Published December 18, 2010
My Lord, may I be faithful with You now?
May I confess, and tell You how
I was unfaithful with my heart,
My soul, my body and my love.
I was the one to live in shadow,
And never thought about the light.
My Lord, you showed me meadow’s beauty,
The one I couldn’t ever fight.
The beauty of a rose in blossom,
All covered with the early dew.
The one that tries to play the possum
And save the sacred scent for You.
The beauty of a touch so tender,
Like summer wind in cypress trees.
The beauty of a sweet surrender
To your True Love’s kiss.
My Lord, You now have heard my prayer,
And You can guide me through the dark.
I’ll be your faithful slave forever,
Until I fall in Love.
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Well said. Your poem took me to another place. I loved it very much. The only things I want to comment on is to point out some of the things that you did in the poem that I particualarly liked. First, as mentioned above in other reviews, the lines
and
are both shorter and disrupt the flow of the poem. Both lines do exactly that, but I love doing that even in my own poetry. It's a method of emphasis, so good job, because those two line were very meaningful to me.
Also in the last stanza,
I espetially enjoy how yo use contridiction in the last line to give it emphasis. Honestly, the last line was so significant to me, that I thought that the poem should have been called "Until I fall in love." In the line before you say that you'll be His faithful slave forever, yet you then follow with "Until I fall in love." There lies the contradiction, and it is very effective for a climax. I also enjoy how at the begining of the stanza how you refer back to the poem, it gives the ending its own identity, and gives the reader a clear indication of the final stanza of the poem.
There's some amazing imagery in all the stanzas, especially the third and forth with the rose and the possom, and the touch so tender and sweet surrender.
You really got through to me with this poem, it was extreamely well written, and simple, and beautiful. Something that I've noticed as I've seen different works from artists, and this poem is not only a great example but helped me greatly in realizing this more fully, is that the beautiul pieces are often the simple ones. This poems was no exeption. Bless your soul, this poem was exquisite and beautiful. I feel I can relate to the poem, even though I've never experience a great religeous realization about my life. I felt warmed by the beauty and simplicity of you poem, thank you!
You're welcome
Amen. God bless you for writing such B-E-A-utiful poem!
--------------------
-Jojo.
Thank you very much. I'll be honest with you, I like the part about "the possum" most of all
This was sincerely beautiful. . . I feel like it could be a magnet on my fridge or a poster or something. I have to say I LIKED how you had those two last lines that were shorter than all the others, and how it felt right to you. . . just goes to show you that great poetry is not limited and restricted to following endless petterns. The imagery was great, and the poem just seems honest and thoughtful. The only thing, if I were to be nit-picky, is that the whole beauty of a rose blooming or whatever it was---that just seemed a bit cliche for this type of poem. Other than that, excellent.
LOVE that, how it references a rose covered in dew, saving it's scent for God by "playing possum". Clever =]
That was truly beautiful.
You chose the words so carefully. It's very articulate. Many of us like to go around, acting righteous and as if we're holier than so many others. I like that this showed both sides of the story; what he was, and what he wishes to be.
I think that the only advice I can give you is to keep writing. As great as you are of a writer now, you will improve much over time.
That was very touching. You have a very wonderful way with words. And keeping the poem fixed upon our Lord made it even better! Great job!
Thank you
Amen.
good job!
Thank you very much for you review. I really loved it, it's so seldom that people write such full reports, and some times we - writers - need such. I don't think I'll change anything in my poem. As i don't think it'll be natural afterwards. I prefer it the way it is.
P.S. but I'll put a question mark at the end of the line
This will be interesting to review I think - I'm an atheist so beware
My Lord, may I be faithful with You now? <---The entire verse isn't perhaps as intimate as it could have been but there is still a sense of closeness I must congratulate
May I confess, and tell You how
I was unfaithful with my heart,
My soul, my body and my love?<-- I'd put a question mark here. The sentence began with May I and is hence a question.
I was the one to live in shadow,
And never thought about the light.
My Lord, you showed me meadow’s beauty,
The one I couldn’t ever fight. <--- The depiction of a struggle is sweet here, but slightly out of context? I would rather draw this comparison with the "never thinking about the light" because I would think everyone appreciates beauty.
The beauty of a rose in blossom,
All covered with the early dew.
The one that tries to play the possum <---Slightly jarring image here. Why would a rose play possum? Perhaps you mean when its still a bud but it's slightly unclear.
And save the sacred scent for You.
The beauty of a touch so tender, <--- you've started the previous stanza with "The beauty" as well watch out for repetition
Like summer wind in cypress trees. <---Very nice image.
The beauty of a sweet surrender
To your True Love’s kiss. <---Slightly jarring, rhythmically speaking.
My Lord, You now have heard my prayer,
And You can guide me through the dark.
I’ll be your faithful slave forever, <---Slave? Slightly harsh word.
Until I fall in Love. <--- interesting ending, rhythmically jarring once more, but I think it's interesting. So are you saying that when you fall in love you will replace god with someone else? Interesting.
I won't speak on the message of the poem since I can't really be unbiased on the subject. It's an interesting read either way, just a few mistakes that could be arranged to perfect the poem. Good work
Hi there, thank you anyway for your response. I know it sounds a bit strange, but to be honest, i don't want to change a thing, i like it the way it is. When i was writing it, i had a feeling that this way it would be right. So i don't want to re-write it, I'll leave it like this.
I really enjoyed reading this, and loved the content of the poem. There are only two things that just seem to jump out as stange:
These two lines are shorter than all the rest. Where all the other lines of the poem are 8-10 syllables long, these two are 5 and 6 respectively. It wouldn't be strange if all of the last lines of each stanza were this short, but when you have the last line in a stanza end with 8 syllables 3 times in a row, and in the next one it drops to only 5, it can disrupt the flow a little bit (in my opinion).
Thank you very much! I do appreciate such kinds words! That's the best review i could ever get. Again thank you very much.
Oh, my, this is wonderful! Very vivid imagery and great diction, and it actually sounds like somebody is talking to God.
These are my favorite lines. It sounds harsh to the ears, but being a slave to God is the best thing you could be. It is much better than just saying, "I will follow you." You are good with words. I also like that it is a prayer.
No corrections needed that I can see! Great poem!