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Mannequins (1)

by girlwiththelaptop


INT. HOSPITAL OPERATION ROOM, CALIFORNIA- 11:54 PM

The walls are white and three NURSES and a DOCTOR, all dressed in white, stand around a metal table. A single light bulb on a cord dangles over the table where a twenty-nine year old WOMAN thrashes wildly against the braces that hold her to the metal table. There is nothing in the room but this metal table, a giant clock on the south wall, the light, the WOMAN, the three NURSES and the DOCTOR.

WOMAN ON THE TABLE

(crying and pleading)

Please don’t do this! Please! I’ll do anything! Please just let me go.

NURSE 1

(eerily)

You know we can’t do that.

NURSE 2

(impatiently)

Cara, hurry up! The patient is being difficult.

The woman begins to thrash even more wildly now but it is useless against the restraints. CARA-the fourth nurse- enters the room with a cart consisting of a tube, a drill-like tool, a scalpel, surgical scissors, a small glass jar, a large glass jar and a syringe. It is CARA’s fifth day on the job and while she is training she is in charge of bringing in and taking out materials, keeping them clean, and doing inventory on “the youth supply”. This is CARA’s final day of training and she is witnessing her first “renaissance.”

DOCTOR

(flatly)

Inject the patient, it’s almost midnight.

NURSE 3 slowly takes the syringe off the cart and flicks the needle. She walks over to the WOMAN on the table and smiles kindly at her then seizes the WOMAN’s face aggressively and shoves it violently to the left gaining more access to the right side of the WOMAN’s neck then plunges the needle in without warning. The WOMAN on the table lets out a bloodcurdling scream then falls silent and her body goes limp with the exception of her eyes which are still desperately flickering about the room and producing tears.

DOCTOR

(didactically)

Remember Cara, always do it on the right side. It’s further from the heart and we want to try to get as little of the medicine in the heart as possible.

CARA

(nods)

Yes doctor.

NURSE 2

(to Cara)

And don’t forget, the medicine doesn’t kill or sedate the patient. It simply immobilizes them. We prefer that the patient has as little medicine or chemical in their bloodstream as possible. It makes the purifying process a lot faster and we’ve found that the new-life is usually more beautiful if the patient’s alive when we take the heart out than it is if the patient’s dead.

CARA smiles and nods graciously at the information. NURSE 1 looks up at the clock and patiently waits for the clock to strike midnight. Once it does she nods once to herself and directs her gaze to the doctor.

NURSE 1

(eerily)

Midnight doctor.

DOCTOR takes the drill tool and drills a small hole in the WOMAN’s neck where NURSE 3 had injected her. NURSE 2 takes the tube off the cart and as DOCTOR quickly pulls away the drill, NURSE 2 inserts the tube and the blood funnels through the tube into the large jar which NURSE 3 has opened. As NURSE 2 and NURSE 3 work together to remove the blood, DOCTOR and NURSE 1 use the scalpel and surgical scissors to break the WOMAN’s breastbone and get into her thoracic cavity. The camera pans away from the WOMAN and we are no longer able to see what is being done. We can only hear the sickening sounds of hacking and gushing.

DOCTOR

(hands in the thoracic cavity)

Now this is where we need to work fast, for optimum results we prefer not to let the patient die before we take the heart out. If it happens, it’s not a huge concern, we use dead hearts all the time but the living ones make for a much more beautiful new life.

DOCTOR removes the heart and the WOMAN’s eyes stop searching the room. NURSE 1 takes the heart and places it gently into the small jar. Phase one of the renaissance is complete.

DOCTOR

We’re finished here. Nurses, teach Cara the proper way to discard the remains and get the room cleaned up. Good work tonight ladies.

The NURSES and CARA lift the WOMAN’s body onto the top shelf of the cart and put the dirty tools on the bottom then wheel her out of the room.

CUT TO:

EXT. LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA-12:00PM

Seventeen year old ARIA is lying down on a beach towel in the sand. There are a bunch of young girls in bikinis frolicking on the beach. A group of three guys ranging from eighteen to twenty-three are standing next to an ice cream stand, laughing and watching all the girls that pass by. CARTER, the youngest of the three approaches ARIA and smiles.

CARTER

(smiling and sitting down next to her)

You’re my kind.

ARIA

(snorting)

You’re not mine.

CARTER

(looks at her surprised)

What do you mean?

ARIA

(irritated)

I mean I don’t want to hang out with you. You have no clue who I am, just go away.

CARTER

(laughs)

What do you mean I have no clue who you are? That doesn’t matter, you’re all the same anyhow. I just look for the ones with dark hair and light eyes.

ARIA

Do you even hear yourself?

CARTER

(confused)

Of course I hear myself. What do you mean? Why are you so weird?

ARIA

I’m not weird, I just don’t like you.

CARTER hesitates but does not leave ARIA’s side. ARIA rolls over onto her back trying to ignore CARTER but he does not take the hint. CARTER lies down next to her and as he does, he realizes she has a small pimple on her back.

CARTER

(pointing disgustedly at the blemish)

What on earth is that?

ARIA panics and quickly wraps herself in her towel to hide the blemish. CARTER looks at her in wonder before ripping the towel off of her.

CARTER

What is that? What is on your back?

ARIA

(panicky)

It’s nothing, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

CARTER

(brief pause, then eyes widen)

You’re one of them aren’t you?

ARIA

(defensively)

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

CARTER

Yes you do! That’s why you’re so weird. You’re a natural born!

ARIA

Shut up! No I’m not.

CARTER

Yes you are! You have a blemish! I’ve never met a natural before. I have a cousin that lives out in Washington. He broke out of here when I was three; he says there are lots of naturals outside of California. Says they’re way prettier than the girls here. I’ve never met one in person though. You don’t look that much different except for that nasty thing on your back. And you’re kind of rude.

ARIA

I’m rude?

CARTER

How did you get here? Where are you from? There are no naturals here in California, women don’t bear children. I heard it’s because when women have children they get fat and unattractive, I wouldn’t know, I’ve never met a pregnant woman either.

ARIA

Do you ever stop talking?

CARTER

Seriously? Where did you come from? You must’ve been born. Who’s your breeder?

ARIA

First of all, it’s called a mother. When they give birth to you, they are your mother and father, not your breeders! Second, can’t you talk any quieter? If anyone finds out, they’ll have me killed!

CARTER

(whispers)

Sorry.

(pause)

(in a soft speaking voice)

So where is your mother then? How’d this happen?

ARIA

(sarcastically)

Well when a mommy and daddy really love each other…

CARTER

I know how babies used to be made. Thank gosh babies don’t happen that way anymore. That would ruin the fun.(pause) What I don’t understand is how your mother was able to get pregnant. Women don’t have those little egg things anymore.

ARIA

Those little egg things? I can’t wait until I get out of California.

CARTER

You’re planning on leaving California? I’ve been trying to get out for years! Everybody thinks I’m crazy when I say that though. Most people love it here, except for the women on their twenty-ninth birthdays. Anyways, your mother, how did she have you? Is she a natural too? Are you from like a long line of naturals?

ARIA

You actually want to get out? You’re the only person I’ve ever heard say that. Then again, I usually stay at home with my family and try to hide from everyone. You’re the first mannequin outside of my family I’ve actually had a conversation with. As for my mother, I’m not really sure what happened. All I know is that there was some sort of malfunction in her creation and she wound up with me.

CARTER

So if your mother is normal like the rest of the women here, with the exception of giving birth to you of course, then why are you so different? I mean you look normal but you act weird and you get pimples.

ARIA

(rolls eyes)

I’m not weird! The girls here are robots with manufactured brains and bodies. The only thing real about them is their hearts and even that’s been mutated and manipulated. I don’t understand why women are only allowed to live until thirty, but their hearts can be recycled for decades.

CARTER

What’s wrong with that? Besides, you talk like only women are created. Men are too, it’s a lot more civilized than falling out of someone, no offense.

ARIA

I didn’t fall out of anyone. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. All you know is what you’ve read in books and seen in old movies. And maybe men are created too but men can live out their entire lives, they don’t get harvested when they’re thirty and they still have all the same things they used to, with the exception of pimples and body odor. There’s no weight or height limit and they get to do things like walk up to random girls on beaches and say things like “you’re my kind”.

CARTER

Are all naturals this weird or is it just you?

ARIA

You know what? This is pointless! You’re just like them, you belong here! I don’t!

CARTER

These must be the mood swings I’ve heard so much about. I’m glad that got fixed!

ARIA

(gets up and shakes off her towel)

I’ve spent enough time with mannequins for one day.

ARIA turns and begins to walk away but then turns back around to face CARTER.

ARIA

What did you say your name was?

CARTER

I never said it was anything. It’s Carter Hansen.

ARIA

Okay Carter, just remember to keep this little conversation to yourself. If anyone finds out about me, just know that I know your name, I know your face, and I can easily find you because unlike the robots here, I have a real brain and I will destroy you.

ARIA turns again then storms off leaving CARTER behind.

CARTER

(softly to himself)

I never got her name.

CUT TO:

INT. CARTER’S ROOM-11:30PM

We see CARTER sitting on the ground in front of his bed. The lights are on and his bedroom is extravagantly decorated with expensive artworks and decorative furniture that doesn’t seem to fit his personality. Aside from the books spread out on the ground around him, every object in the room has a place and is placed there precisely in resemblance to a museum. He is surrounded by old books about the human race and grabs one titled “The Cleansing”. He flips the book open and begins to read parts of it aloud to himself.

CARTER

(reading)

The Cleansing began on January first in the year 2014 in Los Angeles, California. A team of plastic surgeons came up with the idea of developing an entirely different body and somehow, safely transferring all the internal organs into that new body as opposed to performing multiple cosmetic surgeries. This idea failed but what they found was that through a chemical process referred to as “the renaissance, as long as they had a heart to contribute, they could create an entirely new human being. The realization that the human race could be crafted to perfection caught on all over the United States and a revolution began. Women who were considered unattractive by society’s standards or over the age of thirty were injected, and reaped of their hearts for the creation of new human beings which were referred to as newlifes as opposed to newborns due to the fact that they weren’t exactly born. In 2016, the cleansing ended but thankfully, at this point mannequins (full grown newlifes) had far outnumbered the natural borns.

CARTER flips ahead a few pages and continues reading.

CARTER

(reading)

In most states, newlifes do exist as lower class citizens but in more superior states such as California, New York, Hawaii and Florida, a set of laws called The Beauty Code Act of 2018. A copy of The Beauty Code Acts for California is depicted on page 184.

CARTER flips to page 184 and continues reading aloud.

CARTER

(reading)

1)      All residents of California must either be mannequins or meet mannequin requirements

2)      Men and women must be void of all body odor and blemishes including but not limited to moles, acne, rashes, skin tags, warts or growths of any sort.

3)      Men and women must have naturally straight and white teeth-no braces or retainers

4)      All women are to be reaped of their hearts at exactly midnight of their thirtieth birthdays in order to donate to and maintain the youth supply

5)      Women are not to bear children. If a resident is in want of a child, they must meet all the requirements of the beauty code acts, request a child from the hospital and only then may they work with the doctors to create a child with an appearance to their liking as well as to the standards of the beauty code acts.

6)      Women are not to be taller than 5’7” or shorter than 5’4”

7)      Women are not to weigh more than 115 lbs

8)      Women are not to have hips larger than 26 inches.

9)      Women are not to have a bust smaller than a 32B or larger than 32D

10)   Women are not to have larger than size 6 feet.

11)   Women should not need a ring band larger than size seven

CARTER closes the book without reading all the laws and puts it on a bookshelf next his bed.

CARTER

(disappointedly to himself)

I already knew all of that.

CARTER picks up all the rest of the books on the floor and places them back in their color coded spots. He undresses down to his boxer shorts then turns the lights off and goes to bed.

CUT TO:

INT. ARIA’S FAMILY DINING ROOM- 7:30 AM

We see ARIA and her father BOB sitting at an unreasonably enormous kitchen table. The kitchen is overly extravagant much like the rest of their house which is much too big for just the two of them to live in. There is a crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling and ARIA is eating sugary cereal off of a real silver spoon from a glass bowl with a gold plated rim. BOB is eating off of fine china. His plate consists of enough scrambled eggs, bacon and toast to feed an army. ARIA takes a bite of her cereal and swallows it. We can see that she is agitated about something.

ARIA

(still chewing)

We really need to get rid of this big stupid table.

(pause)

Actually, you know what we need to do? We need to move to an entirely different house. This house is so huge and impersonal.

BOB

(amused)

So you’re saying you want to live in a hut like they do in Wisconsin or Kentucky?

ARIA

(rolling her eyes)

They don’t live in huts dad. They live in houses, houses that are the appropriate size for their families, not huge ass mansions where your voice echoes when you talk.

BOB

Watch your mouth. Ladies don’t curse, you know that!

ARIA

Yeah, ladies also don’t shower here, or shave, or wash their hair, or brush their teeth, or poop, or get their periods, or get pimples, or get ---

BOB

(sternly)

Aria Marie, watch it! If you keep ranting and carrying on like some sort kind of crazy woman, they’ll have you killed.

ARIA

(huffs)

Sometimes I wish they would.

BOB

Aria, don’t you dare talk like that. God wanted you here.

ARIA

(laughs incredulously)

God? What’s he got to do anything? He didn’t make any of the people in this state. Doctors and nurses in white coats created them. In fact, I doubt God even made me! I was a product of a malfunction, it’s that simple.

BOB

(calmly)

I know it’s hard for you being so different here but you also need to see the positives in life. Your mother and I worked hard to raise you. We could have easily turned you over to the government but we didn’t, because no matter how hard it would be, you were our daughter and we wanted you. Your mother was blessed enough to have you. I noticed you’ve been losing faith ever since she died. Don’t let that get to you. She would want you to stay faithful.

ARIA

(still angry)

My mother didn’t die, she was killed.

BOB

Aria…

ARIA’S eyes begin to water. She shifts uncomfortably in the giant cushioned throne of a chair but she does not cry.

ARIA

Whatever. I’m done with this conversation.

BOB

Are you okay sweetie?

ARIA

(angrily)

I SAID I’M DONE! Let’s change the subject.

There is a moment of awkward silence as BOB gets up to put his dishes away. He grabs a mug from the cabinet, places it under the coffee machine, watches it fill, takes the mug and sits back down at the table.

ARIA

(humbly)

I’m sorry dad.

BOB remains silent and upset for a moment then sighs and takes a drink of his coffee.

BOB

It’s fine. I forget sometimes that you’re not like everyone else. You’ve got a strong mind and a mouth to match. You aren’t just gonna sit and nod when I tell you things.

(pause)

Let’s talk about something else. Did you go to the beach like you’d planned to yesterday?

ARIA

(excitedly)

Yeah I can’t believe I forgot to tell you! I met a boy there, he was trying to ask me out and stuff but, he saw this zit on my back and we started talking and---

BOB

(Suppresses a laugh)

Wait a minute. Are you meaning to tell me you and this boy struck up a conversation over a zit on your back? That’s disgusting, I’m not sure I like this boy.

ARIA

(frustrated)

DAD! You’re missing the point!

BOB

(laughing)

I’m sorry sweetie. Please explain the importance of your zit and the role it played in---

(pause)

(eyes widen)

Oh my God! A zit! I forgot not everybody knows you get those! What’d you say to him? How’d you get him to stop asking about it?

ARIA

I didn’t say anything. He guessed the truth and guess what else? He wants to leave California too!

BOB stares at ARIA with an eyebrow raised. He shakes his head and swallows the last of his coffee as if he were taking a shot.

BOB

(angrily)

ARIA MARIE! You don’t even know this boy! He could be dangerous.

ARIA

(in a high pitched girly voice)

Daddy relax. His name is Carter Hansen in case you want to go all secret agent spy on him but I don’t think he’s so bad. Besides, it’s not like I’ll ever meet him again and even if I do, he doesn’t know my name. Plus he likes me, remember? He was trying to ask me out. I can use that to my advantage. You know I could outsmart him!

BOB

Did he ask you out before or after he saw the zit on your back? And what do you mean use that to your advantage?

ARIA

After…but it’s fine.

BOB

No it’s not fine! And I don’t want you talking to him!

ARIA

Alright dad.

ARIA gets up from the table and begins walking out of the room.

BOB

Hey where are you going? And what did you mean use that to your advantage?

ARIA

To shower. Us natural girls still have to do primitive things like that in order to smell decent. Unfortunately we aren’t just built stink resistant.

BOB

Okay but what do you mean use that to your advantage?

ARIA

(sweetly)

Bye daddy! Have a good day at work.

ARIA is now out of the room and we see BOB alone at the kitchen table staring at the doorway ARIA had just walked out of.

BOB

(to himself)

Use that to her advantage..

(laughs)

She better not be thinking of using anything to her advantage otherwise I’ll lock her in a tower.

CUT TO:

INT. ARIA’S ROOM. -10:00 AM

ARIA is in her underwear staring at a full length mirror. Her room is much different than the rest of the house. There is clothing all over the floor and her closet is overflowing. Although the room is enormous it is not nearly as eloquently decorated as the rest of the house. There are no expensive artworks, or decorative furniture. ARIA is examining her body in the mirror. She starts first at her feet. She grabs one leg and lifts it up as she hops on the other so she can see the bottom of her foot then does the same with the other. We see that she has calluses on the bottom of her feet. She then goes on to examine her legs. She pinches at her thighs and turns around to examine her backside. She has a few small stretch marks on her butt which peak out of the side of her underwear. She runs her hands over her stomach and she sucks in, holds it there for a while then let’s her stomach return to its normal size. She lifts up her arms and wiggles them like a bird flapping their wings and the jiggle just barely. She does not want to see her body anymore so she walks away from the full length mirror and sits down at her vanity. She brushes her hair into a ponytail and begins applying makeup and as she does so, she notices she has a pimple forming along her hairline.

ARIA

(shouting angrily)

GOD DAMN IT!

ARIA grabs the sheets off her bed and covers her vanity mirror then uses the comforter to cover the full length mirror. There is another mirror hanging above her bed and she catches a glimpse of her reflection. She grabs the hairbrush off her vanity and throws it angrily at the mirror. She is beginning to cry now. She goes to the closet and pulls and grabs at whatever she can get her hands on. She winds up with a pair of denim shorts and a t-shirt. She slips on the shirt and tries to put on the shorts but her stomach is bloated and they won’t button.  She rips off the shorts in frustration and throws them on the ground. She goes to the closet, now in a full blown crying rage and puts on a pair of comfy sweatpants then flings herself on her bed and continues crying.

ARIA

(crying)

Stupid cramps and stupid bloating!! Those dumb mannequin girls get everything so easy.

CUT TO:

EXT. LONG BEACH- 11:00 AM

It’s a cooler day out and there is hardly anyone on the beach. There is a girl with her hair in a ponytail holding her boyfriend’s hand and wearing his sweater as she walked down the beach. Somewhere further up the shore there’s a family of three. The mother is laughing at something the father said and the boy, who is around three years old is eating sand. We see CARTER with the same two boys from the day before. The two older boys are laughing and poking fun at CARTER who is blushing.

CARTER

Ryan, I would expect you to make fun of me but you Austin? You can never keep a girl past the first date.

RYAN

Maybe Austin can’t keep a girl past the first date but you couldn’t even get this girl to show up for the first date.

AUSTIN

Yeah! Your girl was threatening to destroy you before you even took her anywhere.

RYAN

It’s probably for the better. I don’t know what kind of a girl talks like that anyways. She sounds like a malfunction to me.

CARTER

You don’t even know her! She’s not a malfunction. She’s just something different.

RYAN

Hey. Carter. You don’t know her either. Do you even remember her name?

CARTER

Yes! Her name is Aria and she wants to get out of here too.

RYAN

(to Austin)

Hear that? Sounds like they’re making plans to run off together.

AUSTIN

(laughs)

Yeah, too bad she doesn’t know about it.

RYAN

(to Carter)

Send us postcards when you leave pal. I heard there’s tons of naturals outside of Cali. I hope you’re ready to see some real hags.

CARTER

(defensively)

Not all naturals are ugly….at least I don’t think they would be. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t ever met one but they can’t all be ugly because otherwise it wouldn’t be legal for them to live here. It’s legal, they just have to meet the requirements.

RYAN

Which is exactly why none live here. They’re all hags, none of them meet the requirements.

RYAN and AUSTIN laugh and high five each other. CARTER stands awkwardly and tries his hardest to laugh along.

RYAN

What are we even doing here? It’s way too cold to be at the beach.

CARTER

(shivering)

It’s not that cold

AUSTIN

Yeah it is! You’re shivering your balls off. Let’s just leave. There’s no point in being here if we can’t get any girls and the only girls here are taken.

RYAN

(to Austin)

You’re wasting your breath. He’s not going anywhere, he came here looking for Aleah.

CARTER

(blushing)

No I didn’t. And her name is Aria not Aleah.

AUSTIN and RYAN laugh and RYAN punches CARTER playfully in the shoulder.

RYAN

Relax Carter. We’re only screwing around.

AUSTIN

Yeah come on. She’s just some girl. You didn’t even go out with her. You couldn’t even get her number or even her last name. You can’t like her that much so just forget about her.

CARTER

It’s not that I like her so much. I just think she’s interesting. I want to know more about her.

RYAN

Why? She can’t be that interesting. She’s a just some mannequin girl with a face and a name and legs and a body and all that stuff. They’re pretty much all the same.

CARTER

Yeah, the mannequins are all the same.

AUSTIN

Exactly, so let’s not talk about her anymore because this conversation is boring me to death and let’s get away from the beach because I’m getting frost bite.

CARTER

You guys are such babies.

CUT TO:

INT. CARTER’S ROOM-12:30 AM

AUSTIN is sitting in a huge chair in the corner of the room. RYAN is looking through the books on the shelf and CARTER is lying down on his bed.

RYAN

Why do you have so many books about The Cleansing? Do you have a history project or something?

CARTER

Nah, I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately. It’s just crazy to think that I could have been an accident. It used to be so easy for girls to get pregnant back then. I read in one of those books that girls would get raped or they’d just have sex, you know, just fooling around and they’d wind up pregnant. Wouldn’t that be the worst? You shouldn’t be able to have a kid if you don’t want to.

AUSTIN

Yeah I remember reading something about that in Mr. J’s history class a few years back. It’s pretty sad. The Cleansing took care of a lot of problems.

CARTER

I think being born would be kind of cool though maybe.

(pause)

Cool in a weird sort of way.

RYAN

I don’t think so. Sitting in some lady’s stomach for that long? No thanks. Someone told me once that the baby was attached to the mother by the bellybutton and when it was ready to fall out, you had to use a scissors to cut apart their bellybuttons.

CARTER

I don’t believe that for even a second. That’s disgusting.

AUSTIN

I don’t believe it either. I think a lot of the stuff that they said happened before The Cleansing was made up you know? Just to kind of make us respect The Cleansing more or something. Like how they said babies used to eat by sucking milk out of their mother’s boobs. That’d just be messed up. I don’t buy into that.

RYAN

I don’t know. I mean, naturals did a lot of weird things that we wouldn’t because we don’t have to. I believe most of it. I just don’t think they were like weirdo aliens who were attached to each other by bellybuttons and had to be cut apart.

AUSTIN

Do you think they really are ugly? I bet there’s a few pretty ones out there. If there weren’t then they wouldn’t have lived for so long.

CARTER

You talk like they’re all gone. There are lots of them out there. I heard that in states like Nebraska, Alaska, Louisiana, and Kentucky they’re still the majority of the population.

RYAN

(half joking, half serious)

What were those states again? Can you repeat them slower? I want to write them down just in case for some stupid reason I decide to leave California. I’ll put them on a list of places never to go, ever, under any circumstances, at all, whatsoever.

The three of them laugh and RYAN pulls a book off CARTER’S bookshelf. He flips it open to a random page and we see that it’s the page of rules CARTER had been looking at the night before. RYAN takes a moment and skims over some of the rules silently.

RYAN

(while skimming the pages)

You ever thought about how much it would suck being a girl?

CARTER recognizes the book and understands RYAN’s seemingly random question.

CARTER

Not until last night. They have it really hard. I mean they used to have it worse with having babies and all that stuff, but it’s still not easy for them now. They have so many rules and stuff. I’m surprised we don’t have more malfunctions because I think if I were a girl I would probably malfunction and rebel.

AUSTIN

I think it would have sucked to be a girl back before The Cleansing but I’ve got no sympathy for them now. I mean they don’t do much. Yeah, they have all those rules and guidelines and restrictions and this and that but it’s not like they actually do anything. The rules are more for the doctors and nurses because the girls are crafted that way. They naturally meet standards; they really don’t have anything to complain about. The only part I would have a problem with if I was a girl would be the reaping. I’d hate to go before I was ready.

RYAN

Yeah I guess you’re right.

CARTER

Yeah for mannequin girls life is easy but what about the natural borns? It’s pretty much impossible. Just think about it. How could they keep up?

RYAN

They can’t. That’s why they all look like sewer rats.

CARTER

I don’t think they all do.

RYAN

What is your obsession with naturals anyways? You sound like some weirdo history buff. And isn’t history your least favorite subject?

CARTER

It was but it’s interesting if you really think about it.

AUSTIN

I’ve been saying that The Cleansing was a phenomenal, pivotal moment in history for years and you just keep telling me to shut up.

CARTER

Because you start geeking out and using words like “pivotal” and “phenomenal” and it makes Ryan and I want to team up and smack  you until you cry.

RYAN

Yeah, I can’t deny the fact that you do geek out and I’d be lying if I said I don’t think you’re a weirdo and I don’t want to slap you around every time you start talking about it but Carter, you’re turning into a little weirdo too.

AUSTIN

Ryan you’re the weirdest out of all of us!

CARTER

(to Austin)

Actually, I think you are. Ryan’s just an ass.

RYAN

I’ll admit I am an ass.

AUSTIN

You really are.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL, DOCTOR’S OFFICE, LA CALIFORNIA 12:45 AM

DOCTOR and the 3 NURSES are in his office. DOCTOR is in a giant leather wheelie chair behind his metal desk. NURSE 2 and NURSE 3 are standing on either side of him and NURSE 1 is leaning up against the desk. The room is empty except these four people, the desk, a giant clock on the wall and a light bulb dangling from the ceiling.

DOCTOR

Nurse 1, get me Cara

NURSE 1 leaves the room and returns with CARA.

