Published September 1, 2011
MEEP MEEP MEEP! Victoria hit the snooze button on her alarm clock and decided to stay in bed. KNOCK KNOCK! Someone was knocking on her bedroom door. Then someone a slid letter under the locked door. 'Uhh!' Victoria going to get her weirdly sent mail. and went to the down kitchen.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,926 Literary Works • 672,328 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay, well this has to be one of the shortest pieces that I have run into that wasn't meant to be something like a one sentence story. Its certainly a bit difficult to see where exactly this might be headed, because it really does not read like a summary or a blurb which is the only sort of thing that would be this short, but neither does this have particularly prology vibes. This feels most like perhaps the first paragraph of a since abandoned first chapter and so I think I will review this piece as it were that.
Soo...judging based on that, this is a very standard sounding opening here, there is genuinely nothing here that particularly sticks out or grabs the attention of a reader and acts as a bit of a hook. That's not always a bad thing, this is still a fairly neutral start, there's nothing boring or off putting about it, so I'd say, this isn't the most exciting starting point, so the rest of this chapter should certainly have a lot more things happening to give the reader a bit of a hook, but otherwise, its a neutral and nice sounding start here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey goofysmurf!
Well, I have to say I'm a little confused. I can see this has been edited some 14 times, so perhaps there was once a full story here and for some reason you have removed it? Nonetheless, I'll see what advice I can give for what we have here.
There's a lot going on here, but as a read we don't get to see very much of it. Who is Victoria? What is her purpose in this bedroom situation? Why does she decide to stay in bed? Who is knocking at the door? Does she live in a house with her family, or is she in someplace more public like a college dorm or an apartment? That's a lot of interesting story building things that a reader wants to know!
First off, dialogue is formatted like this:
"Uhh!" Victoria said (or any other sort of tag like groaned, complained, etc)
Also, the rest of the sentence is a bit of a jumble. I think you're missing a few words. Maybe you want something like this:
"Uhh!" Victoria groaned as she got out of bed to get her weirdly sent mail.
Then, more questions arise! What was the mail? Did she read it before going down to the kitchen? Is it a meaningless note or something that really interests/concerns her? All of this stuff is what makes a story a story.
All in all, this could be a very interesting start to a story! There just ought to be quite a bit of expansion. Slow down and take some time to explain what happens, how Victoria thinks/perceives/reacts to it, how the world around her looks. Think about sensory imagery (sight, touch, taste, smell, and sound) and use that to further expand the readers experience in the story. Good luck!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
You're a tad too young for the site. Maybe you should wait till you're older to take on YWS. Then you'll have grew in your writing skills as well because it's just...it's not a bad bit of story it's just....not clear. I don't get it. I don't think I should review since a mod or admin will probably find out...
I am very confused with what is going on. It does seem to vague. Needs more detail and as someone said, clarity.
You still need a little work in clarity. I think that's where you missed it.
...Okay, so what? Victora just hit the snooze button on her alarm. What? There was a knocking on the door. Now I am all confused. Should I be confused?
Wait a minute, what is going on? A little more detail before can go a long way. It sounds like a good start, but some more background information would really help the reader out. Make it less confusing. Though it seems to be a good start.
Hey, you double posted this, and you’re underage!