a well thought out story but small glitches here and there but overall i would give a 8.5 ...
Best of luck
Hi im sophia, i'm 17 years old, and i have leucemia.Anyway mom died when i was 10 and my dad.... well I'm as clueles as you are right now.... i don't know anything. I live with Lily and her family,Lily is my mom's sister.I don't like them but i don't have anybody else. "SOPHIA!! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!!" Lily yells from down stairs.I run down stairs wondering what did I do wrong this time. "What!" i responde with a none caring look on my face. I see a cop standing next to Lily.. ha not a surprise. "What did i do officer?" i said with a grin on my face. The cop ignored my question and turned around to face Lily. "Your daughter has been caught shop lifft" i inturrupted him. "SHE"S NOT MY MOTHER!." i saw the cop flinch. I run up stairs and close the door behind me. I heard that the cop andLily kept talking but i seriously didn't care. Minutes later Lily comes into my room. " WHO ARE YOU!! please tell me because i don't know anymore!" She said looking at me, she was on the edge of tears. "Look!!! I'm dying anyway, if i do something wrong and they take me to jail, its not like i'm going to be there for too long." i said changing into my shorts. " If you take the chemotherapy, you'll" she said with tears coming down her cheeks. "I'll leave a little bit longer, but it's going to happen and you know it L, It's going to happen." i said putting my jacket on. Lily's face was drowning in sadness. "Your mom would be so disaponted if she heard your words right now."she said looking at me like i was a monster with no heart. It might be true. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MOTHER WOULD"VE DONE!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY MOTHER WOULD HAVEFELT LIKE!!. SO STOPACTING LIKE YOUKNOW HER 'CAUSE YOU DON'T.YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON WHY MY MOM DIED. GOD YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH."She looked terrifyed, but i don't feel guilty, that's just the truth. I take my phone and head for the door. "Where are you going?" Lily asked cleaning her tears from her face. "OUT!" i responded.
I walk and walk and walk,don't know where to but ijust want to be far from everybody!! I know in the inside i'm treating everyone with a bad attitude, but that's what i should do. To tell you the truth i do it because if i treat everyone very badly and everyone hates me when i die nobody will get hurt.
................................................And also, i'm scared, i'm scared of dying. I'm terrifyed!and nobody can save me, from my own fate.
a well thought out story but small glitches here and there but overall i would give a 8.5 ...
Best of luck
Alright then, lets get to work on this one with some constructive criticism. To be frank, this is very difficult to read. Formatting is practically non-existent. Simply for the sake of the reader's eyes, please make an attempt at adding sentence and paragraph breaks. Also by way of formatting but more on the grammatical side, you need to learn how to properly write when one of your characters in speaking. It should be a paragraph on its own with proper punctuation.
EXAMPLE:
"If you take the chemotherapy, you'll..." she said with tears coming down her cheeks.
"I'll leave a little bit longer, but it's going to happen and you know it, L. It's going to happen," I said while putting on my jacket.
END EXAMPLE:
This is a potentially emotional piece with the right TLC. An effort needs to be made on your part to even out some rather jagged edges. Your character's voice should reflect what you claim her to be: a seventeen-year-old with a chronic disease. This sounds like an eleven-year-old child at best. Voice and tone are very important, especially when attempting drama.
I hope you take from this review what you need to get this piece off the ground.
Good luck in your writing endeavors,
R. Campbell
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