CARA

Yes doctor?

DOCTOR

When we hired you, we told you, you’d most likely never be one of the top nurses. We said you’d get six days of training and from there we would use you as needed. Do you remember this conversation?

CARA

I remember doctor.

DOCTOR

Well there’s been a change of plans. Nurse 1 here, has decided she is in fact ready for retirement. Do you know who takes her place when she goes?

CARA

Well certainly not little old me. I’m basically an intern..

DOCTOR

(laughs humorlessly)

No, most definitely not you. Nurse 2 would fill Nurse 1’s position, meaning Nurse 3 would become nurse 2 and there would be an open 3rd nurse position.

CARA

(nods confused)

Okay.

DOCTOR

This is an important moment. The head nurse has never retired before and normally when a second or third nurse retires, their position is filled by whatever understudy has been here longest. However, seeing as Nurse one has been with us for so long, I’ve decided to let her choose who fills the 3rd position and she has chosen none other than yourself. Now you don’t have to take this position but just know that once you’ve turned it down, you’re not likely to be offered again and Nurse 1 is not able to retire until that third position being filled. That being said, I advise you not to accept unless you are certain you are ready and fully devoted. Do you believe you are ready?

CARA

(containing her excitement)

Yes doctor. I am ready.

DOCTOR

(smiling darkly)

Wonderful. I’m glad to hear it.

(directs his attention to the other 3 nurses)

Walk her through the final two phases of the renaissance again. She needs more practice.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL LAB

The 3 NURSES and CARA are in a room full of cases and cases of synthetic, rubbery looking organs. The only real organs in the room are hearts which are in thousands of tubs of sanitizing liquids which line the entire back wall. NURSE 3 puts on a long pair of gloves, reaches into one of the tubs and pulls out a heart.

NURSE 3

Okay, phase two, purification. Ready for a pop quiz?

CARA nods excitedly.

NURSE 3

Alright so how do you know if the heart is purified of all chemicals and ready to use?

CARA

(confidently)

When all the black has been soaked out.

NURSE 3

That’s correct. Unfortunately, this is the heart of the woman you had practiced phase one on about an hour ago and you gave her a bit too much medication. It’s not going to be ready for a few more hours but since you’re still starting out, we’ll just use a different heart. In the future, don’t make silly mistakes like that, doctor will not hesitate to punish you for it.

They all search the tubs for a quality heart. NURSE 2 finds one and they all move over to the organs.

NURSE 3

So now’s the fun part. Phase three, the construction. You did pretty well on this the last couple of times so I’ll just kind of run through the rules and stuff. First you decide the sex. Then you choose the skin color and work from the feet up. So it goes sex, skin color, shoe size, leg length, hip width, craft the genitals carefully, then torso length, if it’s a girl, breast size, then decide the arm length, shoulder width, and the length and width of the neck. The face is the most complicated part because of trying to get the right face shape and bone structure but once you’ve done that determining the lip size, nose shape and size, eye color and distance, ear shape and size, and the hair color is pretty simple. Did you follow all that?

CARA

Yes, I understand that’s all the stuff I have to do I just have trouble getting the proportions right. I’m making it as a baby so how do I know what all the proportions are supposed to be now and whether it will turn out right when it grows up.

NURSE 3

Proportion charts are hanging all over the room for your convenience. The beauty code guidelines are also listed in various locations of the lab in case you’d like to create someone a certain way but you’re not sure whether or not it’s legal. Even if you screw up, whatever you create will be listed as a malfunction and be monitored closely by the government. If something happens and they aren’t seen fit to exist in society they’ll be taken in and scrapped and reaped. Once again, try not to screw that up too often. Doctor hates mistakes.

NURSE 1

Don’t forget to let the skin cool before you try to put all the internal organs in. If you don’t the body will kind of form around the organs, kind of like when you stick your finger in candle wax and you’ll have to scrap it and start all over. Nothing makes Doctor angrier than that and trust me, you do not want Doctor angry with you. His punishments are always unpleasant.

CARA

(anxiously)

Well what else upsets him?

NURSE 2

(irritated)

Slow nurses! Now hurry up and choose a skin color!

The nurses all decide on a skin color and begin to assemble the mannequin.

CUT TO:

INT. SECOND FLOOR HOSPITAL- NEWLIFE ROOM 1:55 AM

We see rows and rows of what look like incubators. The room seems to go on forever in endless rows. There are at least twenty nurses, if not more in the room attending to these incubators. Two nurses by the names of NATALIE and MADELINE stand together talking. A HUSBAND and WIFE walk up to the glass doors escorted by DOCTOR. NATALIE unlocks the door to let them in.

DOCTOR

Good morning Natalie. The parents are here to asses.

NATALIE

(to the parents)

Come on in. Your son is waiting for you.

NATALIE escorts the couple into the room then nods at DOCTOR who turns and leaves. She walks them over to the incubator where MADELINE is now standing alone. MADELINE pushes a button and the incubator slides open. We see a small boy with lightly tanned skin, gray-blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. He does not look like a baby. He has teeth and looks like an extremely shrunken down two year old.

MADELINE

What do you think?

WIFE

He’s absolutely what I wanted!

(to the husband)

Look honey, they even got the eyes right!

HUSBAND

(looking closely at the child)

Oh would you look at that? They did! I was worried about the whole color mixing thing but it really did turn out great.

NATALIE

That’s exactly what I said to Madeline. He really is a handsome one. You guys did a good job.

WIFE

(happily to Natalie and Madeline)

No, you guys did a good job!

MADELINE and NATALIE smile graciously and MADELINE disappears into the back room.

NATALIE

What are you going to name him?

WIFE

(pouting to husband)

Can we name him Taylor? Please? I just love the name Taylor.

HUSBAND

(irritated)

His name will never be Taylor so quit asking!

The WIFE becomes very silent but obeys her HUSBAND. MADELINE returns carrying a large blue book titled “Boy” and hands it to the WIFE.

MADELINE

Here’s the instruction manual. If you have any questions after you leave, just look in here. It covers everything up until the age of sixteen. Anything you’d like to ask before I go?

HUSBAND

Nope.

MADELINE

Great, then just let me know what the name is so I can fill out some paper work and Natalie will get him all registered into the system.

The HUSBAND looks around uncomfortably for a while, then turns to his silent WIFE.

HUSBAND

How about this? How about we name him Bradley and we take him home? Then we can set up an appointment to have a girl made. She can look any way you want her to and we can even name her Taylor if you really want to. Does that sound okay?

WIFE smiles and nods.

MADELINE

Alright, Bradley then?

WIFE

Yes, Bradley.

MADELINE

Great, then I’ll let Natalie get you guys all registered. Congratulations.

MADELINE shakes hands with both parents then walks over to a row of incubators way in the back of the room.

NATALIE

Okay so this only takes a few minutes but legally, I have to talk you through everything I’m about to do before I do it. You have the right to stop me if I’m doing something you don’t approve of. Do you understand?

HUSBAND

Yes.

WIFE

(hesitantly)

Yes.

NATALIE

Good. I’ve done all the tests to make sure he meets qualifications so all I’m doing now is registering him. First I’m going to take a small amount of blood, are you okay with that?

The HUSBAND nods, the WIFE hesitates but nods after a few moments. NATALIE takes a needle and draws blood.

NATALIE

Now I’m going to mix this fluid with the blood and re-inject it into the heart. Are we still doing okay so far?

The HUSBAND nods. The wife nods at first but then holds up her index finger motioning for the nurse to stop.

WIFE

What exactly does the fluid do?

NATALIE

It allows us to track Bradley. Since he’s a boy, that doesn’t mean too much but mainly it just allows us to be able to look him up whenever necessary and it notifies us if he stops meeting beautycode guidelines. For example, if he were to start sweating, a red light would come on under his name in the system and I would tap on it and it would show me that he was sweating and for how long and potential causes and where he is and all that information. Usually we give a certain amount of time to somehow resolve the malfunction but once time is up, government will take necessary action.

HUSBAND

(to wife)

Sweetie relax. We knew about this already. You and I both have tracking fluid, everyone does. There’s nothing to be worried about.

NATALIE

(impatiently)

I really need an answer! If you wait much longer I’ll have to scrap him and once you’ve scrapped a child, you can’t apply for another one for another five years.

WIFE

But I have the right to say no?

NATALIE

(annoyed)

Yes

WIFE

What happens then?

NATALIE

We scrap him but if you don’t give me a response within the next seven seconds it will be too late to inject and we’ll have to scrap him anyhow.

HUSBAND

Don’t worry about her. She’s fine. Just inject him.

NATALIE

I can’t unless you both agree and I suggest you hurry. You’ve got three seconds.

WIFE

(nervously)

Oh just do it! Go on!

NATALIE injects the baby. He cries and screams for a while then slowly his eyelids close and he falls asleep. NATALIE lifts the baby out of the incubator and places him in the HUSBAND’s arms

NATALIE

Bradley’s going to be down for the next two hours. His chest may stop moving, that’s normal. He should reactivate. If he doesn’t after two hours, the instruction manual has a few options. If that still doesn’t work, bring him back and we’ll either refund you or remake him.

HUSBAND

Thank you Natalie.

NATALIE

You’re very welcome, both of you. Enjoy your little Bradley.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL LAB- 2:45 AM

The NURSES and CARA are all standing around the newlife they had created. NURSE 2 lifts it up carelessly inspecting it. She pulls at the legs and arms and mangles it like a rag doll then sets it down.

NURSE 2

(bored)

Yep, she meets all the requirements.

NURSE 3

Good job Cara. Don’t mind her, you crafted this girl well. There were only minor errors. Normally after this you would take her upstairs to the newlife room and get her in an incubator so they can cook her for twelve hours and run some requirement tests but this was just practice.

CARA

What happens after the incubator?

NURSE 3

A family can buy it, name it and get it registered. Normally families want to construct their own children though. Most of the time we don’t just make mannequins which is why those hearts are sitting there unused. Most of them are being saved for when a family makes a child order but some of them go to the rental service. Are you familiar with the rental service?

CARA

(sadly)

Yes. I grew up in the rental service.

NURSE 1

I grew up in foster care, I think I can relate.

CARA

(confused)

What’s foster care?

NURSE 2

(rolls eyes)

You should stop asking so many questions.

NURSE 1

When I go, they’ll explain everything and you’ll understand why NURSE 2 is so ornery. Until then, go home. The ceremony’s tomorrow and once you’re one of the top nurses you don’t go home.

CARA

Where do I go?

NURSE 2

Enough with the damned questions already! Just scrap the stupid child and go home!

CUT TO:

INT. ARIA’S ROOM-11:15 AM

It is Saturday morning and ARIA is sleeping in. She is lying face down in bed, her mouth hanging wide open and drooling on the pillow. She is snoring loudly and the clothes she had been wearing yesterday are draped over the bench of her vanity. There are clothes all over her bed and she has underwear lying on the floor. A half eaten bag of potato chips is resting on her bedside table and an empty cup, tipped over on its side is lying on the ground next to it. the curtains are drawn and the room is silent aside from the sound of ARIA snoring and breathing. We hear footsteps approaching the door. There is  a pause and then the door flies open and BOB bursts in honking a giant air horn.

BOB

(shouting excitedly)

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIR—

ARIA jumps up in bed startled at first, then reaches over to the drawer of her bedside table and pulls out a can of silly string. She sprays and untangles herself from her sheets as she approaches the door still half asleep in an attempt to spray BOB.

ARIA

(whining)

Shut up!! Get out!

BOB continues to hold the nozzle down dragging out the sound for as long as possible. ARIA struggles but ultimately succeeds to push him out the door and lock it. she takes a moment to brush her hair and put on just enough makeup to cover the zit on her face then unlocks the door and exits the room.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM-11:30 AM

BOB is sitting at the enormous table by himself. There are two extravagant looking plates and a three tier cake with a gigantic candle shaped like the number eighteen at the top. We see ARIA make her way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

BOB

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

ARIA walks past the cake, scoops off some icing, licks it off her finger, then gives her dad a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

ARIA

Thanks dad! Although, I’d like to suggest not attacking me every year, we both know I’m not real friendly in the morning. Besides, there are much nicer ways to say happy birthday.

BOB

There are. And they’d get boring real fast. At least you were prepared this year.

BOB gets up and cuts a tiny sliver of cake and a gigantic hunk and puts them on two separate plates. He sets the giant chunk down on the table in front of ARIA and sets the small sliver down in front of himself. The piece is so big, ARIA has to shift in her seat to see around it.

ARIA

(laughing)

Dad this piece is the size of my head.

BOB swallows his piece in one bite.

BOB

(chewing)

Yeah? So?

ARIA smiles and takes a few small bites, then pushes the cake away from herself.

BOB

So how’s it feel to be an adult?

ARIA

I’ve been an adult for two years now dad.

BOB

No you haven’t! If you were a mannequin you would have been but you’re not so I got a couple extra years out of you.

ARIA

(rolls her eyes playfully)

Whatever you say.

BOB

So I’m assuming you’re waiting for your gift.

ARIA

(blushing)

Dad, I told you I didn’t want anything this year.

BOB

Well I got you something anyways.

BOB gets up from the table and walks over to the kitchen cabinets and pulls out a box then sits back down at the table.

