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The Simulation

by goldenrebel


I'm thinking of turning this into a multiple chapter work following the lives of different characters. Do you people agree with this idea or should I just stop now?

The young boy lay silently asleep, he could not have been any older than 16. He wore a t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. His body was thin and short no taller than 5’ 6”. His hair was jet black, his face showed little dots of pimples and the beginning of facial hair. He had a strange PDA that had been locked in place on his right arm. All around him people of similar age were asleep as well. There were thousands upon thousands of them all bunched up together in what appeared to be the town square for a city. On one side of the square was a large red-bricked building that had many windows and three floors. In the center was a fountain with flowing, shimmering water and on all sides of the square tall loud speakers surrounded it. Everything was tranquil until suddenly a screeching large sound fired off from the loud speakers awakening everyone within the square.

The people rose up from their slumber dazed and confused with some putting their hands on their ears to protect them from the sound. Just as sudden as the sound had started it ended after only a few seconds. Then an aged and graveled male voice was heard and it said, “I welcome you all to the simulation I hope you enjoyed your rest. You will have no memory of your past lives as an unfortunate side effect of entering the simulation. This was once a game used for entertainment where if you died here you would not die in real life. But now if you die here you will be killed in real life by your simulation equipment. Any attempts to remove the gear from the outside world will also cause you to die. There is only one way to now to free yourselves from this world and it will not be a simple and easy task. The simulation is inhabited by the reanimated remains of the dead more commonly known as zombies. These zombies are vast with many different mutated forms that you people will discover. If you are able to eradicate every single one of them then you shall be freed from this simulation. To help you in this task a PDA has been fitted onto your arm. It will allow you to track your skills, equipment, and any information that you acquire. I have nothing left to say but good luck and may you not die.”

The boy then silently examined his PDA while people around him either panicked, broke down in madness, or preformed something similar to him. In it he found a menu containing data of what he was carrying, what abilities he had, what condition he was in, and what he knew so far about the zombies. He found that the only thing he had on him was pocket knife with a blade no longer then his ring finger. The amount of abilities he could improve upon was endless containing categories such as cooking and blades. His body was perfectly fine but he wondered how long that state would last. And he had no information about the zombies but he assumed he would learn soon about them. Instead of waiting in the square hoping things would change he proceeded to walk casually down one of the roads unknown of what he would meet soon enough. He was determined to escape this world and discover who he was before this had all happened.

They boy then heard a panicked voice from behind and felt someone grab his shoulder, “where do you think you’re going?” The boy turned around to see a tall kid about the same age as him. He had brown hair that went to his shoulders, a strong physique, and wore a wife beater and shorts. The boy replied to him in a strong tone, “I’m leaving now and I’m going to survive.” The tall kid then said, “I won’t let you kill yourself” and grabbed the boy! He struggled against the kid’s strong grip and grabbed the pocket knife from his pocket. He unfurled the blade and used it to stab the kid in the gut. The kid released the boy and felt where he had been stabbed. He looked surprised and panicked at first but then became angry at the boy and yelled, “I’ll kill you!” He charged at the boy trying to tackle him to the ground but the boy dodged him and proceeded to stab him in the back multiple times with his knife. The kid slumped to the ground and blood spurted from his mouth and back causing a pool of crimson red blood to form around him.

They boy stared at his hands looking at his bloody knife and trying to comprehend what he had just done. “It was life or death I had no choice”, the boy thought. “If I hadn’t stopped him I would be the one lying on the ground now dead.” A screen appeared on the boy’s PDA showing what the kid had been carrying on him. He had a few yards worth of rope on him and nothing more. “I might as well take this and not let his death go to total waste.” A few other people had started walking in his direction and saw the dead body of the kid. They only stared as the boy continued down the road accepting the reality of what he must do to survive.


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Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:16 pm
deleted17 wrote a review...



When I read the description, the first thing that came to my mind was " So basically a dumber, blood thirstier, Hunger Games." But the differences were that the people there have a choice of helping out each other, or just kill every one off.

I liked it, though the guy could've said what city they were in.




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Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:14 am
sylviaelioness wrote a review...



First, to answer your question: I think it would be a great idea for you to continue this. You leave the reader hanging there wondering if he does actually survive.

This reminds me of the Hunger Games. A fight to the death to escape a world of unreal reality. It's a great topic to write about, considering it's thrilling and scary. However, I think you should think about what theme you want this story to have because you might send off a message you don't want to send off.

Meanwhile, I only found one big grammatical error which was:
“I welcome you all to the simulation I hope you enjoyed your rest."
This sentence is a run-on. I suggest you put a period after simulation, so that the two sentences are running into each other. :)

Great start for a story or novel.
Sylvia.




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Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:27 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi golden! Here to review~

Firstly, i think you should definitely continue this story, it's got loads of potential so don't ever feel you need to stop! It's a really cool idea you've got here and I was personally really intrigued by the whole Simulation idea, and the fact they're being watched all the time (?). It sort of reminds me of the Hunger Games (but very different ideas), it's just the same sort of genre. There are a few good descriptions in here too.

I'm going to start with a technical thing, this was mentioned earlier but you've got missing commas in quite a few places. In reviews I don't often focus on punctuation but I saw quite a few missing commas so I thought I'd give you a few examples:

His body was thin and short no taller than 5’ 6”.

There should be a comma after 'short'.


The people rose up from their slumber dazed and confused with some putting their hands on their ears to protect them from the sound.

The comma should be after 'confused'.

Instead of waiting in the square hoping things would change he proceeded to walk casually down one of the roads unknown of what he would meet soon enough.

Here it should be after 'changed'. Basically, with commas if you're having troubles with them, try and read your sentences aloud, and then every time you feel there should be a pause, add in a comma.

I'd like to see more description in this. As I mentioned before, you do have some, but in particular I'd like to see more about all the people in that cramped up space. How does it feel for them? Probably uncomfortable, so you could mention that. And what are the smells? Describing these things will bring the setting to life, maybe it will make the readers feel more empathetic for your characters considering the conditions that they're in.

Everything was tranquil until suddenly a screeching large sound fired off from the loud speakers awakening everyone within the square.

I found that often with this piece there weren't enough short sentences, and here is a perfect example of where one could be used. Short sentences are really effective when describing something dramatic, and this is pretty dramatic seeing as the whole mood is about to change.

Also, the MC's personality here is a bit odd as it changed quite drastically. Now I'm not saying that their personality can't change, however it's not really explained. And then why does he kill that guy? He seems like you're normal teen at first and then that happens? What drives him to do it? I think you could explain this a bit more.

One last thing is that the bit where he stabs him- does that not quite make sense? Because there are no names involved when I was reading it I actually go rather confused as to who killed who, and then they're both male so 'he' was used often. Could it be worth revealing the name of your character in the first bit? I think it would help clear up this paragraph a lot :).

Overall, this was a good piece. I think the simulation idea is really cool and interesting, and there's so much you can do with it- I definitely want to read more. As for improvements, I'd like to see some more descriptions of the setting, and for it just to be clearer when things are being explained. Also remember to vary your sentence lengths! I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review. Please let me know if you post any more of this!

Keep writing!
-Arc x




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Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:44 am
xxFleetingEternity wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to review your piece. Sorry, it may just be a bunch of jumbled up thoughts, but that's what I'm known for.

First, the criticism-
"The young boy lay silently asleep, he could not have been any older than 16." I think you should put a period in place of a comma in this sentence.

You are missing a lot of commas in the following sentences- anything that begins with a prepositional phrase needs to have a comma after the phrase. Example from your story: "In the center (comma here, after the prepositional phrase) was a fountain with flowing, shimmering water and on all sides of the square (another prep phrase began after the comma, so there should be a comma here as well.) tall loud speakers surrounded it." Anything starting with in, on, with, by, etc. that is used to describe location should definitely have a comma after you state the location.

Also, I feel you have the boy's personality shift too drastically; he goes from being somewhat callous to outraged, which is good character development, but difficult for the reader in a short story.


Now, what I liked:
Your introduction was intriguing; it really drew the reader in. I like the originality of the plot and how descriptive you are. Your ending was really a cliff-hanger; I think it makes the reader want to read more, which is a good thing. A sense of fulfillment that you should pride yourself on.

Overall, I give this piece a 7/10. Nice work.




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Sun Jul 21, 2013 9:10 pm
BookWorm97 wrote a review...



Hi there golden rebel

Your short story was very interesting. You have a wide imagination. You definitely persuaded me to read on. I was as curious as the young boy was! What was he doing there!?
I noticed on two occasions that you didn't capitalise the letter before the speech marks (sorry dude it needs to be done!) and I felt the young boy was rather emotionless! Im 16 and would feel as scared as hell if I found myself there!
I do agree with crazycraz though, I found it quite horrific that the young boy would stab someone completely unknown. Personally I thought that the tall kid was trying to protect him!!
Even though its an adventure story try and make it a bit more realistic. Despite this you described the scene wonderfully, I could really picture it in my mind.
I really think you should consider turning this into a novel! Its a fab idea!

