Published January 1, 2012
Its a new year. A new time to forget you. You linger to me as if you were a part of me. You were my everything, now I have nothing. No meaning. No life. No exitement. No love. Where are you when I need you the most. 2012 might be the year I move on. But it sure feels like I'm going to fall apart. I want you...... I [u]need[u] you.
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141,422 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hi Gloss! I'm Drama and I'm here to review!
Wow.. This is... interesting... I notice right off that this isn't formatted like a normal poem would be. So let's fix that, shall we?
Okay, this was a nice poem. I suppose. I wasn't really a big fan of it myself, but ya know, that's just me. There were no lines that popped out at me like TA DA I'M HERE AND I'M AWESOME. I like lines like that. You have to want your lines to make an impact. Make the reader think. Make the reader feel. And even make the reader cry! I want to feel emotion! So inject some. Cause right now, I can see a kid with a really depressed look reading it in monotone. You need to have some 'remember whens' and 'I don't know what went wrongs' sort of thing. I'm not saying this poem is bad. I'm just saying it could use a lot of work. Like Rosey said above, you need some poetic devices to make it leave a lasting impression on anyone. Make the reader want to read it AGAIN.
There weren't that many grammar mistakes (only two by the looks of things) so kudos! One less thing to worry about when you're writing! Don't forget though, spellcheck is a must! Misspelling a word is a minor thing, but it really jumps out when the rest of the grammar is so good. Just remember that little button before you start to post.
Good luck and happy poems!
~Drama
Hey gloss!
I definitely agree with Rosey that you've got the outline of a poem here, but it feels quite unfinished. First of all, how about seperating this poem out into different lines and stanzas?
This is just a rough example -- if you decided to do this, you'd need to put a little more time into it.
Also, I noticed a couple of small grammar mistakes. I thought I'd point them out so you can see what they are:
This should be "It's a new year."
I'd add a question mark at the end of this.
Also, there is one spelling mistake. You wrote "exitement" when it should be "excitement". How about copy and pasting your work into a word document or a similar program which you can use spell check on? That's a good way to quickly correct any unnoticed spelling mistakes.
Overall, the concept you've got here isn't too bad, but I think you need to put a little more time into making it an actual poem. Try and always split it into lines and stanzas, use poetic devices to make it a little more interesting -- just experiment with different forms to see what works best for you. Try and create images in poetry, too -- the best poetry I've read has created quite vivid images in my mind. It can be a little trickier to do when writing in second person, but it's still possible.
~MorningMist~
Hi!
You've either got the outline of a poem here, or an unfinished prose-poem here. Either way, this feels rather incomplete.
You have a good concept here, and I rather like the line "a new time to forget you." However, if falls just a bit flat once you get to "you were my everything." That line, followed by pretty much every line after, reads as just a list. Lists do not good poetry make, because they get boring after awhile.
They're also very telly. One thing I enjoy in poetry is a simple poem with many meanings/interpretations, or a complex poem that lets me feel everything the poet wants me to feel, while still letting me fill in the blanks.
I'd try both styles for this. You can make it more complex by using poetic devices. For making this a simple poem with multiple meanings, cut the lists and try to come up with your meaning in as few words as possible. Consider making the poem more like a poem, with shorter lines and stanzas (read other poems on the site to see what I'm talking about, or look up some already-published poets.)
Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey