Hello, my name is Lisa and it has been three days since my last chocolate binge.
I really feel like chocolate has begun to control me, y'know? I wake up every single day and think, 'I should have Cocoa Puffs for breakfast'. I won't eat anything if it doesn't have chocolate on it. The other day, I was at a restaurant and I asked for chocolate ice cream instead of vanilla and the waitress was like, "Sure!" And so I waited patiently as one does for their dessert at a restaurant, and a few minutes later she brought out the cake and what ice cream did she bring out? VANILLA. VANILLA ICE CREAM, people. VANILLA. I would NOT EAT IT. Just last Thursday, I wanted to put CHOCOLATE SAUCE on a HOT DOG.
Lisa, what did you do after your hot dog fiasco?
Well, I didn't put any chocolate sauce on the hot dog. But I REALLY wanted to.
Good job, Lisa. *faint clapping* Chocolate sauce belongs on sundaes, not hot dogs.
Exactly! But chocolate CONTROLS me! It's really hard to go a day without chocolate. My last binge was after this absolutely AWFUL test at school. I got an 85% on it. I need 90's to keep my GPA up. If I want to go a good college, I need a good GPA. To get a good GPA, I need good test grades. If I want to get good test grades, I need to study. But to study, I need a reward or I don't remember things, so chocolate is my reward. DO YOU SEE HOW THE STRUGGLE IS SO REAL?!
Yes, Lisa, and we confide in your hardship.
I don't know how people at school just don't eat chocolate. It's EVERYWHERE--in the vending machines, in the lunch line, in friends' lunches.
Have you tried replacing your chocolate cravings with sweet fruit?
Yes, but it isn't the SAME. Chocolate is a gift from the Milky Way itself. Ooo, if anyone has a Milky Way, come talk to me.
You literally just ASKED for chocolate, at a chocoholic anonymous meeting.
So? It's good.
You're here to get help, not make your problem worse.
But it's such a sweet, beautiful, delicious, chocolatey problem. What's so wrong with that?
When you eat chocolate, you eat almost five chocolate bars in one sitting. That isn't very healthy.
But...it tastes good.
Lisa, we are concerned for your health.
That's okay, just let me know when I can go home. My mom made brownies! She just texted me. Y'all can come along if you want.