Good Luck!




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Sun Jul 21, 2013 7:13 pm
goldenrebel says...



Thanks for the responses guys. I didn't use comma's because I was thinking too much like this was an academic piece. I'll try to refine my grammar and continue the story with this character giving him more emotion and depth. I'll try to post a continuation soon if I have the time.




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Sun Jul 21, 2013 4:16 pm
shulchan wrote a review...



The young boy lay silently asleep, he could not have been any older than 16. You put a coma between these lines to connect them, but they have nothing to do with each other. It would read better if you separated them to form two separate sentences. He wore a t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sneakers. His body was thin and short put a comma here no taller than 5’ 6”. His hair was jet black, his face showed little dots of pimples and the beginning of facial hair. After reading these lines I have a question- why are you describing his appearance now? Is it really completely necessary to know RIGHT NOW? Your first few lines are especially important because they are supposed to hook the reader in and make them continue reading. Starting off describing him does neither. I think you should hold up on the description until later (if you must describe him at all), after the reader has already been drawn in to the story. He had a strange PDA that had been locked in place on his right arm. All around him put a comma here. people of similar age were asleep as well. There were thousands upon thousands of themput a comma here. all bunched up together comma in what appeared to be the town square for a city. On one side of the square was a large red-bricked building that had many windows and three floors. In the centercomma was a fountain with flowing, shimmering water and on all sides of the square tall loud speakers surrounded it. Instead of writing “tall loud speakers surrounded it” I think it would flow better if you wrote “and on all sides of the square there were tall, loud speakers.” We already know the surrounding part- if the speakers are on all sides of the square, then it’s obviously surrounded. Everything was tranquil until suddenly a screeching large sound fired off from the loud speakers awakening everyone within the square.
The people rose up from their slumber comma dazed and confusedcomma with some putting their hands on their ears to protect them from the sound. Just as suddenly as the sound had startedcomma it ended after only a few seconds. omit the “after a few seconds.” We already know that it ended quickly. Then an aged and graveled male voice was heard and it said, “I welcome you all to the simulation I hope you enjoyed your rest. You will have no memory of your past lives as an unfortunate side effect of entering the simulation. This was once a game used for entertainment where if you died here you would not die in real life. But now if you die here you will be killed in real life by your simulation equipment. Any attempts to remove the gear from the outside world will also cause you to die. There is only one way to now to free yourselves from this world and it will not be a simple and easy task. The simulation is inhabited by the reanimated remains of the dead more commonly known as zombies. These zombies are vast with many different mutated forms that you people will discover. If you are able to eradicate every single one of them then you shall be freed from this simulation. To help you in this task a PDA has been fitted onto your arm. It will allow you to track your skills, equipment, and any information that you acquire. I have nothing left to say but good luck and may you not die.” I love your idea! I think you have a pretty original plot going on here.
The boy then silently examined his PDA while people around him either panicked, broke down in madness, or preformed something similar to him. In it he found a menu containing data of what he was carrying, what abilities he had, what condition he was in, and what he knew so far about the zombies. He found that the only thing he had on him was pocket knife with a blade no longer then his ring finger. The amount of abilities he could improve upon was endlesscomma containing categories such as cooking and blades. His body was perfectly fine but he wondered how long that state would last. And he had no information about the zombies but he assumed he would learn soon about them. Instead of waiting in the squarecomma hoping things would changecomma he proceeded to walk casually down one of the roads unknown of what he would meet soon enough. He was determined to escape this world and discover who he was before this had all happened. What had all happened?
Why is this boy so calm? Isn’t he scared? Or at least a little disbelieving? I mean, how would you react if some guy came up and said that to you? So far your character doesn’t seem to have any emotions. He wakes up in a strange place, but he isn’t the least bit scared and it doesn’t occur to him to wonder how he arrived there. He hears an announcement saying he supposed to kill a bunch of zombies or die, and he still remains calm. He just “walks casually down one of the roads unknown of what he would meet soon enough.”
Don’t you think that’s a little bit… unrealistic?

