For this story I tried to introduce this a little differently from how I normally do. I would be grateful to any suggestions and critics. Thanks!
Sixty grams of sulfur, one-hundred and fifty grams of mercury, seventy-five grams of krypton, and finally 200 grams of Flerovium. Thus the world's greatest mistake was created, eons ago in the year xxxx. The world suffered no damage in fact all the structures of the world survived that incident and the world almost had a newborn quality to it with all the structures still standing. However, the creatures that lived on it weren't so lucky, everything died except for the creatures that were about to be born. How did they survive? We will probably never know, though miracles can happen. Whether that miracle is good or bad is another thing entirely.
That year many species died out, however some quickly adapted to the changes and learned to survive in the "new world". Today we learned that all creatures that survived the "Cataclysmic Year", including us humans, have a special nictitating membrane. Which is a translucent third eyelid, it was often used by owls to clean the eyes of debris. To survive in this world though we need to have it constantly closed to be able to protect our eyes from what was caused all those years ago.
Although the world "re-birthed" it had caused a caused a shock-wave killing almost all life, aside from plants, and also caused some sort of blue substance, normally not seen, in the world to appear. Today it is known as element 217, or Fizar. The third eyelid protects us from this substance for if it touches our eyes it would certainly mean death, except in extremely rare cases. Other than that we do not know much about this mysterious element, so we close our special eyelids, and when doing so we can no longer see the Fizar. It exists but it does not, it is there but we cannot touch it.
Since all the structures from the "old world" survived we have access to all it's history and knowledge. We learned all the past knowledge and about how the world struggled but they eventually created one peaceful nation. Then one day they got too curious with a new discovery and the world changed forevermore. In the year 201568, we started to make some huge advancements and more time has passed since than. Yet we still cannot understand Fizar, its properties elude us. There are some creatures today that know how to use this substance, but we cannot capture them as they are all very destructive or have some weird qualities about them. So we continue to research this Fizar in our own way but...
"God what a boring book! Why do we care so much about something we can't look at without dying? Also I'd like to see any animal stand up to laser beam! Stupid school, stupid town, stupid government, they aren't keeping anyone safe by keeping us in restricted parts of the world! If there was any such dangerous beasts they could break the force-fields that protects us! Sigh it's so boring here nothing exciting never happens." I pouted loudly to myself, after almost finishing tonight's history assignment. I fixed my old-fashioned 19th century aviator goggles around my face, messing up my hear in the process.
I pressed a button on my desk and a mirror came out of my wall in front of where I was sitting. Then I took a look in the mirror, my semi-long but not too long pitch black hair stuck up in a mess. I left it alone seeing as I usually just sport my bed hair anyway. Then I looked at my goggles, I hated having to wear these things constantly, having been born without any fancy eyelids I have to wear these constantly. They said it was a miracle that I lived, however my mother died giving birth to me... Well at least I can keep my goggles up with the latest trends so I don't look bad.
Lately everyone has been wearing old style clothing, as in the "old world" clothing and the clothes where considered old even for them! I stood up and had the mirror follow so I could fully see myself in the mirror. I really liked my old greaser look, jeans hanging a little low with a chain connected to the pocket, a belt, a pair of black and white converses and a white undershirt tucked into my jeans. The only thing i was missing was the sun glasses, and the greased back hair which I can't do because of my goggles, and I also like my messy bed hair.
"Kai! We made dinner would you like to come over?" I heard my neighbor talk to me through the intercom system from the hallway to my room. I lived alone in a apartment complex because I had no other family. My neighbors, the Lilac's pretty much raised me, and they always help me out. They are really the only people I can stand here, I'm really grateful to all they do for me. Also just in case we have each other registered in the security panels for each others house.
"Okay thanks! I'll be over in just a moment!" I shouted back. I turned my book off, and the projection of the words disappeared, and I put it back on the bookshelf. Next I hit the button again to return the mirror to its original spot. Man how did people back then live without things like this, not only is it more convenient and time saving, but everything has more features than it used to. After I put the book and mirror away, I grabbed my jean jacket and headed out.
Hey gluaxspeed
I hope you're enjoying YWS! Remember to have a look around at other people's work and maybe help them out too. I'm sure they'd love you for it!
In general I like this idea. You've obviously thought a lot about it and have a lot of in-depth history, which is really cool and interesting.
I was a little worried at the beginning because I was like 'Oh god...that's just a massive info dump trying to be a prologue' and I expected that info dump to continue for the entire post but then you switched to the idea of it being a history book. I really quite liked that but I think you need to make it even more effective. Perhaps go back and tweak that beginning bit, make it seem more like it could be found in a text book because even though the twist of narrative style is good...it still doesn't change the fact that you did a massive info dump right at the beginning of your story. Try to think of ways you can change it up and make it more interesting for the reader. Also maybe think about holding back a little bit of information or cutting it a little shorter. I mean I don't know how this story is going to unfold but I always enjoy it when an author holds some information back from me and then litters it throughout the rest of the story.
Just felt the need to point this out but you used the typical first person 'I shall describe how the character looks by making them look in the mirror!' I mean sometimes you can pull it off but most experienced readers will probably just roll their eyes. It's not particularly bad here but I mostly would warn against it. Try to drop the description of your character throughout the story so the reader might not even notice it or pick up on it subconsciously like 'I scuffed my white converse on the floor, waiting for my friend.' or 'I stood, adjusting my baggy jeans so the chain didn't get in my way as I walked.' That way you're putting the description in with some action so it's not all just told to the reader in one massive chunk.
One last thing - the year 201568...was that a mistake or your intention? Because that is ridiculously far in the future. The story doesn't need to be THAT far in the future to work.
But like I said, I'm really enjoying the setting and concept of this story. I want to know where it's going to go so I hope you continue to post!
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex
x
Hey, you finally posted something!
This part seems a little odd. I mean, I think I understand your reasoning, but it still seems like it would be better if there were an actual year there.
First off, well-played with the twist there, haha. I was actually preparing my speech about not using info-dumps when Kai commented how boring the book was. You gain instant writer-points for having your character voice the exact thing I was thinking.
That said, the opening is still an info-dump, and it's not really structured like an actual history book; the information is too clumped together and it jumps between subjects rather haphazardly.
In general, there were many errors with grammar and punctuation, and a few with spelling.
This paragraph, for example. Green marks show what needs to be added. Red marks show what needs to be removed. Blue marks are my comments.
That's just an example. Also watch out for run-on sentences, as there were a few of those. The story flow is also a bit choppy...try reading the story out loud, and see how it sounds to your ear. That's the method I use; if it doesn't sound natural and smooth to me, I rewrite until it does.
Story-wise, this is interesting. Futuristic worlds torn by chemical warfare are nothing new, but the way you've handled it certainly is. The development of the eyelids is intriguing, as is Fizar. I am still conflicted on your use of the history book in the beginning; I like your intention, and I'm not going to ask you to remove it, but may I suggest maybe cutting down on the info a little? We readers like to be fed measured bits of information at a time, so that we're not overwhelmed with it all, but we still want to know more. Giving it all away in the first few paragraphs kind of spoils it.
That being said, I do enjoy a good futuristic steampunk tale, so I'm interested to see where you go with it. Let me know when you continue this?
Hope this helped, and if you have any questions or comments, please let me know.
Happy writing!
Okay I'll watch out for those things for now on and try those tips! I'll read through it aloud and look out for my other mistakes and try to condense it as well. Thanks for the review!