Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
Larry, you're about to be sworn in. Please put down the "Penthouse" magazine. Put it down, Larry. Busty Brianna can wait...LARRY! Thank you. Ok, now put your hand on the Bible, Larry. No, Larry, not in your pants, on the Bible. Michelle Obama is married, Larry. Please put--thank you. Ok, now, you can do it.
Repeat after me, Larry: "I, Larry, do solemnly swear..." LARRY! We are on national TV! Please do not use such language! Honestly, Larry! That is most certainly NOT what "solemnly swear" means! Good Lord! Now let's continue: "...that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States...against all enemies, foreign and domestic..." What was that? Well, Larry, the word "foreign" means to be coming from, or to be of, a characteristic of a language or country other than one's own. Well, yes...I suppose that since Justin Bieber originates from Canada, that does include him.
Shall we resume? "...that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same--" Larry, for the last time, put away that magazine. Thank you. As we were: "...that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion...and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties--" GOODNESS GRACIOUS! LARRY! NO! THAT IS NOT THE MEANING OF "DISCHARGE"! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LARRY, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! Is this being censored??! Thank God! LARRY! ZIP YOUR FLY! Forget it. This can't get any worse. Just say "so help me God", Larry, so we can get this done and over with.......What? You're...an atheist.
Will somebody please shoot me? Oh, but before they do, Secretary Brown? Could you cancel Larry's "Penthouse" and "Playboy" subscriptions for me? Thank you so much. Now I can rest in peace.