Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Zinc startles awake from a snap to his forehead. He shoots his head up from the bar, looking around confused. His eyes still on J's rather annoyed face.
“Oh,” a grin spreads to his face. “Hello, Robocop.”
J doesn't change their expression. “Your nicknames are getting worse.”
“I think it's an upgrade to Soup can,” Zinc shrugs, reaching to empty his whiskey glass. J's eyes follow his movements.
“Come home,” they say eventually.
Zinc lets out an offended gasp. “Already? The party is just beginning!”
The robot's eyes roam around the empty bars, a few patrons are at a round table, otherwise it's empty.
“Sure.” J crosses their arms. “Either way, you come with me.”
Zinc looks around himself, groaning. He waves to the bartender, putting his drinks on his tab. J takes the lead to the backdoor, opening it. Zinc notes the lock looks broken.
They leave into the cold night, the ground is wet from the recent rain. “Did you break the back door?” Zinc asks, raising an eyebrow as he catches up with the other.
“No,” J lies. “It was like this when I came here.”
Zinc snorts as they enter an alleyway to avoid the main street. They step through a few puddles, going from alleyway to alleyway. A few times they have to stop, waiting for a drone to pass. They didn't need another drone chase this week.
“So,” Zinc talks in a low voice as they take another turn, “Why are you so eager to get me home?”
J has an eager step in, walking so quickly Zinc barely noticed the limp they have in their left leg, barely. Of course he noticed, J's walking pattern had been off, and now he saw why. The knee didn't bend.
J answers with a casual tone, “You said you would be home early, you didn't, so I came looking.”
Zinc makes an aww sound, mocking them. “You're so caring for me.”
“Shut up,” J grumbles backwards, opening the backdoor to their small apartment. “Or I'll staple it closed.”
Zinc takes the steps, waiting every few for J to catch up. They're really trying to make the unfunctional knee as little as a problem as possible.
“You know, I like other ways to shut me up better.”
J passes him, punching his shoulder. “That one's more permanent.”
Zinc lets out a laugh. He smiles as J opens the door for him, walking inside to throw himself on the couch. It was a broken one they found, better than nothing. Even if comfortable was not the word for it.
J did the same, seating themselves next to Zinc, putting their leg up.
Zinc bites his lip, biting around on it. He stares at the knee until he can't take it anymore. He stands.
“Where are you going?” J asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Getting my tools. Your leg is malfunctioning.”
He hears J let out an annoyed groan, as if fixing their leg was a bigger hassle than walking around with it broken.
He grabs the leg as he sits back down, pulling the fabric of their pants up until the kneecap is revealed. Zinc only has to look it over for a few seconds until finding a problem.
“Ah, there. Did you land weirdly? The cap is busted and blocking the bend..” He runs his hands along the metal, turning the knee. It earns another groan from J as they have to turn onto their side.
“A few hours ago,” they answer. They hold their head up on one hand, with a relaxed expression as Zinc starts tinkering to fix it. “It's no big deal.”
Zinc shrugs, “Well, now that you don't get maintenance from Arachnis anymore, someone gotta fix your shit, huh?” He smirks.
The fix isn't anything complicated. Zinc doesn't know why J didn't want to mention it. Embarrassment? That would be new, but on the other hand. In the last few weeks, a lot of things have been new. As if the person he thought he knew returned more and more to humanity.
He finishes up in a few minutes, testing the leg by bending it back and forth.
“And done,” Zinc looks up with a smile.
He blinks a few times at J's closed eyes. “Did you seriously shut down while I'm doing an amazing fix here?”
No answer. Zinc puts the leg down, shuffling over to J's side. The head is slightly leaned down, their arm still holding it up, nothing much like a shutdown, more like… dozed off?
“Did… you seriously fall asleep?” Zinc talks more to himself than to J, catching himself laughing. “That's new. Didn't even know you could still do that.”
He shifts again, putting an arm over J's waist and laying behind them. “You still surprise me.”
Zinc closes his own eyes and falls asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Huch wollte garnicht das das so rüberkommt. Ich nehm solch Kritik immer zu Herzen, ich bin da auch dankbar für ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ Mostly post ich den stuff um Ocs zu sharen, merk ja selber das da viel kontext fehlt, merk ich mir und wend ich an, will da garnicht gegen ankämpfen. Ich infodumpe immer nur viel, besonders bei J und Zinc (ᵕ—ᴗ—)
@Tikaya wollte dir eig antworten aber irgendwie verschwindet die immer. Wenn da jetzt dreimal was kommt tuts mir leid xd
Considering I read the snippet and I liked the charas, let me look at the start of this story too XD
Arent we in Zinc’s head? Is he that sure that his robot friend lied? XD (I had to smile at this tho!)Ah it feels like you could use a bit more practice with descriptions. Your environments are always a bit too barebones for me~
Hmmm I don’t really like this phrasing: “He shoots his head up” it feels over-explainy and you have the word “head” in the previous sentence too.
I do not understand why Mr Robot felt like breaking the backdoor tho? Maybe you could set up why they need to avoid the front door a bit more?
I like that one of your MCs is a robot (tho I do want to know how come they have such strong emotions!)
Interesting start but I feel like not enough has happened and I don’t really understand the worldbuilding so far ^^
thank you for reviewing again ^^ again same problem as before, this is meant for friends only originally so I didnt change much. Zinc knows J lied because it is something they would do. (also technically this isnt the start of the story, it plays after all their events, I don't really have a system) this is older I rarely grammar checked back then
And yes, I gotta agree I dont describe envoirements bc again this is for people knowing what the world looks like, so im too lazy to do for them xd
I can do it i swear its just a me-problem. Ive never really written for people I dont know before, I usually keep this stuff private. Friends of mine encouraged me to post it.
The reason nothing happened is because everything did already happen, this plays after the events of their lore. It's hard to explain everything in one comment, so I wouldnt know where to info dump ^^'
Hmmm was genau erhoffst du dir dann von Kommentaren? XD
what an interesting premise. i have to admit i don’t read a lot of sci-fi, but these characters seem really fun. J really reminded me of the androids from DBH for some reason, even if that’s probably not very like him if he’s made of metal. the opening scene specifically reminded me of connor finding hank in a bar :3
anyway, there are only a few recommendations i have for this piece.
firstly, though this is subjective, i’d recommend switching ‘still on’ to something like ‘land on’. technically ‘still’ works, but to me it felt a bit unnatural as i read it as “Indicates that an event or state is ongoing from the past into the present” instead of “Lacking physical motion or stationary” which didn’t make sense since his gaze just landed on J.
also, J says ‘staple it’ and the reader understands from the context he means zinc’s mouth, but it isn’t explicitly mentioned so grammatically it doesn’t make full sense.
lastly you say zinc ‘bites around on it’, ‘it’ referring to his lip. i don’t know, this phrasing just felt a bit odd to me. personally i’d recommend changing it to something like chewing or gnawing on his lip.
that was it. other than that i really liked this piece, great work and thanks for sharing! i’ll look forward to seeing you on the site and reading more of your stuff.
Thyy! The ocs are mostly inspired by cyperpunk but i do take a lot of inspiration from dbh
regarding grammar thank you for the feedback. In my defense, I mostly write at night/i dont have beta readers so stuff like this is really helpful. I didn't read over this when before i posted it mb my native language is german. Im trying my best, thank you for reading!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is a short story about a robot named J who wants Zinc to come back home after drinking, so he does. But once they get back home, he notices that J’s leg is broken and takes it upon himself to fix it. J falls asleep, but at least it’s at their house, where they have one another.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you want to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you wrote down Zinc and J’s relationship. It kind of feels like they are still getting to know each other but that they are also closer than they say. I like how J didn’t want to tell Zinc about their broken leg, it feels like they’re being more human. And when Zinc lies next to J, it’s just so sweet! :>
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely short story about you and your friends’ OCs! I enjoyed reading this and if you ever want to post more, then I’ll be sure to read it! I would love to see more about Zinc and J and…
I wish you an awesome day/night! ^v^
Hello! Thanks for reviewing. I have a lot more stuff about them both xd regarding the relationship this plays after the events of the main story, the two just rarely express feelings towards each other. Both their love languages are acts of service %uD83D%uDE0C
Awww that%u2019s so sweet. ^v^