Pete Doherty

Heeey, the title caught my attention, so i thought i'd review seeing as nobody else has, which is pretty sad

gn001f1735 wrote:Irresistible Features, SHOULD FEATURES BE CAPITALIZED?
Life enraged with leeches,
Sweat dripping from [s]hies[/s] HIS hair,
I feel intrigued to visit his lair. DID YOU USE THIS JUST BECAUSE IT RHYMES? I DON'T THINK IT WORKS, IN MY OPINION.

Devouring eyes that dazzle with pride,
I can't believe [s]i[/s] CAPITALIZE THE I was stood at his side.
Mind spinning round and round,
Body trembling from his systematic sound. THIS LINE IS HARD TO READ- TOO MANY SYLLABLES!

So much talent in his soul,
Why does he constantly fall into that horrendous hole, SAME HERE, TOO MANY SYLLABLES! ALSO THERE SHOULD BE A QUESTION MARK!
he's on a spiral out of control,
next time he may not even achieve parole. I'D TAKE OUT THE EVEN

Lyrics that touch all parts of life, I LOVE THIS LINE !
Watching his talent [s]his[/s] I ASSUME THIS SHOULD BE 'IS' like holding a glinting knife.
Danger lurks [s]round[/s] AROUND every corner,
He makes me feel like I'm living in a sauna. AGAIN, DID YOU USE THIS BECAUSE IT RHYMES, IT SEEMS KIND OF OUT OF CONTEXT AND A BIT FORCED REALLY.

Okaaay, this poem has some potential but i think you need to work on a bit to make it perfect. For example, you've made some typos (you should check your work before posting on YWS! I get told this all the time ) Also, i'd take out some of the words that i've pointed out where there's too many syllables, or maybe work out a line scheme just to make it flow a lot better. Some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced, such as corner and sauna, and hair and lair and i'm sure if you thought about a bit more, you could find some brilliant rhymes to put in there instead! The simile was interesting- "Watching his talent is like holding a glinting knife" however, you could've gone on to explain why watching it is like holding a knife because it seemed to end a bit abruptly there and i was wondering, whyyyyy? Same with the sauna bit, why does it feel like your living in a sauna? Go on to explain...

If you work on this more, i think it could be really good and i agree, Pete Doherty has awesome talent but he does a good job at screwing his life up, which is a real shame!


xxxx