Young Writers Society

Hi there.
I have to wholeheartedly agree with Jesse here; this reads far more like an internet post or diary entry than it does a novel or short story.

First off, I'd say that as the two sections of your chapter are pretty short - I'd combine the two together and skip the 'part one, part two'. You can maybe do a page break, but it doesn't really feel like it needs parts. The other option is to flesh out your story a bit. You're doing an awful lot of telling us what's going on inside your character's head. That in itself is great, because it's always useful to know what someone is thinking but because of the way you have done it, you're telling the reader everything rather than showing them and that can completely ruin a piece of writing (in my opinion, anyway). Showing vs telling is a basic technique that you can read about online but I'll try and some it up for you quickly:

Well, telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.

Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.

Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.

This is what I feel you're lacking in your work. If you do intend it to read like a diary entry, that does indeed make it slightly more challenging, but not impossible. You can describe some of her emotions, what she's going through. It also helps the reader to become more sympathetic towards the character.

Jesse has mentioned most of what I'd like to say about your structure, but I'd like to add that I think you could do with varying your sentence lengths a little, if only to introduce some variety. Currently it reads quite disjointed (I find it helps to read it aloud and hear for yourself).

I won't go too much into the content of your story because I think you need to work on your method of telling it but it you do edit it and want my opinion I'd be happy to look at it again!

I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. Let me know if you have any questions.

Icy

Hey there! MJ here for a short review

Grammatical notes in the spoiler
Grammar mistakes that I corrected/parts I inserted are in red
My comments are in blue
Anything with a strikethrough should be removed

Spoiler! :

It is very hard to be the only person that is different from other people. I mean... people bully you and do whatever they can to make you think that you must be like them. How foolish. Just to be a little real here, only a FEW people will understand you despite the differences you have, and MOST of the people will not. Sigh...New paragraph

I had a pretty hard life back when I was five years old. You see, my dad was a drinker. He would drink non-stop every single night. He would be very abusive to my mom, and I would usually hide in my bedroom. Crying. I had no idea what I could've done. Yes, my mom is still alive till this day. And my dad you ask? He was in jail for around fifteen years. From then on, after he was released from jail, he was never to be seen again. I had no clue what happened to him after he was released.This means that 15 years, or more, have passed since Reuven was 5, meaning that she is now at least 20. Just keep in mind what that means for the rest of the story. How did I know? The news of course.I only knew this from what I had seen on the news. Just to be safe, my mom and I moved far away from Canada to America. I have been living in America for a long time after my mom and I moved since when I was five years old. We kept on moving from house to house for some reason, because my mom could not pay all the bills that were needed to be paid. Speaking of moving, it was really hard for me to adjust, because of how different everyone was, but I was able to cope with that feeling. I have many friends now that I have adjusted. I felt accomplished that I was able to do all that. By the way, my name is Reuven Rothstein. I'm a fourteen year old girl with a light-brownish hair, dark-brownish eyes, and a light-brown skin. I mostly wear cartoon beanies like Steven Universe. Anyways, my mom is inviting me for an afternoon walk. Farewell now.

This felt more like a diary entry than a real novel, or a story. It was also unusually short, this part only about 300 words. The way you transitioned from topic to topic was slightly choppy and awkward, the best example of this being when you described Reuven at the very ending.

Another way you could possibly improve this would be to add a heading or a time stamp at the top, like Jesse suggested, something like, "March 14, 2016. First Diary Entry of Reuven Rothsein". This serves three purposes-- 1, it immediately tells the reader what the story is going to be about, 2, it introduces Reuven, and 3, it tells the reader the time. Moving on to the next chapter.





(By the way, this is an introductory chapter. Hope you enjoy it! )

Chapter one , part two

A walk in the park always makes me feel happy. From the trees, to the butterflies, and everything that makes the walk feel special. Despite the hard life I had back then, I would always walk in this park to take my mind off things. But she was only 5, so how does she remember so much and know enough back then to have taken walks?New paragraph?

Life for me is doing very great so far, yet I had to struggle with some things in today's world. Like bullying. Kids will make fun of me of my skin color and etc.It might be best to list two or three things here instead of just one It wasn't very easy to cope with, but my mom always told me not to mind them. It was hard by just not minding them. Kids will keep on doing the same thing over and over again. Speaking of which, my mom and I are heading home already. It was getting a little late. I have to go to school tomorrow. It's going to be my first day. I'm a little nervous, but I'm also excited to meet new friends. I hope that people will not judge me for who I am. New paragraph?We finally arrived home, and it was time for me to get dressed for bed. I packed all of my school supplies into my backpack, and put them off to where I can see them. I know it has only been a short while that I told you about my life, but it'll get better. This is only just the beginning of what is about to happen next. Well, goodnight for now.

This reads more like a blog post than perhaps a story. I don't know if that was the intended effect or not, but if it was, I would consider breaking up the story a little differently. Breaking up the first "part" with paragraph breaks and some type of format. Maybe go even further and add a "time stamp" or "first entry" sort of heading, if that's the type of narrative you're going for. Either that, or maybe eliminate the parts altogether and make both paragraphs the same part of a first chapter, but with the previously mentioned paragraph breaks and everything.

I'm not sure about the opening line. What was meant by "the only person different from other people?" You later talk about skin color, and things of that nature. Maybe if this was added after that opening line it might be a little more clear that it is by those means that you're referring. This would also help with some paragraph construction, like I've said. It would just help the reader understand your intent. How did the news help with the condition of the father? It's not really added on to as to how the news helped. I would add something about that, again, as clarity. I'm glad there's some added hope to the second part. Walks are always good for reflection, and I was glad to see that put into action here. A little more imagery from the setting could also benefit, just like "as I walked past the trees, I thought about..." and so on. I really think this would work as a blog entry type of format, but presented as the story. Just telling the story through these intimate blog posts, I think would really be beneficial to the story.

I enjoyed reading this! I hope I didn't come off too strong or anything. If there are more parts, think about some paragraph breaks, even if the suggested blog entry isn't explored, I think it would help the flow of the story telling in a way that would feel more realistic to the story, if that makes sense. Just my suggestions. Feel free to let me know what you think about the suggestions, I'm sorry again if I came off too harsh or anything. Good luck on any continuation and as always, keep writing!