Published February 20, 2012
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I really enjoyed reading that, but I felt that a few of your sentences were quite a mouthful and took a long time until they rhymed:
Keep it out
"Bids me to pardon the sins of one who cannot be swayed."
I think this sentence could be shortened to "Pardon the sins of he who cannot be swayed," but you don't have to do that at all.
And then the next part is what took me at least five times to read each sentence until it made sense. Really long sentences that are followed by a short sentence I find are harder to digest and usually poerty is a combination of short sentences that still convey the message. I don't mean that you shouldn't, it's just a little harder to get to the real meaning, although I got it eventually.
The last part was my favourite.
BUT, your message would have been so much more powerful if you had written:
"My sin is repaid and my debtors have summoned
Me back to my humble reality."
Done like this, I feel like the reader has to take a pause instead of reading the whole sentence in one go. Otherwise, really, really, good.
-the cat
I meant "keep it up."
-the cat
Thanks for the feed back. I see what you mean about my sentences being a little long. I especially noticed how long the last part was when I wrote. But, I will definitly keep that in mind. Thanks again.
I like it. Very in depth, there is nothing more i can say. Keep writing!
Thank you very much demib. I really appreciate it.