Published March 17, 2011
OHAII THERE! Im Twix, this is my first short story, I wasn't so sure what the age boundaries were all about, so I thought id play it safe and put it as 18+ 
What was that loud thudding...That humongous annoying thudding? I soon realized the repetitious thudding was in fact the gang calling on me. Running top speed down the stairs I tied my dressing gown the best I could. Wrenching the door open I saw kayleigh fall back a few steps. She stood up with an anxious glance at me and the gang who had massive smirks on their faces'
"jeez, who woke you up at the wrong side of the best this morning?" She muttered in her harsh Spanish accent.
"when in actual fact, she ment to say; who got you up on the wrong side of the bed, well, this afternoon really. Haha" Chris, the gay scholarship of our group corrected her absent-mindely, I decided to intervene before the bickering started.
"Actually, you guys just woke me up, at, 3 pm, in the summer holiday, so you'd better have a good excuse for this monstrosity"
"OOOOOH we do! We need to borrow your basement" Said this random emo guy that Greg hangs around with.
With a wink, Greg opened his bag and pulled out a large freezer bag, full to the brim with weed, whilst everyone else pulled out bottles of vodka and cider out of their bags. My shitty mood evaporated instantly, in its replace, a very happy- ready for fun mood washed over me.
"Well. my parents left me home alone whilst they went on a two week cruise. SO LETS GO GET FUCKING WRECKED!"
Cheers erupted all around me whilst I went and threw on some shorts and a vest top. Looking out of the window for the first time, I saw a clear blue sky and birds chirping, then I noticed it was starting to get real warm. "SUMMER!!!" I shouted.
*** 4 HOURS LATER***
"I FEEL AMAZING" The emo kid, who I now knew was called lewis, said with a smile.
"me too. We should do this more." I said leaning onto his surprisingly cool side,
"dont you get hot with all that black leather, and. emo shit on?" I murmurer into his side.
"haha not really, I guess im fine where I am" He says wrapping his leather clad arm around me, at this point, I know I should have moved. my boyfriend wouldn't like it, but its not as if I was into lewis- the faggy emo guys aren't exsactly my type. but, I was too fucked to move, and, like he said, I was fine where I was.
"hey.." He bent down and whisperd in my ear, I tilted my head back to reply, and he kissed me. I would have moved away. I could have easily moved away, but, it was so soft, so tender, I just couldn't brake it... Boy friend or no boy friend.
part two on the way 
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141,445 Literary Works • 674,456 Reviews
Good morning/afternoon/evening!
Hmm... weird... I was sort of expecting a deep, romantic plot type thing when I read the title... and, I have to admit, I'm a tad dissapointed... I was looking forward to a good, stupid, romantic short story (no offense intended there, I write stupid romantic short stories all the time XD)
But like I was saying...
After reading your peice, I'm sort of confused... I lost track of which person was which... If I had gone back and re-read certain parts, I'm sure things would be clarified for me, however, with that being said, I shouldn't have to re-read anything, you know?
Your grammar did need cleaning up, but I see theotherone already cleaned it up for you...
If was rating this, I would give it 16+, not 18+, but it's always good to guess high...
Hope this helped!
--
Tabby
More?
-jac
Yes, I have a good plot coming, kind of like a gossip girl sabotage xD haha, this bit was just a lead on.
it needed to be done right? x
Also, Im dyslexic, so I struggle with a lot of grammar :L i love writing but its also one of my bad points.
Nope, you weren't too harsh
Hello there.
So red for corrections and bold for comments. If there's a sentence in blue, it means there's a comment coming up about this at the end of the paragraph.
I'll quote the whole thing so I can comment and show grammatical mistakes at the same time.
I'm not sure if these were all typos, but you should definitely proofread your story before posting it on YWS. This was bad, grammatically talking. When someone reads something that has a lot of mistake, normally, they will focus so much on them that they will not read carefully the story itself. So basically, it takes away from your piece. I have to admit that I didn't concentrate as much as I would've. So, read it out loud to yourself a little while after you've written it. This will probably catch the run-on sentences and a few typos you've made. Because when you read something you've written, a lot of times, your brain will play tricks on your eyes and they will see the words how you intended to be, not the way it actually is written. So, when you read out loud, you actually pronounce the words and read them, and that's when you will see your mistakes. Also, you can always ask for a friend or a family member to read you over. They will also catch those mistakes quiet easily.
Now, for the plot. I have to say that this didn't go very far. I see you have another part you're writing. Good, because teenagers getting drunk and high is not that good a plot.
Keep writing! And you can PM/ write on my wall when the second part is posted.
-Other One