They boy then heard a panicked voice from behind and felt someone grab his shoulder, there should be a period here instead of a comma “where do you think you’re going?” start a new line for dialogue The boy turned around to see a tall kid about the same age as him. He had brown hair that went to his shoulders, a strong physique, and wore a wife beater and shorts. The boy replied to him in a strong tone, “I’m leaving now and I’m going to survive.” start a new line when the tall kid speaks The tall kid then said, “I won’t let you kill yourself” He was going to kill himself? and grabbed the boy! He struggled against the kid’s strong grip and grabbed the pocket knife from his pocket. He unfurled the blade and used it to stab the kid in the gut. The kid released the boy and felt where he had been stabbed. He looked surprised and panicked at firstcomma but then became angry at the boy and yelled, “I’ll kill you!” He charged at the boycomma trying to tackle him to the groundcomma but the boy dodged him and proceeded to stab him in the back multiple times with his knife. The kid slumped to the ground and blood spurted from his mouth and backcomma causing a pool of crimson red blood to form around him.
They boy stared at his handscomma looking at his bloody knife and trying to comprehend what he had just done. “It was life or death I had no choice”, the boy thought. “If I hadn’t stopped him I would be the one lying on the ground now dead.” A screen appeared on the boy’s PDAcomma showing what the kid had been carrying on him. He had a few yards worth of rope on him and nothing more. “I might as well take this and not let his death go to total waste.” A few other people had started walking in his direction and saw the dead body of the kid. They only stared as the boy continued down the road comma accepting the reality of what he must do to survive.
In the above paragraph, the boy finally shows some emotion over something that’s happened. Which is good, but I think you could use some more. He just stabbed someone to death and his only reaction is mild shock? What about guilt? Sadness? Isn’t he horrified by himself?
Onto my overall opinion-
I felt this was a pretty good start to a piece. You have an original idea going on here and I would love to read more. The main thing you need to work on is your grammar- mainly concerning your lack of commas- and also your lack of emotion and character personality. Otherwise, I think you did a great job on this first part and I can’t wait to read more if you decide to continue it.



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shulchan says...


My computer is acting really funny today. I'm sorry if my review is hard to understand because it doesn't really have spaces between paragraphs, and is sometimes missing spaces between words.



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Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:34 pm
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Craz wrote a review...



I'm going to be reviewing this today, so I'm going to start off with nit-pick errors.

"His body was thin and short no taller than 5’ 6”."
~ You need to put a comma after short.

"On one side of the square was a large red-bricked building that had many windows and three floors."
~ Here you could say "..was a large three-story red-bricked building.."

"In the center was a fountain with flowing, shimmering water and on all sides of the square tall loud speakers surrounded it."
~ You don't need to put loud, because for one thing the speakers would need to be making noise for them to be loud, and they don't until later on.

"Everything was tranquil until suddenly a screeching large sound fired off from the loud speakers awakening everyone within the square."
~ Large is not necessary here, because screeching is naturally loud. And again, you need to get rid of the loud in front of speakers.

"The people rose up from their slumber dazed and confused with some putting their hands on their ears to protect them from the sound."
~ You need to put a comma after slumber and another one after confused.

“I welcome you all to the simulation I hope you enjoyed your rest."
~ Here, you need a semicolon after simulation.

"He found that the only thing he had on him was pocket knife with a blade no longer then his ring finger."
~ It would be Than and not then.

"Instead of waiting in the square hoping things would change he proceeded to walk casually down one of the roads unknown of what he would meet soon enough."
~ A comma after roads.

"The tall kid then said, “I won’t let you kill yourself” and grabbed the boy!"
~ And exclamation mark should only be used when someone is speaking.

“It was life or death I had no choice”, the boy thought."
~ Here, I disagree with it being life or death. He was the first one to get violent, and there was no need to stab him as many times that he did unless he's a serial killer in his past life. Also, a semi-colon after death and the comma would be after choice, not after the quotation marks.

~ You tend to write your sentences without commas. The sentences bleed together and it distracts the reader from the actual plot.

I enjoyed reading the beginning. It made me curious to what was happening- Why were there thousands lined up in the square? Why are they all asleep? But near the end, I would have to say that you lost me. I find it very unrealistic for the 15 year old guy to start stabbing another kid not once, but multiple times, because he wouldn't leave him alone. Normally he might have punched him in the face, but not stab. Also the reaction to the dead kid bleeding all over the concrete is dull; he would have been freaking out and probably scarred. You need to enlighten his shock at stabbing someone to death. Unless you want the kid to be a serial killer in the past, which if you do you need to give some more hints before he stabbed someone to death, then you need to fix that.

I suggest maybe lengthening this, putting in some more details. I really like the plot too, and I think it would be a good idea into making this into a chapter sort of deal.

Keep on writing! ;)





If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems