Published August 10, 2009
How long have i been out here? Will i ever find out... Water creeps over the edge of my make shift raft of a decaying, burnt piece of driftwood from my ship, a lost ship. I might sink. I might die. It is so hot, I'm so thirsty... why is this happening to me? I don't know... I am drifting to sleep under a bleeding sun.
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141,611 Literary Works • 675,149 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an interesting little piece. It seems like its meant to be just the one little scene in a longer more dire read or surprisingly enough I think this actually manages to make a case for being a fairly solid standalone piece too which is a little surprising given how simple and short it is, but I think you actually just about do enough to capture this one solid emotion that can somewhat stand alone.
The way you can showcase what seems like a mix of just acceptance of this person's fate and a bit of hopelessness as this person seems to simply be crying out to the heavens asking for why they are being punished this way is actually fairly powerful here and it honestly works surprisingly well as a piece all on its own.
So while this is something that can easily be a lot longer, this tiny little snippet of a person in a rather difficult situation on the verge of it not past the point of giving up hope does actually stand on its own surprisingly well. A powerful little nugget of emotion this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It was a good story, but it was very short. As your title says. Speaking of the title, you spelled story wrong. Okay, as I said, it is very short, but I do have a few nitpicks.
Okay, I'm just going to rewrite the story and bold the corrections.
Make-shift. Not make shift. Turn the comma into a semi colon.
Change the period into a semi colon.
I'm going to rewrite it again.
It's a very small piece. Though it is easy to tell what is going on, that's not always the best thing.
You spelled story wrong. There isn't 'ie' at the end, but a 'y'.
You need to make you I's capitols. When they are lower case, it makes it seem less appealing to the reader.
This story sounds like a small scene from the movie "Cast Away". It is actually just like it.
I noticed on one part, you wrote "I might sink. I might die." Sinking and dieing are pretty much the same things . . . Just saying.
You could do so much with this story, as OverEasy said before. Make it a story, add scenes. Make flashback or something.
Overall, the piece was quite dull. The only part I liked, was when you described the sun on the last sentance. Bleeding sun . . . That just sounds cool.
Well, first I'd like to comment on the mispelling of the word "story" in your title. Might want to fix that
On the content, there isn't much here to go on, and what is here feels slightly lifeless. It's a bunch of muddled thoughts, none of which hold a whole lot of value to the reader.
Clearly you're character is on a piece of wood that remained from a shipwreck, but... that's not exactly a story.
My suggestion would be to expand, in order to truly create a short story you must have a beginning, middle, and end. At this point you have a few thoughts. Create a story. How did the ship sink? What happened to the other people on board? Does your character even know? Did they have family on board?
It feels like a very small clip of a much greater story, and the clip isn't even all that interesting or really even all that relevant to the plot.
The next thing I'd like to mention is your lack of proper grammar, punctuation and spelling. It's crucial to any story to use proper grammar, sure in creative writing you can fudge some things, but not capitalizing you're "I's"? C'mon. That's just lazy on your part, and it tells the reader that you don't actually care about your story at all. And if you don't care, why should we?
Hope this helps
OverEasy