life

Hullo gowtham1!

As the two above me have said, welcome to the YWS! I hope you find a happy place here. I will just mention that chatspeak (u rather than you, etc) is a little frowned upon, so if you could avoid it when making posts, that would be epic!

I see that your poem is intended to rhyme, but I’m not entirely sure in what format? You seem to lose the rhyme in lines 3,4, 7-10, 13, 14. Although there are some slight rhymes going on – I can see you saying that “children” and “burden” rhyme if you force them to. However, I don’t think it’s working for the poem at all, and I’d suggest you ditch the rhyming scheme because it’s moulding your poem in a way which constricts your meaning. Your lines stop making sense because the end word makes no sense, if you see my meaning.

All in all, however, your poem makes little sense as a narrative and as a lyric work. What are you attempting to say in this poem, and where is it going? The lines connect fairly poorly and you have some issues with the overall theme. Not to mention your first line, where “Whilst thus” is completely out of place and adds nothing to your poem. I think you really need to work out your intent and purpose throughout this poem, you have the underlying note of religion here, but it isn’t really enough to carry a full fourteen lines of text.

This isn’t to say give up! I would, in fact, love to see an entire poem about a man who lives on a mountain, it would be terribly interesting. Revise this, with your full intent in mind, and post it again.

Give me a bell when you edit this, I’d love to see how it turns out.

- Penguin.

thanks u both for u r comments

First let me welcome you to YWS.

I really liked this! I like the way you used the word thus and whilst in the first line! Well done! Most people avoid using these words because they believe them to be outdated, I believe they make the whole poem more in-depth and emotional. Old English adds a resonating quality to any written work.

This poem flows very nicely. (I even read it twice because it sounded so pretty.)

Keep Writing and if you ever want to chat feel free to PM me.
~FW~

First off, welcome to the site! Okay, so for a starter piece this isn't terrible at all, but my problem starts from the first line - it sounds like it's trying too hard. Poetry is best when it's pulled together with finesse but it's still free to breathe human emotion. Your problems seem like they're mostly coming from the rhyme scheme, which all-in-all you're struggling to maintain, so why not ditch it? If a thought comes to you and you want to make a poem out of it, you don't have to straight-jacket it into a rhyme scheme. Also, it's just my personal impression that words like whilst/thus/thee/thy are trying too hard to sound deep and intellectual. They're outdated and formal, and they just don't have the personal appeal to emotion. Of course, like I said, that one's nothing but an opinion.
I'm sure I sound all harsh and critical, but only because I've got a feeling you can seriously write. This is waayyy better than the first pieces I posted onto the site, I've gotta say. And it is a decent piece of poetry.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver