The wind lulled by,
My wings fluttered by,
I heard the the swish of the air,
And saw another bird who was fair.
I heard a voice calling me,
It came out from his mouth,
But it couldn't be him,
For his lips never moved.
Then there came a whoosh,
Up in my in my mind like a flash,
There i saw him again,
Floating in air again.
I opened my eyes to see it was all a dream,
In which i had been a bird,
With my pet flying by me,
But it was all a dream.
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Canary word: Present
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This was... different. I rather liked it.
Keep Writing,
~FW~
I loved the concept. I wonder what my dream would be like if I were swimming alongside my frogs (yes I have frogs) and they would speak without moving their lips O.O
But the poem seems stressed in some places, and does not flow in others.
So, those are my nitpicks, but good poem! Make it a masterpiece!
First of all great start! I really like the phrase "my wings fluttered by" it just implies something lost and beautiful. You used the twice in the third line, not sure if it was deliberate. I understand your aiming at a kind of stutter style repetition which is evident by
which is fine but i don't think it's as effective with the third line ( is if it's not a typo afterall). I think this poem is good. These are the lines I really liked:and and the line about the wings i mentioned earlier. I think they're great because although they're quite simple they create really good images. And they reinvent overused lines, for example, "floating on air" has been used a lot and had you used it i probably would've criticised it but "floating in air" just creates a depth and uniqueness and i'm still trying to wrap my head around how to be inside air (i'm confused in a good way
However, these bits of brilliance were in the company of some not-so-brilliant bits. For example . It's hard to describe what i don't like about this line, i just don't (sorry). Um maybe it's because it kind of just sounds like you were trying to make it rhyme by saying "who was fair". But hey i understand sometimes you can't make a line that both expresses your feeling eloquently and rhymes at the same time, just work on this and you will improve, basically just try to be a little bit more careful with the lines you insert and don't just paste them in because they rhyme. Maybe if you get stuck on a line leave it and come back to it?
The only other bit i disliked in this was the . Try to avoid these statements like a plague! They are both cliche and just an excuse to justify the craziness of what just happened. Granted you didn't use it for this reason but the phrases have got a reputation and it's not a good one.
Overall (and i know i've criticised you a bit-sorry) there are more good bit's than bad bits and those good bits are beautiful