Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Redman: Pestilence
TW: 18+ | Descriptions of Violence | Mature Language
PT 381, Dimension S-035, Santa Barraza
The smell of alcohol and fire rose further and further into the wind. It was a comforting feeling, being with my buddy again. No matter what the situation was. I had to let go of more and more employees. There’s no work to be done now that Mara introduced me to her new tech from space.
The city is now populated by structures able to reshape themselves into different forms using some sort of advanced nanomachines. They are self-sustaining. Humans can produce millions of new cells in minutes. Now these machines can do it too. They look like normal blocks, but inside they are producing more and more nanomachines inside. They can build anything, make it any thickness. From foam-like substances to steel-like materials. It is revolutionary! Mara says that these were created by Sky and her team of researchers. It’s a new world! All thanks to Mara! I might be the most profitable company very soon. With Mara as my new head. People love her, and she knows how to act in-person.
I was surprised.
Mara in her conduit suit, with her long, flowing red hair, accented with her gnarly spiked coat make her someone who stands out in a crowd. People say she looks like an angel. She has an earnest smile, and a beaming face. It’s like she’s some sort of icon of rebellion. An icon that has pictures of her holding babies circulating around the internet, news coverage of her shaking hands with the mayor, plus, she has quite the band of supporters to go with her.
Azuzu is like an excitable little sister to Mara. She’s doglike in the way she acts. She is loyal to death with Mara. She even wears some sort of schoolgirl outfit, and her hair is tied up in pigtails, her second love adorned on her forehead, the star. I’ve been feeling like she hates me. I can handle myself, but that serrated sword of hers is said to slice through Daoloth. Mara explains him as some sort of shapeless god. So complex that any viewer would go mad at the sight of him. I hope she isn’t telling stories.
Regardless of what I believe, it would explain a lot about Azuzu.
Kat, on the other hand, is almost too conservative. She’ll have a long chat with anybody. Bobbing her head up and down the entire time. Her long, purple hair bounces and dances as she babbles. She’s stopped me from getting to Mara a couple times because of whatever “problem of the day” she has. I don’t even think she brought anything to Earth, since she steals all my clothes. Her favorite topics involve the betterment of Earth or her great space adventures, which usually aren’t even hers.
Their adventure to Yuggoth got them thrown in space-prison. All because Sky integrated about half of the inhabitants of Na’morha into her cult. She sat back while Mara destroyed the planet, (which I don’t think she actually did.) before they were taken down by the Mi-go and brought to Triggde Prison. She convinced one of the guards to let her out, and lived in luxury until her team broke out. I wonder why they keep her around. But whenever I ask the others about Kat, they say that she is like the glue that always brings them together.
I don’t believe that.
The real thing that keeps them together is Sky, and she creeps me the fuck out.
She’s a short girl who looks all human. She even dresses the most human, with an all black corset, skirt, leggings, and boots. She looks like some sort of metal pop idol. I haven’t heard anything about her amazing powers, just the many times she has been able to persuade people to join her “cult”.
The Cult of Stardust.
Mara isn’t even the leader, because she is part of the cult too. Sky is some sort of scientific genius. She uses a high-tech computer that runs information through her mind at incredible speeds. She seems to transport herself into virtual worlds, all while eating dinner with us and keeping up conversations. She doesn’t talk much, but she listens. Those types of people are the scariest.
“How’s it feel?” Mara snapped me out of my thoughts. “To have this whole city at your fingertips?”
Even though some scoff at what we are doing, United States government sees the benefits of these machines that Mara brought to Earth. So they don’t do anything to stop us from expanding. Some people want to stop us. The U.S. doesn’t care. They don’t care about anything except their own security now, because they became a fully nomadic state after the third world war.
“Redevelopment has already started. Things are going smoothly.” I started. “ I really don’t care about all the business talk, Mara. I used a little bit of our excess materials to make something that I wanted to surprise you with.”
“A surprise? Don’t hold out on me, Red! Let’s go see it!”
I held Mara’s hand, and warped us to my surprise. The world turned from the cruel lighting of the city, to the inviting warmth of a fresh fireplace and a comforting wood interior. I sat on a rocking chair, it perfectly reflected the old chair that I used to sit in with Mara when we lived together. She was too big for her chair now, but she sat in it. Quietly examining the house.
“It’s our old house?”
“Yeah. Do you remember?”
She let out a light laugh. “I do now. Y’know, my memory has been a little fuzzy lately. Lots of that old stuff doesn’t come to me as easily as it used to. That’s why I’m moving on from all of it. We’ve gotta move forward, old geezer.” She prodded.
Bang!
I wasn’t even able to process what she had just said. I peeked out of the window, bringing my gun to my side. Mara walked out the door, looking up at the group of four. There was a man in the front who had a huge build, and a gigantic sword at his side. There was a girl behind the man who seemed like she was falling asleep. There was another man who was skinny with a red demon arm. The last “person” had a completely human body, head to toe with a suit and tie. But his head was that of a hairless cat, with a smug scowl.
The large man with the sword at his side walked right up to Mara. Towering above her.
“Christian Envy. I never expected to see you in the flesh again.” Mara prodded.
“I thought I told you not to come back to Earth.” His voice boomed.
“Oh, but I just had to see my buddy. We’re real tight. We haven’t chatted for a while.”
“I shouldn’t even try to reason with you. You're going to make this universe collapse. There can’t be two of you here at the same time. Not this close to each other.”
“I killed her already. It was the first thing I did when I came here.”
“Idiot! She’s still alive and out for revenge! If you ally with us, we can stop them!” He insisted.
“You know the days of us being allies has passed.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can fix the problem myself. People who think like you come around every week, I don’t have time to deal with you.” Christian said angrily.
Mara and Christian swung swords at each other. Mara’s sword was nearly twice the side of herself, just as Christian’s was. Somehow, this skinny, frail-looking woman was crossing blades and keeping up with the hulk that was Christian. Suddenly, a flurry of lights and explosions lit up behind her and Christian. It seemed like the fight was over in a second. Christian’s sword fell from the sky and into Mara’s hands. As Christian raised his hand, Mara used the momentum of the sword to jam it through his chest.
She’s like a wild beast.
“You think this will do anything?!” Christian yelled, pure adrenaline forcing through his veins. Christian tore the sword out of his chest, holding it above his head.
I watched Mara smile, the scene moved in slow motion, as I watched the girl who I once taught to disperse her body into lightning energy, ripping through every part of Christian’s body, and reforming inside of him, until-
Boom.
His body exploded into bloody pieces, and the child I once raised stood there covered in blood, smiling at me from the foot of our old house. She grabbed my hand and trotted away from the house and into the decimated city. Despite the destruction, I watched many people in the city come from their homes and point into the sky. A shining light floated in the air for people to flock to. She held up the heads of two of the people that were allied with Christian. The woman and the other man. The catlike man sat behind her with his mouth slammed shut, and eyes wide.
“People of Santa Barraza! These people tried to take our beautiful city! I understand we are all scared, I am too. This city can become the first utopia. Are we going to let the allies of the United States try to control us? Or are we going to fight back?!”
There was silence. Sky was glowing with an almost ethereal light. Like she was a god to be worshiped. As she came down to our level, she looked at the group of people that was gathering. There was silence, and then whispering, finally a voice rang out.
“They can’t control us!”
This was our world. Sky was some sort of a god, I finally got to see her at work. Mara just stood there, happy but disturbed. There was a shadowy organization that didn’t like Mara’s methods, and to top it off, the version of her that she had murdered was still alive. I get the feeling that Mara wants to get some life out of this world before moving on. But there was one fact that stuck with me the most.
Mara had been to Earth, and she hadn’t come to see me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the atrocious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Mara has successfully taken over Earth, I think. Or she’s going to at some point. But her other self is still out there and whatever Sky might have planned is something nobody is truly prepared for. Especially Redman.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like the way that you wrote how Redman feels about Mara vs Sky. He loves Mara as though she was his daughter and although he does seem to care for Sky too, he’s mostly afraid of her. That detail about the United States not doing anything to stop them because their tech has benefits feels sadly realistic, which is a detail that I love!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fabulous chapter on the chaos of a world being destroyed and worlds colliding! I enjoyed reading this and I am intrigued as to what Sky will do later on. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sky being described as “terrifying” before, so this will be interesting to see. And so…
I wish you an awesome day/night! ^v^
Okay. Chapter 4, here we go. Let's see what the craziest up to in Barraza town ToT
So he wishes that a shapeless god that makes people go mad *does* exist? That seems ...odd
[Quote]The real thing that keeps them together is Sky, and she creeps me the fuck out.[/quite]
Im with you my man xD
Overall: Between the tense changes and the directness of the prose, sometimes this feels heavily like im reading a report rather than a novel. What do these places feel like like? Smell like? What does Redman feel when he's in his old home?
The ending was confusing with the light. Was Mara holding up the heads? Where did Sky come from? Do people think Mara is a savior while she's blowing people up? It's all a bit confusing.
And for all this sci fi and planets and spaceships I was surprised to see Earth. Is that the dimension they are in? If so, where on earth are we? Why are they yelling about the United Ststes controlling people when we just learned that they went nomadic and solo after World War Three?
Does Redman feel fear around Mara? Was her plan overwhelming and he's just going along to keep himself alive? Does he believe.in her, because he made her this gift to see their home (whixh they were somehow tracked to immediately?) But he doesn't seem like he knows what their plans are or why he's a part of them. It's just hard to know because we havent seen much od what he feels when he's around someone so powerful.
~Messy
Heyo, have returned after lunch to read the final available chapter ^^ One more review for me before #ReviewDay and the inevitable Violet Victory!

I kinda can’t get over the fact that Mr Business Man Top Dog uses the word “buddy” =D
Hm why did he have to let them go? If the new space tech can do the work then it shouldn’t be his hindrance to keep paying the ppl?
Mara did not make a good impression on me so I am kinda surprised that the ppl love her. Would love to see how she managed that?
Idk why but the grammar here is not correct. The verb form: “make her someone who stands out in a crowd.”
Also “loyal to death with Mara”? Is that really the correct preposition?
In general the grammar in this one is really lacking. Maybe you could read over it again to make sure it’s consistent?
Okay what do you want to say with this sentence: “I can handle myself, but that serrated sword of hers is said to slice through Daoloth.” Redman doesn’t know this deity so why would he mention it like that? If the sword looks intimidating, say that it’s intimidating in a way that fits the character. Why this inane trivia? If it’s important that you mention Daoloth now then why in this way?
I think this is the only sentence in the paragraph abt Kat that I like: “Her favorite topics involve the betterment of Earth or her great space adventures, which usually aren’t even hers.“ And I really like this sentence 😊, just love the phrasing and the fact that these adventures for the most part aren’t even hers xd
Otherwise her paragraph is just… not very engaging. I don’t understand why he says she’s conservative without really explaining why. Is being chatty conservative? Is having purple hair conservative? Why is it relevant then? Also… why say that she stopped the MC from getting to Mara in this way? That sounds kinda interesting because a) she has the power to stop him b) she gives him vague reason and c) he lets her. But instead, it’s just a boring info dump the way you describe it here ☹
The next paragraph doesn’t fare much better. Why does this matter right now? And if it matters why not show how he learns all the cool space adventure stuff from them. In dialogue, with reactions from all involved? Why should I care about Mara and the girl squad? You have to give me a reason and this is not it :/
*reads about the random new characters appearing* I …don’t really have an opinion. My brain went “sure, that might as well just happen”
And I keep wondering: How do these people know all this stuff? How did Mara know where to find Alice? How do these guys know Alice is still alive? How do they know she’s out for revenge. I mean I want her to be out for revenge but she certainly doesn’t. She’s forced into the position.
And an equally important question: If Redman knew Alice looks like Mara, why didn’t he ever comment on that? Why is she just an employee he gave money to and not “Mara’s double in this world”?
Yep, it feels like this chapter definitely needed at least 2 more rounds of revisions, grammar- and phrasing-wise.
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What a nice thing to wake up to! Three reviews?! Based on your comments, I think this reflects how chapter one of this story enjoyed the most revisions. I am mainly posting this because I want to see guttural reactions to my formatting of this. My other stories are either full 1st person from one character or 3rd person. This switches from 1st person perspectives. I have some doubts about this format here, but I do like it and I think it makes the story unique. Seems like you are seeing it more as a detriment here, though.
I am glad you like Alice, as do I, but I personally love Mara and I am sad to see you don't enjoy her like I do. However, your crit is VERY warranted. I am historically one to often get ahead of myself with writing.
The Haiti idea wouldn't exactly work, because it is more about parallel dimension versions of one another being in the same dimension. Maybe your theory/idea has more stake in this story than you think though...
If you go along reading, I would quite enjoy it if you read the next chapter, which expands on Mara's backstory. This upcoming chapter was the original beginning of the story, but I moved it because I felt perhaps it would be a big change to go from her past to Alice. Maybe it is better the other way around, though.
Thank you for the reviews! These are SO good and if I see you again, keep those criticisms coming. You are really helping me consider various ways I can go about rewrites/revisions in this tale.