Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Okay overall this seems like a bit of a monologue by someone who is going through some pretty harsh emotional turmoil. Doesn't really have a plot here but that's not a big deal. Overall I think it's pretty good, the flow was good, the emotions were shone very well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There’s this thing about the past. It always catches up with you, nomather what. You may think you forgot it, you may think you have no more strong feelings about what happened and you probably think that since the taste isn’t lingering in your mouth anymore, everything that happened is forgotten.

That should be no matter. Other than that this is a pretty good and rather catchy opening that you have here.

Well, you are dead wrong. The past will never be forgotten, and if things were left unsaid, and truths untold, it will hunt you down.

That’s what I learned today, and it wasn’t a fun lesson to learn.[/qupte]

Well that is certainly very interesting. Builds a lot of good tension. Also its true.

I didn’t like that jump my stomach made when I saw him, because it proves to me that he’s not buried in my memory like he should be. Because that twisted butterfly feeling told me he’s not buried at all, or forgotten, like I thought. Maybe he was just hiding, just out of my eyesight, and just when I thought he was gone, he popped up, reminding me of his existence again. Before today, when I looked back which I didn’t do very often, it all seemed to me like a blur. But now I realize that I was the one who sponged it, because now that he’s back I remember everything that happened clearly, and my feelings are right there, guilt, passion, with a bitter hint of loneliness.

That's a pretty decent depiction of these emotions here.

I thought that night was forgotten, buried in my mind. Today made clear that it wasn’t. I could see it all happening again, I could even feel the lust again. But what I felt the most was guilt, the sense of betrayal. Because my past is the last thing Bryan deserves. Bryan is my boyfriend, and we have been dating for a few years, and he knows me like no other, but he doesn’t know about this dark part of my past. Dave was gone and forgotten, or at least that’s what I thought. He was gone but he’s back, and he was forgotten, but now he’s been remembered.

He's back.

Well that definitely does not sound like it will lead to good things. So a nice bit of a monologue here. I think its done pretty well and we get a decent sense of what is going on inside the protagonists head.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a really good story. It drags you in from the start and gives a fairly clear picture of what is going on. I don't have any places to really point out as requiring a fix. So great job!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

It always catches up with you, nomather what.

Bit of a typo, I presume. As it is, it sounds like our narrator is missing two front teeth.

Well, you are dead wrong.

Allow this line to stand by itself to make it hit harder. Otherwise it is read in a lacking tone.

I didn’t like that jump my stomach made when I saw him, because it proves to me that he’s not buried in my memory like he should be.

I don't like this sentence, particularly because of the word "made". Consider your word choice there. Possibly consider re-writing this sentence entirely.

Before today, when I looked back, which I didn’t do very often, it all seemed to me like a blur.

Must have a comma there or the sentence doesn't read right.

Because my past is the last thing Bryan deserves. Bryan is my boyfriend, and we have been dating for a few years, and he knows me like no other, but he doesn’t know about this dark part of my past. Dave was gone and forgotten, or at least that’s what I thought. He was gone but he’s back, and he was forgotten, but now he’s been remembered.

With the fresh mention of Bryan, I was confused as to who we were talking about prior to this. You'll need to be clear and differentiate Dave and Bryan in this.

I really liked the end line. Kind of creep and it leads on into anything else you'll be offering. As for the rest of the piece, it's foggy. I think you could work on verbing and word choices entirely. If this played on the radio, it would not catch my attention because of the wording.

As always,

Miss POKE