Hi there.
I have to wholeheartedly agree with Jesse here; this reads far more like an internet post or diary entry than it does a novel or short story.
First off, I'd say that as the two sections of your chapter are pretty short - I'd combine the two together and skip the 'part one, part two'. You can maybe do a page break, but it doesn't really feel like it needs parts. The other option is to flesh out your story a bit. You're doing an awful lot of telling us what's going on inside your character's head. That in itself is great, because it's always useful to know what someone is thinking but because of the way you have done it, you're telling the reader everything rather than showing them and that can completely ruin a piece of writing (in my opinion, anyway). Showing vs telling is a basic technique that you can read about online but I'll try and some it up for you quickly:
Well, telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.
Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.
This is what I feel you're lacking in your work. If you do intend it to read like a diary entry, that does indeed make it slightly more challenging, but not impossible. You can describe some of her emotions, what she's going through. It also helps the reader to become more sympathetic towards the character.
Jesse has mentioned most of what I'd like to say about your structure, but I'd like to add that I think you could do with varying your sentence lengths a little, if only to introduce some variety. Currently it reads quite disjointed (I find it helps to read it aloud and hear for yourself).
I won't go too much into the content of your story because I think you need to work on your method of telling it but it you do edit it and want my opinion I'd be happy to look at it again!
I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. Let me know if you have any questions.
Icy
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