BOB

You’re one stubborn girl and if you really want something, you don’t stop until you get it. before your mother went, she gave me this, told me to keep it safe. I know how badly you want to get out of here so you probably will. And when you do, I’m not sure you’ll be able to come back even if you wanted to so when you’re out there and all alone, I want you to keep this with you and remember how much we love you.

ARIA opens the box and we a see a plain looking necklace. ARIA begins to tear up.

ARIA

She wore this on her wedding day, I remember this.

BOB

(smiling)

Yeah. I hated that necklace. I thought it was God-awful and so plain. Did I ever tell you what she said about that.

ARIA

She said everything in this state was painted to shimmer and sparkle but it’s all a sham. And even though the necklace wasn’t sparkling, it was something real and that meant more to her than any diamond.

BOB

Exactly! And you’re just like her. I saw your room. You don’t give a damn about all that sparkling and shimmering stuff.

There is a moment of silence as they both try to think of what to say next. BOB finally breaks the silence.

BOB

So listen, I’ve got some things to do around the office today but we can do something for dinner if you want.

ARIA

Yeah, that sounds good. I think I’ll probably head down to the beach. With you working so much lately I’m starting to feel like a hermit.

BOB

Alright, have a good day and stay away from that Carter boy. I don’t care what kind of advantages you’re getting.

ARIA

(laughs)

Drop it dad!!

ARIA gets up and walks out of the room leaving her cake on the table. BOB stares at it for a few seconds then grabs his fork and starts eating.

CUT TO:

EXT. LONG BEACH- 12:30 PM

CARTER, AUSTIN and RYAN are all on the beach again. It is sweltering hot and the beach is crowded but hardly anyone is on the shore. The majority of people are in the water. However, the three boys are way up on the shore in the same spot ARIA had been laying out in the sand a few days before.

RYAN

How long do we have to stalk this girl before you move on already?

AUSTIN

Seriously! This is getting really old.

CARTER

You didn’t have to come with me.

RYAN

Are you kidding? You’ve been scoping this girl out for three days straight. Of course we had to come with you. I want to know what’s so great about her that made you fall in love with her so fast.

CARTER

I’m going to tell you one last time, I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER!

RYAN

(pointing)

Look there she is!

CARTER turns quickly in the direction RYAN is pointing but there is no one there. RYAN and AUSTIN laugh and high five each other and RYAN punches CARTER in the arm.

RYAN

(mocking)

I’m going to tell you one last time I’m not in love with her.

CARTER

Drop dead!

RYAN and CARTER begin to bicker and talk over each other. AUSTIN turns to survey the beach and we catch a glimpse of ARIA through a huddle of people. She is standing in the line at the ice cream stand. She takes her ice cream cone and starts walking.

AUSTIN

Carter, I think I see her.

CARTER and RYAN are still bickering.

CARTER

Shut up Austin!

AUSTIN

Stop being an idiot. I’m serious, by the ice cream stand. Is that her? Hurry up before she’s out of view.

CARTER shoves RYAN off of him and stands up. He is struggling to see through the crowd but cannot catch a glimpse of her.

CARTER

Where?! Austin I swear to Christ if you’re lying to me I’ll take—

AUSTIN grabs CARTER’s face and turns it to face where ARIA is standing.

AUSTIN

Stop threatening me for two seconds and open your damn eyes!

(pointing)

The one in the white sundress right?

CARTER squints his eyes then notices her.

CARTER

(excitedly)

That’s her!

AUSTIN and RYAN roll their eyes.

CARTER

(starts walking)

Stay here, I’ll be right back.

RYAN

(to Austin)

She better be all sorts of wonderful because if she’s not I’ll have to choke the life out of Carter for being such a pansy.

Both boys watch as CARTER approaches ARIA. We see CARTER laughing and ARIA takes a step away from him.

RYAN

He’s blowing it. Look at her. She’s not the least bit interested.

AUSTIN

I know. It’s so hard to watch! All you got to do is tell a girl she’s your kind and you’re guaranteed at least a first date. He’s sinking like the titanic out there.

RYAN

The Titanic? What the hell are you talking about?

AUSTIN

You know, that ship. The one from way back when that sank and they thought it wouldn’t. We learned about it the first year in high school. It was supposed t--

RYAN

Austin! Shut up!

RYAN and AUSTIN stare as CARTER struggles to get ARIA to follow him. From across the beach, we see ARIA throw her hands up reluctantly, then both her and CARTER begin to walk towards where RYAN and AUSTIN are standing.

RYAN

I can’t believe it. He’s actually getting her to come over here.

CARTER returns with a big smile on her face and ARIA follows miserably behind him.

CARTER

(to Austin and Ryan)

Guys this is Aria.

(to Aria)

Aria, these are my friends Ryan and Austin.

AUSTIN and RYAN both nod politely and proceed to examine ARIA from head to toe without discretion.

ARIA

(offended)

You know you could at least pretend to be discreet when you check a girl out.

AUSTIN and RYAN exchange surprised glances. CARTER does not seem surprised but is amused by ARIA’s outspokenness.

RYAN

(sarcastically)

Well haven’t you got a pretty little mouth on you?

(to Carter)

You really can pick them can’t you?

CARTER

Ryan be nice.

RYAN

Me? Did you hear how she talked to us? I didn’t even say anything to her. I was just looking. Although I wasn’t looking at much.

ARIA’s mouth drops open and CARTER looks at him apologetically.

ARIA

(dumfounded)

You were looking at me like a piece of steak and I’m the one who did something wrong?

RYAN

(laughs)

Don’t go getting full of yourself. I don’t like you nearly as much as I like steak.

AUSTIN

Alright Ryan, relax. You’re taking things too far.

ARIA

I can speak for myself.

RYAN

(to Aria)

We know you can. I’m just wondering if you know how to shut up?

CARTER

(gives Ryan a warning glance)

Come on Ryan, it’s her birthday.

AUSTIN

(to Aria)

It’s your birthday? Happy birthday! How old are you?

RYAN

Probably twenty-nine. That would explain why she’s such a crab.

ARIA

(rolls her eyes then turns her attention to Austin)

I’m eighteen.

RYAN

Eighteen my ass!

ARIA

(to Carter and Austin)

Didn’t you bring a muzzle for your dog? He just won’t stop barking.

RYAN

(to Carter)

You need a shock collar for this girlfriend of yours. She really needs some training.

ARIA

(to Ryan)

I don’t know what he’s told you but I’m not his girlfriend.

CARTER

(to Aria)

I didn’t tell them anything. They came up with that on their own.

RYAN

(to Carter)

I’m glad she’s not your girlfriend. The girl’s like a rabid Rottweiler.

CARTER

(to Ryan)

ENOUGH!

(to Aria)

I’m sorry, excuse him. he’s just an ass.

AUSTIN

(nodding in agreement)

He really is an ass.

RYAN is silent for a moment then shrugs in agreement. The three of them take a seat in the sand and ARIA makes a conscious decision to sit on the end next to CARTER, further away from the other two seeing as only CARTER knows her secret. RYAN notices this and takes it to mean that she lied  about not liking CARTER.

RYAN

(accusingly)

For someone who’s not Carter’s girlfriend you’re sitting pretty close to him.

They all ignore RYAN and AUSTIN gets up and sits down in front of ARIA and CARTER creating a small huddle between the three with RYAN on the outside..

AUSTIN

So, tell us about yourself.

ARIA

Like what?

AUSTIN

Like why you’re eighteen and none of us have seen you before?

ARIA

I’m pretty close with my family. I spend most of my time at home.

AUSTIN

(surprised)

You still live with your parents?

ARIA

With my dad yeah. My mom is dead.

AUSTIN

You’re an adult, why are you still at home.

CARTER

I don’t think it’s that weird. I’m sure some people stay at home past sixteen.

AUSTIN

Not really. No one I know. At least not until now.

ARIA

Yeah, I guess my life’s a little different

AUSTIN

I guess so.

CARTER

(to Aria)

I’ve been reading up about The Cleansing and natural borns a lot. I’ve been thinking about what you said.

AUSTIN

(to Carter)

What’d she say?

CARTER

(nervously)

Uhh…nothing. She just said she wanted to know more about natural borns and stuff. She’s really into history.

AUSTIN

(laughs)

It all makes sense now.

ARIA

What all makes sense now?

AUSTIN

Lover boy over here has taken a sudden interest in history.

CARTER

(to Austin)

I really don’t know what to say. If you want to think Aria and I have some kind of secret romance, I’m going to let you. You won’t listen if I deny it anyways.

ARIA

Just for the record, we don’t have a secret romance.

AUSTIN

(unconvinced)

Okay

There is a moment of awkward silence as AUSTIN tries to keep the conversation going. They all look around the beach uncomfortably before AUSTIN speaks again.

AUSTIN

So…what do you like to do for fun?

ARIA

I don’t know, lots of things. it changes all the time but lately I’ve been cooking a lot and I’m damn good at it too.

The boys look at her in shock and even RYAN starts paying attention. They stare at her wide eyed until Ryan breaks the silence.

RYAN

(to Carter)

Well look at that! She curses and everything.

ARIA realizes her mistake and blushes red then begins to sweat nervously. CARTER notices her discomfort and smiles awkwardly at her in attempt to ease her embarrassment.

ARIA

I’m sorry, I uh, I, well, like I said, my life is uh a little different.

RYAN

(in honest curiosity)

Are you stammering? I’ve never heard anyone stammer before.

RYAN becomes more skeptical of ARIA. He gets up and walks over to the little huddle they had formed and is close enough to see that she’s sweating. ARIA begins to panic and her breathing gets heavy.

CARTER

(comfortingly to Aria)

You’re fine, just relax.

RYAN

(to Carter)

Are you going to tell me what’s going on?

AUSTIN

( gazes astonished at Aria as he speaks to Ryan)

Isn’t it obvious. The books, her behavior, put two and two together Ryan.

RYAN

(disbelief)

Bull shit!

ARIA squirms uncomfortably under their burning stares and looks to CARTER for help.

CARTER

(laughs)

Are you guys trying to suggest she’s a natural born?

AUSTIN

It’s obvious. I mean look at her. She’s breathing funny, she acts weird, she’s sweaty, she stammers, her skin is turning red, either she’s a natural born or a malfunction.

CARTER

You guys are idiots. You said yourselves, there are no natural borns in California.

RYAN

Carter, we’re not stupid. She’s got a giant red, mountain, zit thing on the side of her face.

ARIA

(gasps)

That was mean!

AUSTIN

(to Ryan)

Be sensitive!

(to Aria)

Where are you from? You weren’t possibly born in California were you?

CARTER

You guys! She’s not a natural born, you’re being rude!

ARIA

(sighs defeated)

Give it up Carter.

24


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59 Reviews


Points: 27
Reviews: 59

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Mon Aug 11, 2014 3:01 pm
Linguistic wrote a review...



I'll just jump on into this :) First, I'm just goin to adress the formatting. I've never read anything that's in a play format, and I can't say I enjoyed it. Did you mean to make it like a play? Because it wasn't flattering to the piece. I feel, and maybe it's just my opinion, that it could be much better if it was in novel form. Where instead of saying "NURSE 1", you say "and the first Nurse said...". That way you can add more description, and we can get to know the characters :)

Another Not-So-Good-Thing: it's VERY long! It's hard to read the entire piece and I found myself skipping big paragraphs. I suggest splitting this up into different "chapters". So it's smaller and easier to read.

Now onto the good things!!!

--I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA! It's very unique, and very interesting :) loved it!
--even though it's in a weird format, there's still pretty good description. I can see the scenes clearly in my head. (Although the descriptions would be even better in novel format ;) still sticking behind that opinion)

And finally:

--The story/play/thing is really planned out, or at least it SEEMS to be :P there's a lot of good plotting, and details that make the piece meaningful

If you change this to novel format, let me know and i'd love to read it again. But if you keep it as a play, i'd love to know why :)

Happy Writing!! :)






Alright so it's been about 9749473 years but I finally found the time to log back on! Thanks for the feedback I really appreciate it. First, to answer your question about the formatting, it's a manuscript...I think, possibly a screenplay. I'm not quite sure what exactly haha but it's written to be made into a movie. In a creative writing class I took my senior year, one of the projects was to write a manuscript with proper formatting and I liked where it was going so I kept writing. i thought about changing it to novel format. I still might, but I'm thinking I'm going to finish up the manuscript and see how I like it before I devote myself to a novel. The next thing was about the nurses. That was also intentional. They have no names and you don't get to know them and it's the same with Doctor. They're on a pedestal, they're ice cold and impenetrable. Also, it's Nurse 1 instead of the first nurse because once again it just makes you feel less connected to them, in my opinion.All that being said, I will take your comments into consideration and make some revisions. Thanks again and i'm glad you liked the idea.



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Sun Aug 10, 2014 10:03 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Wow! This was great I look forward to reading more, this piece kept my attention for the entire time I was reading it. You did a good job editing it too, didn't see any blaring grammar or spelling errors. One thing I was confused about was that I thought Carter hadn't gotten Aria's name when they first met but then he knew it later on.. I might have just missed something but it seemed a little inconsistent. It's a very exciting story/play/movie idea it reminds me a little of the book "Uglies" by Scott Westerfeld. I look forward to reading the next part in this series if you decide to write/post it.

Two suggestions: I felt like the length might have been a bit long for future reference. And it would be nice to have some visual descriptions the main characters as well.

Good job again!

~alliyah





If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"