Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
HEAT OF THE NIGHT PART 1 BY JADA COSTELLO
"It's an awesome book, Ms.Sheppard," A girl, who looked like she was in her late-teens, gestured towards the novel that was in her hands.
"Thank you." I took the novel from her hands and signed my name on the inside of it. When I handed it back to the girl, she muttered a thanks and skipped around the New York Public Library.
I didn't know that my book would become so popular until Penguin Random House called me up to inform me they wanted to publish Taken. My writing teacher loved my story so much that she showed it to her husband, who happens to be an editor for the company. He told me there weren't that much and how 'inspiring' the moral of it was.
"My wife must have taught you well." He smiled warmly at me."I would simply love it if this book would be open to the public. I'm know it will be a big success."
And it did. Just the few weeks the book came out, millions of copies were sold. Teenagers who hated reading with a passion, had fallen in love with it. Even though its a young adult story, a group of elderly people would sit in their nursing homes and read it.
Four years later, I was sitting in the second largest library in the US, signing novels for my fans.
"Next." I smirked as another person came up to get their book signed.
"Hey."
My happy expression dropped when he came by. My memory came back to me in a split second when I saw his face.There was a stubble of bronze hair on his chin and under his green eyes were dark bags of exhaustion. His hair was simply messy as if he had just woken up. He shed some weight over the years the last time I saw him as well.
"Alex?" His name came out of my mouth breathlessly.
"Lucinda."Alex smiled and had a sparkle in his eyes. "I can't believe I'm seeing you in flesh and bone."
I wanted to say something, perhaps cause a sound, but I couldn't. He shouldn't be here. The news program where that now retired anchor, informed about a car that fell off a cliff, replayed in my mind.
"I-I thought you were dead?"
Alex chuckled. "That's a weird conspiracy that I'm not quite fond of."
My first encounter with Alex came back fast like a bat hitting a baseball.
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130,613 Literary Works • 671,514 Reviews
Hey, gorgeousgirlSky3. I'm Pan, and I'll be boiling up a review for you today.
So, this is a pretty strong start to your story. It's concise, clear, with a nice cliffhanger to hook the reader in, and I don't feel overloaded with information. You strike me as being good at keeping the balance between mystery and detail.
I do have a couple of issues, though, particularly with your expression. These problems shouldn't be too difficult to overcome, because you mainly just need to build on what you've already got, but you do need to address them.
Okay, so I mentioned expression. There are numerous points in this chapter where I felt that your wording wasn't quite right. Sometimes it was just one word that didn't fit, sometimes it was entire phrases. Here's what I mean:
Now, this just doesn't seem like the way somebody would speak, especially not a teenager face to face with the author she adores. It seems overkill, a bit too plummy, and it draws a lot of attention to a character that's only supposed to be a device to introduce Lucinda. If you changed it to something like "It was - um - an honor to read this, Ms Sheppard" or another modest compliment, it would be more realistic and it wouldn't stick out so much.
Tip: always read your work writing aloud to see if it sounds right. This is especially important with dialogue, and can help you establish rhythmic problems too.
Two issues here. First, the use of 'on' is unnecessary - you'd say 'complimented the novel' instead. Second, I don't know whether you need to say that she's complimenting the novel at all, because we can work that out from the context. You could change it to something like 'A girl, probably in her late teens, smiled timidly as she proffered her copy of the book' or whatever you deem appropriate.
This is picky, but I think you should instead phrase it 'I hadn't known', because the past perfect tense is appropriate here. When you're referring to something that happened in the past (the book becoming popular) and you want to reach back further still to an event that came before that (her not knowing that it would become popular), you use the past perfect. I wouldn't worry about this too much. You can look up the past perfect if you want to have a full understanding of what it is and where it fits best, but you don't have to, because the more writing you do the more you'll develop a sixth sense for which tenses fit where.
Hmm, 'random corners in his head'?? I understand the picture you want to portray, but this creates a rather funny image. Something about it 'flying in random directions' might make more sense. Furthermore, that second sentence isn't very clear. I think you meant to say 'he had shed some weight in the years since I'd last seen him' or words to that effect.
I don't understand what you meant here. Do you mean that his eyes probably haven't sparkled for four years? I'd recommend that you either rephrase it or go all brutal butcher and cut it out.
You mean 'make a sound'?
Watch your expression here, and the provision of a surplus of information. Ask yourself, is it important that the reader knows the name of the anchorman? Do we need to know that he is now retired? If your answer is 'no', you can make this sentence more concise, and rewording the rest will be easier. I'd write it like this:
'Memories of that news report, of the car hurtling off the cliff, replayed in my mind'.
Anyway, that's all I have to say in terms of wording nitpicks. My only other slight issue was with how likely it was that Lucinda would get her book published so easily and have it immediately sell like hotcakes. Even incredibly successful authors spend a long time getting a debut book onto the market, and it strikes me as unlikely that she would meet such little turbulence. You could still have her book be an unexpected success, but maybe alter it so that she found it difficult to get it published, or that the writing teacher's husband saw potential in the story but had her rework it before he took it on. That would add a bit more realism.
That marks the end of this critique. I hope you didn't find it too harsh. I just want to help you push your work to the best of its ability, because it does have promise.
If you've any other questions that you want to ask me, don't hesitate to fling a PM my way.
Keep writing!
~Pan
This is really good, and I definitely look forward to your story. It's really good, and the plot is pretty solid for a starting point too. I'm curious about the title of the book the main character published, are you referring to the same one the movie with that title is based from?
Love that cliffhanger you did at the end too, it's a very good way to end a chapter in a story.