.I have a couple technical suggestions that I think could really help you with this story.
I'd rather you show than tell. That might seem hard to do at first, but trust me, it will help you so much. By showing, I'd like for you to take a specific item off of this guy (not literally). Let's talk about his brown hair, which you've blatantly described as that which was "dangling on his forehead". You seem to steer the reader in the direction to believe that this guy does not take care of his hair, since it dangles on his forehead. But, could that really be the case? I could be wrong; his hair could probably be very neatly kept, it's just that he likes keeping a jheri curl in the front or a cowlick in the front. Whatever the style may be, I think you should tell us that.
And brown. Does this guy just have "brown" hair? What color brown is it: tree-bark brown? coloring crayon brown? earth-brown? cardboard box-brown? You see, words aren't just isolated things which live alone. We can say them, but mean totally different things. This is why you're going to have to be a little more specific in your descriptions of things. Think of using description as a journey. Take us inside your head by what you mean by these words. After all, the author always controls the steering wheel, it's the reader who is the passenger, not the wheels (I JUST MADE THAT ANALOGY UP).
Something else which I noticed in the story is that you have a tendency to describe everything after a character has just spoken. I understand what you're trying to do there, because I do it myself. But trust me, it doesn't look to hot to other readers. It just gets a little... redundant. Despite what I just said about taking the reader on a journey by describing everything to them, I think, in this instance especially, that you may want to lay low on the description. And if you want to keep this in, then mention it before the dialogue, or say something leading up to it. For instance,
You see? The fillers I used not only slowed the pace of the sentence but also added a much more visual and relatable scene. It isn't relatable in the sense that everyone has had a knife pressed against their throats before, but that there are actual feelings attached to the actions. If someone takes a desperate swallow, you would think that it was for fear, not because of some other emotion, right? And you've probably had a flushed feeling before, right? It may not have been because of fear, but perhaps because of embarrassment. Regardless, you've felt these things before. I guess the best option for you then, is to imagine yourself as this character. This is what I do for my characters. I think if I were ______, or if _____ were me, how would I/______ react to this situation? How would I feel? When I get there, I take a minute to pause and feel every emotion running through me. If I had a knife being held to my throat, how many thoughts would run through my head? Was physiological processes are going on at that instant? This step may take a while to achieve, but believe me, when you get there, it feels great to accomplish!
That's all I've got for now. Oh and cool title by the way! :')
If you have any more questions, just ask me
thanks for your suggestions @MooCowPoop I'll see to it