Why did this happen to me thought Leopardtalon. I hate humans he said with a shrieking growl. As he watched his family burn in flames in the barn and he ran into the forest, he could not bear to watch anymore. He ran as fast as he could through thick thorns and broken branches and ran into a foxtrap, he moaned so much from the foxtrap he almost lost his voice. He yowled for help for the longest time but no answer. Complete silence.It started to rain just a sprinkle but it hurt so much on his hind leg where the foxtrap was grasping. Then he just layed down from the exhaustion and began to weep. He couldn't believe he lost his mate and kits. Then he heard a very soft voice that said what happened to you Leopardtalon, he looked up and saw his dear friend Snowpaw from the Wind Clan. I can get that nasty foxtrap off of you she said. She went over and got the foxtrap off of his leg. Leopardtalon started to cry and leaned his head on Snowpaw's shoulder. She said what is the matter Leopardtalon? He looked up and and said my mate and kits died from burning to death in a barn. Snowpaw gasped and said come on I will bring you to the Wind Clan they will take care of you there. Leopardtalon nodded with agreement and they started walking to the Wind Clan.
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, well, this is a nice looking premise and a pretty decent idea here to include at the start of a novel here in chapter one, buut, I think this one needs a decent bit of refining here before it can really be reaching its full potential as a chapter one.
For starters, there's a lack of paragraphing here, despite how relatively small this is there is still enough different things going on that you need to split this thing up into a few small paragraphs and not just, you need to try and elaborate more on each of these parts, give us a bit of description about the surroundings, a little more on the feelings going through this one's head...and just generally this needs a more beefing up before it can be considered to be a first chapter. This will really help out smooth out the currently very jumpy transitions we have cause right now things are less of a flow and more of event by event situation where one thing happens and then we keep jump cutting to the next one
Soo, well, on the whole I love the premise, it looks like we've got some worldbuilding going on too with these clans and friends not to mention this appears to be a non human POV which is also pretty interesting..but yeah, this first chapter needs a bit of work.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry