All a dream

The wind lulled by,
My wings fluttered by,
I heard the the swish of the air,
And saw another bird who was fair.

I heard a voice calling me,
It came out from his mouth,
But it couldn't be him,
For his lips never moved.

Then there came a whoosh,
Up in my in my mind like a flash,
There i saw him again,
Floating in air again.

I opened my eyes to see it was all a dream,
In which i had been a bird,
With my pet flying by me,
But it was all a dream.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
freewritersavvy
Comment

This was... different. I rather liked it.

Keep Writing,
~FW~

User avatar
shiney1
Review

I loved the concept. I wonder what my dream would be like if I were swimming alongside my frogs (yes I have frogs) and they would speak without moving their lips O.O
But the poem seems stressed in some places, and does not flow in others.



The wind lulled by,
My wings fluttered by,
I heard the the swish of the air,
And saw another bird who was fair. The second rhyme is better than the first, since the words are different.

I heard a voice calling me,
It came out from his mouth,
But it couldn't be him,
For his lips never moved. Where did the rhyming go exactly?

Then there came a whoosh,
Up in my in my mind like a flash,
There i saw him again,
Floating in air again. These lasts lines do not flow, and this stanza as a whole disrupts the poem, maybe word it differently?

I opened my eyes to see it was all a dream,
In which #FF0000 ">I had been a bird,
With my pet flying by me,
But it was all a dream. Again, what happened to the rhyming? A rhyme scheme should be more consistent.



So, those are my nitpicks, but good poem! Make it a masterpiece!

Random avatar
NaRachel
Review

First of all great start! I really like the phrase "my wings fluttered by" it just implies something lost and beautiful. You used the twice in the third line, not sure if it was deliberate. I understand your aiming at a kind of stutter style repetition which is evident by

Up in my in my mind like a flash
which is fine but i don't think it's as effective with the third line ( is if it's not a typo afterall). I think this poem is good. These are the lines I really liked:
Floating in air again
and
In which i had been a bird,
With my pet flying by me
and the line about the wings i mentioned earlier. I think they're great because although they're quite simple they create really good images. And they reinvent overused lines, for example, "floating on air" has been used a lot and had you used it i probably would've criticised it but "floating in air" just creates a depth and uniqueness and i'm still trying to wrap my head around how to be inside air (i'm confused in a good way :) ).
However, these bits of brilliance were in the company of some not-so-brilliant bits. For example
And saw another bird who was fair.
. It's hard to describe what i don't like about this line, i just don't (sorry). Um maybe it's because it kind of just sounds like you were trying to make it rhyme by saying "who was fair". But hey i understand sometimes you can't make a line that both expresses your feeling eloquently and rhymes at the same time, just work on this and you will improve, basically just try to be a little bit more careful with the lines you insert and don't just paste them in because they rhyme. Maybe if you get stuck on a line leave it and come back to it?
The only other bit i disliked in this was the
I opened my eyes to see it was all a dream,
But it was all a dream
. Try to avoid these statements like a plague! They are both cliche and just an excuse to justify the craziness of what just happened. Granted you didn't use it for this reason but the phrases have got a reputation and it's not a good one.
Overall (and i know i've criticised you a bit-sorry) there are more good bit's than bad bits and those good bits are beautiful :) They definitely make up for the bad bits. The bad bit's are easy to improve on. Just keep writing and you'll keep learning :)



"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi