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18+ Violence Mature Content

You Are (Not) Wonderful

by goodolnoah

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

The summer winds blew upon a cloudless day. It was as if the winds had been borrowed from Venus herself, creating a dry, yet beautiful environment shaded with sunshine. A girl who called herself “Sonny” stood on a Jetty situated close to the Massachusetts shores.

She’d spent all the money she had left on a striped romper that cut off at her upper legs and left room for her shoulders, paired well with her brown, buckled boots. Her brown hair blew in the wind, and her dual-colored eyes shone with the light of every sun in the universe. One of them was a coffee brown, the other was a vibrant golden. She had a tattoo of a moon that sat on her upper chest and stretched to the bottom of her neck. It was almost fully visible the way her clothes sat.

Sonny had just left prison. She’d been acquitted of murder charges after a long trial, of which she wasn’t even allowed to attend herself. She spent the year in prison.

To have the sun shine on her fair skin was something she’d been dreaming of. She’d been provided with one window in prison. Her only view of the outside world.

She walked silently along the waterfront after leaving the Jetty. To all passerby, she looked like any other normal tourist. The days in jail caused her to become frail, so she never felt like she needed to eat much, to her detriment. Her curly hair and large eyes made her look like a lost puppy when she stumbled around the nearby convenience store, looking for something she thought she’d like. She brought an iced tea and a bag of chips to the cashier.

“Hi!” She chirped. “Can I buy these?”

The cashier rang her out. “Anything else?”

“Oh, can I have that?” She asked, pointing at a box of cigarettes on the wall behind the cashier. He almost felt bad for tempting her with the drug, since it seemed she’d never smoked in her life. “Do you have a form of identification? Or we can look up your name, if need be.”

“Try that one. My name’s Sonny.”

“Sonny…? I need a last name, ma’am.” The cashier told her, beginning to get fed up.

“Oh…” She spoke animatedly. Like a cartoon character. She looked down awkwardly for several seconds and then finally settled on what she had. “Just this then…”

“Five sixty-one, ma’am.” The cashier concluded.

“Oh…I don’t have any money.” She finally realized, tears forming in her eyes.

The cashier scratched the back of his head. He went from fed up with this woman, to concerned, and yet, something made him feel like there was some sort of scam going on here.

“What’s going on over here?” After the whole altercation, the cashier’s grandmother came to save his life. “Is there a problem?”

Sonny was nearly frozen. She muttered “I’m sorry…” while the cashier explained what had happened to the cashier’s grandmother.

“Are you here on vacation, or on other business, my dear?”

“Other business…” She choked.

“Do you have a home?” She asked begrudgingly, despite her clothing looking new.

She’d finally figured her out. So she dropped any secrecy. “I don’t have a home. That’s all there is to it. I don’t even know…Where is my home?” She mumbled as the grandmother tried her best to understand her sorrows.

“I don’t know why you are here. But a little girl like you shouldn’t be wandering the streets. My grandson and I live up the street. Would you like to stay the night?”

Sonny stayed frozen for some time. She ping-ponged back and forth between answering. Her money was dried up, and her feet hurt from the long walk she’d partook in. It was like the makeup she’d applied had melted off to reveal the tired sacks under her eyes the more she felt the stare of the old woman in front of her. “P-Please. Can I stay at your home?”


Prison stunned me, unbroken.

I yearned for the stars.

I won’t be broken.


“She shouldn’t be out! She’s been marked as extremely dangerous! How far did she get? We have to hunt her down now. For her to appear in the middle of a populated area would look horrible on us! It’s a question of public safety!” A man shouted through an audio call.

In a dark room, a collection of men sat at a long table. They were surrounded by a room filled wall-to-wall with flat-screen TVs. On each wall, there were voices speaking through the text “ANIMA”, numbered one through four with the words “SOUND ONLY” on the very bottom.

“Your concerns are understood, director. My firm has always been the best at tracking down your mistakes. Leave it to us, please.” The man at the head of the table reassured.

“Do not fail us, Dr. Giovanna.”

The room went dark. After a few seconds, it was illuminated with a bright white light that shone from the television screens. The collection of agents began to pack up their things. Giovanna laid back in his chair, relinquishing the defensive stance he was taking while talking to the men at ANIMA.

“Gio. What are we going to do? This is a golden eye situation. You know that ANIMA would not take it lightly if we were to fail them.” The agent that stood by his side had the name “Moonlight” on his nametag. Mark Moonlight was his full name, and he was the police officer who was allied with Giovanna’s firm. He was assigned with assuring that Giovanna’s pursuits stayed within the law, which they often didn’t.

“I take care of cases like this my way, Mark. My information guys are working on tracking her location, and let me get her folder, I’m going into my office.”

“You seem very relaxed about this, boss.” Mark accused

“This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with a case of golden eyes.”

Giovanna disappeared into his office. Of which had a balcony situated past his desk. He lit a cigarette and watched the smoke rise into the sun. He sat on the balcony, taking in the sun and reading Sonny’s file intently. The crafty detective had been through many cases, many of which he’d nearly met his demise. This was nothing to his agency, which dealt with more “supernatural” cases by principal. Golden eyes in particular were something he’d grown used to, dealing with a couple of them in his time. To stop someone with even one golden eye implanted into their skull took an army of more than one-hundred men.

He wouldn’t fail again.

Behind him, he heard his office door get smashed open by Mark. He raced to Giovanna’s side with a furrowed brow.

“She’s…A young girl? We’re going to bring all this to confront a young girl?” Mark exclaimed, holding her file in his hand.

Looking down from the balcony, many large, black cases were being loaded into an armored truck. Giovanna loaded a small handgun, himself.

“These are all a precaution. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. She’s nearly to her destination, so we’ll have to cut her off.”

Mark continued to protest. He felt his heart sink as everyone loaded up their rifles. “She’s confused and on the run! What’s threatening her with guns going to do?”

“Hopefully it will let the monster inside out.”


Deep in my mind,

I recall a white moonflower that is said to hold all memories.

I can’t remember where I saw it.


In the morning, Sonny shyly wandered around the house of the grandmother. She saw pictures hung on the walls. Frozen memories that captured a single moment in time. Any words Sonny had were trampled by the idea of simple photography. She learned the young cashier she talked to the day before was named Kenny. There were pictures with Kenny and what Sonny identified as his mother. No pictures of Kenny and the grandmother.

She must be lonely.” She thought solemnly.

More words lay in the environment they were surrounded by. Kenny with his family in front of a large red tree. Even with something like the tree, a story was hidden within. Just like the story of why the grandmother was estranged from the family.

She drew her eyes away from the pictures hung on the wall to finally meet them with Kenny, who had just left his room. He gave a wave to Sonny and headed to the fridge, where he picked out a soda. It seemed like he wanted nothing more than to slink past Sonny, but this fact flew right over her head.

“Can I have one?” She asked, stopping Kenny in his tracks. Now, Sonny saw him in his most vulnerable state, at home. He was essentially dressed in pajamas. With PJ bottoms and a graphic tee that said “MEGADEAD” in big letters. His orange hair seemed to be confused with how it wanted to subject itself to gravity.

“You can help yourself to whatever you want.” He responded begrudgingly.

She picked a soda from the kitchen, of which there was an assortment of. As Kenny began to slink back down the hallway, Sonny stood in the limbo of the hallway and living room. “Can I come with you to your room? It’s just…I’m bored, and it sounded like you were having fun yelling at your game or whatever.”

This was indeed a fact. Sonny had been awoken by sounds of the kid shuffling around in his room in the morning, and she was kept awake by his incessant remarks for other players to “get good” or “actually play the game”.

