Published July 25, 2011
Watch the river flow,
And carry away emotions.
Watch as it makes its way
Past hatred and love;'
Past sorrow
And joy.
Watch the river flow
As you remember
the things that make you happy
and forget the things that make you sad.
Watch as the river makes its way
down your cheek
and carries away emotion.
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138,475 Literary Works • 672,141 Reviews
Okay so I really like your poem, I just can’t help but say that it’s kind of all clumped together right now. Think of your poem as someone on an airplane, all it and they want to do is stretch out, so here are my few suggestions!
I thnk these two lines only need to be one, seeing as how they follow a similar line that is two examples filled into one line.I think you need to make "Watch the river flow" a new paragraph, remember, your poem needs to be stretched out
Same thing here, I think you should make "Watch as the river makes its way" the start of your third paragraph.
I love the entire poem, I dont think you should change any of your word choices, except for emotion. It just doesnt end the piece on a good tone, if that makes any sense at all. I suggest a different word, a more powerful word if you will...
Keep on writing!
~SnowBerry
Watch the river flow,
And carry away emotions.
Watch as it makes its way
Past hatred and love;
Past sorrow
And joy.
Watch the river flow
As you remember
the things that make you happy
and forget the things that make you sad.
Watch as the river makes its way
down your cheek
and carries away emotion.
I really like this- the repeating is great!
I love the poem- it's short, simple, and spectacular- I can truly imagine the river!
Good job!
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.
Hey there, Gracy. I'm Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem today.
First off, this is simple yet brilliant in it's simplicity. I love it. It's bittersweet and a little haunting. The flow was really good, if slightly choppy, but that just added to the overall piece. It's wonderful. And sadly, I don't have any nitpicks for you. It's simply perfect just how it is. And this doesn't really help. I can suggest you try to add a little punctuation. Something feels off somewhere, and I just can't put my finger on it.
Overall, it's a wonderfully imaginative little poem. It's a brilliant, sweet and almost dreamy poem, if a little sad. And I adore it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and beautifully bittersweet poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
Hello Gracy, thanks for the follow.
Mostly I agree with Blink-- I think that you need to dig a little deeper in regards to emotion and try to bring some feeling to the surface.
I also think you should have spaces between the stanzas.
Now for the underlined parts-- I'm all for simplicity. I think it works wonders over SAT vocab or images that are contradicting and confusing. However, I also think personalization is the key to poetry. What do you think of when you think of hatred, how about sorrow and joy? What are some tings that make you happy or sad? Try to make this poem the kind of thing only you would write; that will make a world of difference.
So all in all, good idea and good start. Buena Suerte with your poetry and I hope to see more of you on yws.
hey! nice poem! As always, it's really hard critiqing a poem because there is so much leeway given to the writer on presentaion of emotions and the set up of a peom. With that said, I'll say that I really liked how you changed the river into teats at the end. However, I feel the last line was a little inderdone. I feel you could do so much better for the last line. Remember, the last line is what the reader takes away from the whole poem, which is why poets don't have to write a three page poem to get their feelings across, they only need that last line. I really like the way you write and I hope you will keep writing. I look forward to more of your wonderful poems!
Hey Gracy - welcome to YWS! Why not go ahead and introduce yourself in the welcome mat?
Overall it was a nice, but rather simple poem.
I enjoyed this, actually! I thought it was a sweet little poem. See? It's gotten me all sentimental.
However, that's not good enough! I liked the idea behind the poem far more than the way you wrote it down, if I may be blunt - the generic images of "past hatred and love" along with "the things that make you happy" just had me shrugging to myself - "so what?" It's bland, lifeless and doesn't capture the mood of the poem at all.
The simple answer would be to be more adventurous. Describe the journey of the river - can the rocks symbolise something? What about the meandering course that it takes, down towards the estuary? These are also pretty standard ideas (considering I came up with it as I typed...) but that's what makes a poem individual. Add your own flavour to it - what, to you, constitutes love, or hatred, or "the things that make you sad"? Any metaphors to reflect them in the character of the persona?
So! Not much more I can add, really - just some food for thought up there. Feel free to let me know if you rewrite this.
-Blinky