He looked almost offended. There was a collection of faces that Sonny had grown to recognize by most men. At first, it was a look of agitation, than it changed to a lighter expression, as if he was considering the offer. The final expression was one that men often made towards her. It was a stare that pierced deep into her chest, it was always, without fail, very off-putting, and it made her consider to relinquish her offer.

Like with all the others, the stare would subside, in return for the middle, lighter expression that came with acceptance, and an invite to his room.

Kenny’s room was an invasion of the senses. An organized invasion of the senses, but the blasts of color felt like more than Sonny could perceive. Posters of popular media climbed up the walls, also adorned with figures of every type of character Sonny could imagine. Girls, macho men, light-sword-wielding warriors, armored men (and women), all accompanied by brief blasts of words that Sonny didn’t understand, like “Dark Destruction Catholics”.

“Hey, are you paying attention?” Kenny asked, as Sonny’s eyes darted around. Her attention was brought to a fighting game called Valkyrie Sky Girls 3. “Can’t believe they switched from open-world to a fighter…I bought it anyway…” He mumbled as he handed Sonny a controller. After a brief training ritual, Sonny was able to choose her character, what Kenny described as a man in a big metal suit who lives to protect his friends.

After a brief game, Kenny lay, bested in his beanbag chair. “How…How did you win?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really think these games take a lot of skill. Guess it was just dumb luck.” She spoke honestly. “I bet you are better than me at a bunch of other things, anyway.”

He looked up in confusion, still reeling from his loss. “I’m horrible at directions. Most of the money I had, I spent getting here, and I don’t even know if I’m in the right place. I jumped from bus to bus, paying the riding fee. I should’ve gotten a “pass” like that man told me about…” She rambled.

“Hey, where are you going? I can at least say I’m from here. Maybe I can help.”

“I need to meet a doctor. I was told that he could undo what’s wrong with me.”

“Go to a doctor? Hey, I don’t mean to pry, but you look fine.”

Sonny got closer to Kenny than he was comfortable with. She leaned slightly over him in his beanbag chair, and pointed at her left eye. It was the eye that was pure golden.

“This eye does…Something. I’m not sure of it’s power yet, it does terrible things, and I need to get rid of it. A doctor named Heru can help me get rid of it. I don’t want to risk hurting anybody else.”

Looking up at Sonny’s serious expression, Kenny swallowed the fear up in the back of his throat. Seeing the girl who had just been so bouncy suddenly turn serious only added to the fear creeping up his back. He wouldn’t have believed her if it wasn’t for the way she looked at him. “Is that why you are so happy all the time?” He responded in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Hah, I’m always like this. Now, peasant! Tell me where this Doctor Heru is!” Sonny announced. Kenny stifled a laugh, and assisted her.


Before leaving, Sonny enjoyed a quick shower. The grandmother, who she thanked profusely, got back just in time to see her off.

“Can I…Give you a hug? I really appreciated everything you did for me.”

“Aw, of course. It’s not like nice young ladies to ask for hugs anymore. I have plenty to give.” She responded cheerfully. When she and Sonny embraced, she realized how real the wrinkles in her skin were. That idea; of aging, it caused Sonny’s heart to skip a beat mid-hug. She quickly shook off the fear and thanked the old woman again.

“You should take more pictures with your grandson.” She added.

Sonny stepped out of the house, clean body and clothes. She rifled through her small travel bag for some perfume, which she applied under the cloudy day. The sun had been overtaken by clouds, creating a shade that covered the entire beachside. Kenny’d inputted the doctor’s address in her phone.

Her phone…It was alien to her. She’d barely remembered how to use the damn thing, The password came to her in a mysterious dream she had. Now, she sat, looking into the blue light, her hand hovering over the photos app. Finally, she let curiosity get the best of her. There were thousands of pictures.

They were of her. With people she didn’t recognize. On her lockscreen, there was a picture of her hand interlocked with another. It made her want to vomit.

Who are you?

She began to make her walk down the sidewalk of the waterfront, the clouds were painted pink by the ever-persistent sun. Sonny had her phone in one hand, with her maps app displaying the route to Dr. Heru’s office.

As she walked, she occasionally looked up from her phone, expecting for the townsfolk to bump past her, or even wave to her. Yet, there was nobody. Sonny felt that same feeling. A dark chill that ran up her back.

Someone’s watching me.

She whipped her head around to be met by the face of a man adorned in fully black armor. It was like she was paralyzed.

She let out a yelp of pain. Everything was happening so fast that she didn’t even realize why she’d made this noise. She looked down at her stomach, to see that blood had begun to pour out of a wound opened by a combat knife the man held. The man caught her in his own arms as she lost consciousness.


This girl named Sonny…

I don’t feel like her.

Sonny is a girl who has happy nightmares, not me.


“Her left eye has been replaced with a golden eye! Just like that instance with Niko Laou. She was diagnosed with an inconclusive dissociative disorder when she was in the hole. This disorder is directly linked with the activation of her golden eye. We plan to keep her in custody until we can get clear evidence of her golden eye abilities. Looks may be deceiving, this girl was put in prison with a kill-count of nine!”

Giovanna’s voice echoed in and out of Sonny’s mind. Finally, she opened her eyes, to see the mangy man in front of her. He was in front of a collection of men with firearms held by their sides. He and Mark were in the middle of a discussion when Sonny finally came to. When Giovanna realized that Sonny had awoken, he began to approach her, only for Mark to step in front of him, demanding to go first.

Sonny began to recognize her surroundings. They were in the basement of a bar, surrounded by neon lights. She’d been roughly constrained to a chair. Her arms were tied back with knots that sunk and bit into her skin. It was like they were trying to keep down a rabid animal.

“Who are you people? What have you done to me?! I’ve done nothing wrong! My name is Sonny, and I was just released from prison! I haven’t committed a single sin in my life!”

Mark pulled up a chair. He kept a comfortable distance to her, but stayed just close enough that she knew he didn’t plan to do anything. “My name is Officer Mark Moonlight. I’m sorry we had to be so rough to get you here, we only want to help.”

“Well, you did a really bad job at showing it…”

“We know about the golden eye. We also know that your name is not Sonny.” Mark insisted. “Your name is Luna Derington. I know you’ve seen pictures of her, even if you feel like separate people.”

This fact came with massive weight to Sonny. She recognized the name, certainly, and yet, what Mark said was wrong. It had to be wrong, no matter what.

“How old do you think you are, Sonny?”

“Oh…I don’t know, like sixteen? I feel no more than seventeen.” Sonny spoke honestly.

Upon looking down, she realized that the stab wound had already healed. Only leaving an unappealing hole in her new favorite clothing. She kept looking around the room to distract herself from Mark, who was asking the questions.

“Why did you go to jail? Do you remember?”

“No! I don’t remember! Stop asking me stupid questions!” She finally yelled. Doing her very best to look away from Mark. “Don’t lock eyes. Don’t lock eyes. They are all looking at me like that. I don’t like it. It makes me uncomfortable.

Giovanna pushed Mark to the side. He reached out for Sonny’s chin, and made her lock eyes with him. He had the eye of a mad dog. Mad, impatient, and out for blood.

Sonny remembered her nightmares. They were nightly. Of flesh being ripped and torn apart by a monster that looked just like her. All with that burning golden eye.

She remembered the blank eyes of the men she tore apart that night. She’d throw the man that she mangled down the stairs, spreading blood throughout the party like an expert painter. After all, in the nightmare, the man she’d killed was the one who started it. He awakened her.

Like inception, a dream within a dream. She would’ve fallen into a beautiful dream-like state, remembering all the events like a vivid photograph given new color. Her hands turned from delicate to deadly in a matter of seconds. They’d transformed into proverbial meat-hooks with one meaning. Scoop the innards from these worthless leches.

Then, Sonny came back to Earth.

She stood in the middle of bones. Covered in blood of the soldiers that had been aiming firearms at them.

Her new clothes were now truly ruined.

Sonny’s ears were ringing from the constant gunfire. The only two that were left were Mark and Giovanna himself. They stared Sonny down. Whose golden eye began to stop glowing. She’d brutalized Giovanna’s squadron of men, who seemed to be staring back at Sonny in fear, now.

She’d torn the flesh from the skeletons of these men. It was as if their bodies had been thrown into a woodchipper, only to be spit back out by Sonny herself. Despite the memory's absence, all she could hear her subconscious saying was “Not again.”

She began to wail. Like a child who had just exited the womb. She wailed around the countless corpses that had been sprawled out. Mark stepped forward, holding out his hand.

“Stay away from me! I wanted it to stay as a nightmare. Not…this.” Sonny cried before disappearing into the darkness. Leaving Giovanna and Mark.

“Did you know that would happen?” Mark demanded answers.

“Our first priority is getting her back to ANIMA., with evidence.” He half-answered.

“That’s right, get her back to ANIMA because they lost their little science project! You can blow me, Giovanna. We did this same song and dance with the little girl from Santa Barraza, too! I’m beginning to think that you caused more kills than you’ve prevented!”

Giovanna began to walk towards Mark, who pulled his handgun from his side.

“Don’t follow me.” Mark snarled.


Sonny burst into the doctor’s office, tears still flowing from her face. Her romper that was once light pink and white colors was now stained with blood. Even Sonny’s brown hair had been tinted with the color of crimson. She saw herself in the mirror, holding back the urge to vomit.

“Dr. Heru! I’m here! You contacted me in prison about taking this eye! Please tell me you are here!” Sonny yelled through tears.

The doctor’s office was all but abandoned. All that could be heard was Sonny’s cries, now turned to a quiet blubbering. There were signs of a struggle. Items were scattered all throughout the doctor’s office, as Sonny moved in further, she began to get a sickly feeling in her stomach.

Until, there he was. The good doctor’s lifeless body was sprawled on the floor in the very back of his office. Right next to the operating table.

“Is this…my fault?” Sonny asked herself.

“No.” A commanding voice sounded. The vintage TV in the top corner of the room flooded the room with a static-filled light. It settled on the words ANIMA, plastered along the front of the screen. The same voice who talked to Giovanna spoke to Sonny.

“Hello Sonny. I regret that I wasn’t able to see you in person.”


Sonny threw an operating tool into the screen of the bulky TV. She only cracked the screen. Leaving the words of ANIMA to be broken up by the new cracks in the screen.

“Do you want the answers? About your identity?”

She stood firm as she made for the exit. “I don’t want to hear anything from you. I already stopped those men you sent after me. Stay away from me!”

A splitting pain met her ears. The TV now emitted a powerful high-pitched signal that only Sonny herself could hear. She fell to her knees, and the golden eye began to glow.

“You are only here to protect the little girl inside of you, just like the rest of your mind. That monster inside of you is known as Luna Derington. A nice girl like you wouldn’t use the eye, but the little, confused girl? Take a guess.” The man in the TV continued on. “You are the newest woman inside of the body of Luna Derington, aged twenty-five. If we are using technical terms, you are only one year old.”

“So…I’m the newest?”

“It’s why we need you to come back to us. So we can help you rebuild. So we can bring Luna back, and we can get rid of your golden eye. Don’t you want to be normal?”

Her golden eye was lighting up the dark room in front of her. The raucous nouse made Sonny feel as if she was being hit with an earthquake.

“If there is a girl inside of me called Luna, I don’t want her to be angry. I’m tired of her being angry. She must be tired. I don’t really understand her, just yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person than she is. I’m going to do what I should’ve done a long time ago.”

She clawed her hand into her face. The golden eye’s glow seemed to leave the entire room alit. Using the clawed, mangled scooper of innards that was her hand, she plunged her fingers under her eyelid, and dug deeper. Focusing on the splitting pain and anger that came with the intense ringing in her ears. She heard the panicked screams of the men at ANIMA. With a balled up fist, she tore the eye from her socket.

Sonny laid the golden eye on the ground.

She spoke through tears. “If you want the damn eye, come and get it.”


Sonny dragged herself out of the doctor’s office. She sat down on a bench that overlooked the water. The sun was finally beginning to set on the day.

Did I do the right thing?” She wondered to herself.

Her ears were still violently ringing, she held her hand over her eye, the pain still stinging, at that, the sun looked much more beautiful as it set on the Earth. She could only wish she had a camera right now, so she could photograph the melancholy scene. Everything looked so much clearer now.

A voice called out to her.

“Sonny…!” Mark’s voice broke through the already intense ringing.

He stopped about ten feet away from her, nearly falling over from the distance he had just run to meet Sonny. He stood, panting and catching his breath for about a minute as Sonny watched in silence.

“I wanted to help you. I understand you don’t trust me, but let me offer to help you! We can tell you about what your past life was like, make you feel whole again. If you don’t want that, hell, I can even give you a job or a home!”

“Do you promise to give me whatever I want?” She said, standing up and approaching Mark. She looked taller than she really was with the sun illuminating her back. Mark nodded in response to her question.

“Than leave me alone. That’s what I want. I don’t want to see you or that other man’s face ever again.”



I wonder how she’d do things differently.

Is she the beast, or is it me?


“Thank you for the tip! Have a nice day!” Sonny chirped.

Sonny wore a company hat and shirt with the convenience store name-brand logo on both. It read “Shore stop”. The hotter shores of Virginia echoed the chilled breezes of Massachusetts. The nostalgia was two-fold for Sonny. A symbol of great times, and tragic times.

To her job’s dismay, she got better at finding the middle between great and tragic. It allowed her to emote more, which meant she was able to show visible annoyance in her one eyeball when someone couldn’t choose what brand of smokes they wanted.

A man came to the counter with some snacks. He wore glasses and a mask over his face, which wasn’t very uncommon these days. She handed the man back his snacks.

“Eye replacement surgery fund, eh?” He commented, referring to the tip jar next to Sonny’s cash register, then to the eyepatch that covered her lost eye.

“Yeah. Losing your eye isn’t very fun.”

“Just got my new one.”

He took off his glasses, to reveal a bright, golden eye.

“Takes a bit of getting used to. All ya gotta do is beat down those inner demons, kid.”

He left a big tip, and re-equipped his shades.

Do I…know that guy?


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333 Reviews

Points: 66665
Reviews: 333

Fri May 31, 2024 5:00 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...

Hello, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review your new short story using my Familiar method today! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

Ah, I loved this story! The state Sonny finds herself in is a true mystery at first, how there's so much she seems to leave out or just blatantly not remember. Involving ANIMA and its two recruits, you can't help wondering what is so important about this golden eye, and what they'll be willing to do to such an innocent-seeming girl to confront/contain the issue. Then, as we learn about Sonny's true identity, the fate of the doctor, and what she is willing to do to rid herself of this curse, there's just so much anticipation and shocking developments to keep you on edge! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here! I really enjoyed everything here; the atmosphere, your settings, descriptions, and the in-depth interactions between each character. For example, you can really get a feel for how much the ANIMA members don't want to hurt Sonny despite knowing she's dangerous, and you can really feel how much Sonny is struggling as she relays her situation to the grandmother and Kenny. There were just some minor recommendations I thought I would make in good faith, free to take or leave.

At first, it was a look of agitation, than it changed to a lighter expression, as if he was considering the offer.

“Than leave me alone. That’s what I want."

In either sentence here, I think "then" would be a little better fitted than "than." The only other thing was here...

I’m not sure of it’s power yet, it does terrible things, and I need to get rid of it.

This is an even more tiny nitpicky thing, but I don't think you need the apostrophe in "it's," since that usually just denotes "it is" instead of a possessive.

Of course, this is just my opinion, and everything is already so good! Great writing job!

Why The Grin Widened...

To start, props for descriptions!

The summer winds blew upon a cloudless day. It was as if the winds had been borrowed from Venus herself, creating a dry, yet beautiful environment shaded with sunshine. A girl who called herself “Sonny” stood on a Jetty situated close to the Massachusetts shores.

What a pretty way to bring your readers into the scene! I also really liked how the story started here, and by the time of the climax, Sonny is back along the water. There's just something very nice and poetic about that.

It was very sweet of the grandmother to take Sonny in, and I love how she interacts with Kenny; he seems so annoyed by her at first, then very reluctantly opens up with the video games. It reminded me very much of that "angsty big brother annoyed by the sunny little sister" sort of angle, and I enjoyed that a lot. Plus, with the way Sonny expresses so much gratitude, and expresses empathy when seeing the lack of photos and imagining that the grandmother is lonely, you really get a feeling for Sonny's innocent and compassionate side while empathizing with these characters. Great staging there.

They were of her. With people she didn’t recognize. On her lockscreen, there was a picture of her hand interlocked with another. It made her want to vomit.

I was fascinated by this clue! Her not recognizing any of the people, and barely remembering her own password, makes you really think about the possibilities. Did she suffer amnesia? Were her memories repressed due to the trauma, or warped by her long experience in prison?

She looked down at her stomach, to see that blood had begun to pour out of a wound opened by a combat knife the man held. The man caught her in his own arms as she lost consciousness.

Even with the staging of Sonny's mission, and the ANIMA team's discussions in the meantime, this was a great way to shock your readers! O.O So did the revelation of Luna, and that Sonny is a new, dissassociative identity in her body, explaining so much up until that point.

Like inception, a dream within a dream. She would’ve fallen into a beautiful dream-like state, remembering all the events like a vivid photograph given new color. Her hands turned from delicate to deadly in a matter of seconds. They’d transformed into proverbial meat-hooks with one meaning. Scoop the innards from these worthless leches.

Oh, I loved this! The description of inception really gives you the idea that Sonny is sort of fading here, and the slow buildup to that chilling description of meat hook hands really captures that slow transition of giving into these uncontrollable, violent impulses.

And another plot twist, the doctor being dead and ANIMA being ready for her!

“If there is a girl inside of me called Luna, I don’t want her to be angry. I’m tired of her being angry. She must be tired. I don’t really understand her, just yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person than she is.”

This was a great response from Sonny, when confronted with the information of her identity. It fits her character thus far so well, to feel empathy for Luna and want to protect her, but also stand firm on the fact that she is a real person just as much. And that leading to this...

Using the clawed, mangled scooper of innards that was her hand, she plunged her fingers under her eyelid, and dug deeper. Focusing on the splitting pain and anger that came with the intense ringing in her ears. She heard the panicked screams of the men at ANIMA. With a balled up fist, she tore the eye from her socket.

Ah, so intense, but I loved this climax! Not only was the whole moment narrated so well, but it really showed her bravery and resolve, to go so far! So cool!!!

And finally, what a mysterious cliffhanger to end on!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, that was a great short story! Nicely done! :D


goodolnoah says...

AAAA I am happy you noticed much of the symbolism I tried to pack into the story! Thank you for this review, I wanted to try some new things with this work, and I am happy many of them (seemingly) worked!

Thank you for this wonderful review!

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Points: 41
Reviews: 2

Sat May 25, 2024 7:14 pm
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Honja wrote a review...

Hey there! Just read your story and I would like to inform you before you start reading this review (If you even read this review) that I am a Young Adult Writer. So some suggestions that I make may apply to the audience that I usually cater to rather than the one you are trying to cater to.

Starting off, I really loved your description of Sunny! Through that, I got a vivid image in my head of what she looked like throughout the chapter. Not only of Sunny but you described the setting perfectly!

However as I continued reading, I noticed the shifting of emotions was a bit...hasty? Taking the Cashier x Sunny interaction, the cashier went from feeling sympathetic for Sunny as he rang up the cigarettes, business-like as he typed it in (that's fine tho), but then he got "fed up" when she only said her first name. The sudden change from sympathy to anger was sort of rushed and perhaps more interactions as Sunny continually refusing to give her last name could be inserted so it makes more sense! This can also be applied to other scenes, one example being her interaction with Kenny. He went from thinking her as a little girl to feeling sort of threatened. Of course this can work, but only if described in detail.
Kenny flinched as Sunny leaned forward suddenly, gesturing towards her eye. Kenny shifted backward, his eyes flicking towards where she was pointing. What he saw sent chills down his back. An pure, golden eye stared at him, unblinking. He snapped out of his reverie as Sunny spoke again.
It's slightly rough but you get the general idea. Inserting this would make the transition to feeling threatened feel a lot more natural!!!!

Similarity, I saw that some scenes were slightly rushed.When she got jumped by that man in the black armor. Just try building up to it. Add a shiver down her back. An ominous feeling. More things that would make her suspect someone's actually following her. Though I did see you added that no one else is on the street, it'd make it feel more natural if you added other stuff.

Other than that, it was a good story. The plot was well thought out and makes me want to read more. I hope you continue this series and writing!

goodolnoah says...

Thank you for the great review! I am happy you thought my descriptions came out well.

I do see what you mean with emotions shifting a bit fast. I have always found myself being pretty exaggerated with character emotions. Much of the Kenny interactions were written by the seat of my pants more to characterize Sonny. So I can see how some emotions might seem forced

The scene with Sonny being kidnapped also could have used some tweaks :shock:
I was having trouble trying to find a good way to transition into her capture and that was the option I ended up choosing.

Overall thank you for the praise and critiques! I have heard these critiques surrounding my work before and its still something I am trying to work out of! (especially if I ever plan to publish any of my work, lol)

Thank you for the thoughtful review!

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20 Reviews

Points: 2156
Reviews: 20

Sat May 25, 2024 4:00 pm
NoOneInParticular wrote a review...

Wow! Your story, from Sonny’s release from prison, to her capture, then eventually her decision to remove her eye was an exciting journey (I hope I managed to understand the story though, I heard I tend to read too fast).

I like how bit by bit you revealed information, especially the twist when Sonny was told that she was the newest person inhabiting Luna’s body, kind of like an alternate personality. And the fact that every sentence serves a purpose, like “A girl who called herself ‘Sonny’” was foreshadowing, and her spending all her money was a plot point that led her stay at Kenny’s house.

I’d like to know though, what exactly does the golden eye do? Is it some sort of power? Does it cause mental instability? The significance of the man with the golden eye in the last part is a bit lost on me because of this.

I’m quite new to reviewing, so please take everything with a grain of salt (Actually make that an entire spoon) as I have no idea what I’m talking about. Overall a great piece of work, keep writing!

goodolnoah says...

Thank you for the kind words! I tend to want to make sure my stories are both descriptive and to the point! So I am happy that every sentence seemed to serve a purpose!

I guess I should have explained the golden eye in a bit more detail...All it really does is grant the user great power. Highly advanced physical strength and all that. Sonny actually got it implanted in a past life!

The man with a golden eye is just a sort of red herring/cliffhanger for the reader to question the nature of them. I have an idea of what the ending is but I prefer it to be up to interpretation!

Thank you for the review! I'm honored you picked me as your very first one!

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin