The Summerwood Series: Summerwood Forest

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I parked in the desolate parking lot for Summerwood Forest, a privately owned tourist "attraction" that Mom always dreamed of going to. Ever since she died in that car accident...I've been trying to fulfill her dreams.

I turned off my midnight blue Lexus and popped the trunk, proeceeding to get my duffel bag with all the camping stuff I had brought. Slamming the trunk closed and clicking my car remote to give my convertible a roof again, I looked around. A group of teenagers and young adults were all at an ice cream stand in the lot, so I jogged over to them to ask where my guides were. I'm camping with a group of other college students from all over the country, so we need multiple guides apparantly.

"Hey, um, do you guys know where the guides for the camping group are? This is my first time here and I know nothing." I said, blushing lightly. One of the guys turned around while a young-looking girl looked over her shoulder. She grinned, her teeth white and sharp. She had a melted-ice-cream mustache and I couldn't help but smile back.

"That would be us!" She chirped. The guy stared at me with an uncomfortably intense gaze, his light amber eyes sweeping me over, like he was assesing me. The girl rolled her eyes and pushed the guy's ice cream onto his face, making him growl. "Sorry 'bout Jace here, he's a little bit creeper-ish. Really he's just wondering how long you can go without tiring. By the way, my name's Miri, and I know I look fourteen, but I'm really two years older. And people say I talk a lot, but I think they're exaggerating. Which college student are you?" Miri took a lick of her ice cream cone, closing her eyes and relishing the flavor.

"I'm Raine Summers. Nineteen years of age." I joked. Miri smiled and one eye crinkled up more than than the other. The other guides finally turned around, bearing their own forms of ice cream. A girl with shadowy brown hair and light brown eyes extended her hand to me.

"Jaida, I'm twenty two, but of course my creeper of a little brother is taking your group out. He's only twenty, and I think it's a little innappropriate, but that's just me." Jaida's voice was soft and deep and somehow reminded me of ash. It was melodious and beautiful and I wanted to hear her talk for a long time. Another guy waved hello and grinned slightly.

"I'd be Micheal." He said, his voice young but deep at the same time. "The seventeen year old boyfriend of the miri flower." I'd heard that miri is a type of flower. The girl who shared a name with that flower blushed deeply, her cheeks turning red. I smiled.

"Nice to meet a Mikey, never got to use that nickname." I said, earning laughs as Micheal's face became shadowed over with anger. Then he seemed to gain control of it and he pouted.

"Don't call me Mikey." He warned. I held my hands up in defense.

"Alright, alright." I said. "Mikey." I added under my breath. Miri giggled and I flashed her a sly look.

"Anyways, this is Benjamin, nineteen, Samantha, eighteen, Hannah, twelve, and Dominic, twenty-one." Jaida introduced. Benjamin had an overgrown light brown buzz-cut that looked ever-so-thick and green eyes the shade of the shadowed leaves in the forest beyond us. He was sort of in shape but looked like he belonged as a lead guitarist for a band in some high school romance novel. Samantha had maroon hair and sea foam green eyes that were big and beautiful, surrounded by pretty, light golden-red eyelashes. She had the body every girl wanted, curvy and tall. But you could barely notice it due to her thin, loose shirt over a white tank top and the baggy pale bluejeans and the basketball sneakers she wore. Hannah was just as beautiful for her age, but more public about it. She wore a form-fitting green tank top that matched Banjamin's eyes, and the shortest dark blue jean shorts legal in the state of Pennsylvania, where we were. She also had maroon hair, and it reached her waist in luxurious thick waves sparkling with golden highlights invisible without light. She had sapphires for eyes and beautiful dark red eyelashes, and all in all I bet she was the most desired girl in her school. Dominic was...intimidating. More so than Mikey, even Jace. He had a five-o-clock shadow and dark chocolate eyes, thick black hair that hung around his ears and a black getup that hugged his muscular body like a second skin completed his look. He was scary and any admiration for his unbelievably hot looks was chased away by the danger and clear back off message in his eyes.

"So, you can sleep in the visitors cabin until the other students get here, and then we'll have a welcome to Summerwood party. Sound good?" Miri broke me out of my observations. I smiled at her.

"Sounds awesome."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The other college students didn't arrive until the weekend was over, and even though I knew there was no school, Monday sucked the life out of me.

"Hey Raine, wake up." I heard a voice whisper in my ear. It made my hair flutter inside my ear canal and make it itch and tickle. I tucked my hair behind my ear and slammed whoever was trying to wake me up in the face with a pillow, then pressing it over my head in the death grip. Didn't stop them, they pulled my pillow away with ease and hit me with it. I bolted upright and hissed in the face of my attacker, Jace. His face was an inch from mine, and I could see the surprise in his eyes.

Heat radiated through me at his nearness, and I could feel the tension between us. It felt as though the room would be ablaze if someone struck a match, due to all the electricity in the air. The corners of Jace's mouth twitched, but he didn't move. Then I felt his hand on my face, so warm compared to the freezing cold air I was greeted with as soon as my blanket was gone. I closed my eyes and turned slightly into his palm, holding his hand against my cheek and relishing in the warmth. Then it was gone. And so was Jace. The door slammed and I mentally slapped myself across the face for reacting to him like that.

I splashed cold water on my face before I left the cabin to embrace "society". I was wearing black cargo shorts and a T-shirt that had a pack of wolves hiding in the deep green foliage it showed. My thick, red-brown, frizzy curls were held back in a ponytail and I wore black sneakers. Content with myself, I went outside to find people. Miri greeted me with a hug before I could get my bearings, and I nearly had a heart attack. I whipped out of her grip, and then twisted her arms behind her back, putting my foot in front of hers so that if she moved she would trip.

"I'm innocent!" She yelled. I let out a breath of relieved laughter and let her go, stepping away.  That's when I realized the atmosphere was different than it should be. Without looking, I knew Jace was nearby, probably laughing to himself over my idiotism earlier. Miri smiled and pulled me away, to a group of kids my age.

"Hey there's Raine!" Jaida greeted cheerfully. I counted thirteen students besides the guides and me. I smiled shyly and squeezed Miri's hand in anxiety. There was a collective sound of hey's and hello's and what up's and wassap?!'s. My confidence grew and Miri pulled her hand away, cradling it against her chest and glaring playfully at me. "You guys have your stuff ready?" Jaida yelled. I closed my eyes and almost facepalmed, but someone set my duffel onto my shoulder and I did an internal retarded happy dance. I opened my eyes and saw that Jace had joined our happy little group. Everyone yelled YEAH! and we were off.

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Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:55 pm

Hey there cinomin, Ita here to review. I'll be doing this as I read, so bear with me.

First paragraph.

I parked in the desolate parking lot for Summerwood Forest, a privately owned tourist "attraction" that Mom always dreamed of going to. Ever since she died in that car accident...I've been trying to fulfill her dreams.
I turned off my midnight blue Lexus and popped the trunk, proeceeding to get my duffel bag with all the camping stuff I had brought. Slamming the trunk closed and clicking my car remote to give my convertible a roof again, I looked around. A group of teenagers and young adults were all at an ice cream stand in the lot, so I jogged over to them to ask where my guides were. I'm camping with a group of other college students from all over the country, so we need multiple guides apparantly.


Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I don't know if it's just me, but isn't a story starting with the death of a mother a tad bit cliche? It does move events along, yes, however, it's been very much overused and overdone. Also, you repeat 'parked' twice in a brief space, try: 'my midnight Blue Lexus pulled over in the parking lot of Sherwood Forest (I'm sure as hell I've heard that name before in a novel/movie or something) (...)'. Of course, for a stronger start you could always go 'I had always tried to fulfill my mother's wishes ever since she died. It was because of this I parked my midnight blue Lexus (...)'. You see? Much stronger that way, it grabs reader's attention and so forth. Also, the last 'apparantly' should be spelled 'apparently'.

Moving on.

One of the guys turned around while a young-looking girl looked over her shoulder


For this to make logistic sense, the 'her' should be 'he', unless the supposed third listener - the camping guide - is female, which I haven't noticed.

"That would be us!" She chirped.


I know this may sound odd - I only just discovered this - but I'm pretty sure the 'she' shouldn't have a capital 's'. Crazy, right? Feel free to chew me out if it's a mistake, I reiterate I'm not wholly certain myself. Also, when Miri next speaks, for the sake of order you may want to start on a new line.

"I'm Raine Summers. Nineteen years of age." I joked


A comma is required instead of the period at the end of the dialogue.

Jaida's voice was soft and deep and somehow reminded me of ash


O.o since when is ash 'soft and deep'? Maybe, possibly, snow, or really ticked off dust gremlins xD work on that simile. Also, lots of people appear to have deep voices 'round those parts. Voices can be different ya know.

"Nice to meet a Mikey, never got to use that nickname." I said, earning laughs as Micheal's face became shadowed over with anger. Then he seemed to gain control of it and he pouted.
"Don't call me Mikey." He warned. I held my hands up in defense.
"Alright, alright." I said. "Mikey." I added under my breath.


As you can see, all the dialogue lacks commas after the final word and before the closing speech mark. I'm afraid that's not exactly an optional when it comes to grammar, you see.

The rest of the description is quite good, although it sounds a bit info-dumpey to me. Do what you will with this though /nazi

"Hey Raine, wake up." I heard a voice whisper in my ear.


I'm fairly positive a comma is required after 'wake up'.

"Hey Raine, wake up." I heard a voice whisper in my ear. It made my hair flutter inside my ear canal and make it itch and tickle. I tucked my hair behind my ear and slammed whoever was trying to wake me up in the face with a pillow, then pressing it over my head in the death grip. Didn't stop them, they pulled my pillow away with ease and hit me with it. I bolted upright and hissed in the face of my attacker, Jace. His face was an inch from mine, and I could see the surprise in his eyes.
Heat radiated through me at his nearness, and I could feel the tension between us. It felt as though the room would be ablaze if someone struck a match, due to all the electricity in the air. The corners of Jace's mouth twitched, but he didn't move. Then I felt his hand on my face, so warm compared to the freezing cold air I was greeted with as soon as my blanket was gone. I closed my eyes and turned slightly into his palm, holding his hand against my cheek and relishing in the warmth. Then it was gone. And so was Jace. The door slammed and I mentally slapped myself across the face for reacting to him like that.


Ooooo-kay, we're amping the tension here a teensy bit, I can see. Still, is he deranged, or what? I mean I'm sure I've seen that kind of madman in a novel somewhere, but still...

Your chapter is fairly good, however it picks up fairly weakly, moves along better, then splutters down back into 'bleh' territory again near the end.

Sorry if this seemed harsh, I try to be objective/constructive, believe it or not.

Hope this helped,
~Ita


#TeamRed

Thanks for the comments! :) I was just feeling really bored when I wrote this, and just read a different story so I had that whole way of writing stuck in my head. I'll try to make the next chapter or part better, becuse even I see the clicheness of this.

Wow, this is an old review :)

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SkyLore
Review
SkyLore wrote a review · Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:24 am

Hello! Sky here.

Spelling Corrections:

I'm camping with a group of other college students from all over the country, so we need multiple guides apparantly #FF0000 ">Apparently.


The guy stared at me with an uncomfortably intense gaze, his light amber eyes sweeping me over, like he was assesing #FF0000 ">Assessing me.



Nicks and Picks:
The girl rolled her eyes and pushed the guy's ice cream onto his face, making him growl. "Sorry 'bout Jace here, he's a little bit creeper-ish. Really he's just wondering how long you can go without tiring. By the way, my name's Miri, and I know I look fourteen, but I'm really two years older. And people say I talk a lot, but I think they're exaggerating. Which college student are you?" Miri took a lick of her ice cream cone, closing her eyes and relishing the flavor.


Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please don't attack your readers with a huge paragraph. They'll end up skimming through it and missing your story, which (hopefully) is not what you want. Let's try it this way:

The girl rolled her eyes and pushed the guy's #FF0000 ">his ice cream onto his face, making him growl.
"Sorry 'bout Jace here, he's a little bit creeper-ish. Really#FF0000 ">, he's just wondering how long you can go without tiring.#FF0000 ">" #FF0000 ">The girl smiled brightly. #FF0000 ">"By the way, my name's #FF0000 ">name is Miri, and I know I look fourteen, but I'm really two years older. And people say I talk a lot, but I think they're exaggerating. Which college student are you?" Miri took a lick of her ice cream cone, closing her eyes and relishing the flavor.


You don't have to do it exactly like this, but something like it is acceptable.

Miri smiled#FF0000 ">, and one eye crinkled up more than than the other.


Jaida's voice was soft and deep and somehow reminded me of ash. It was melodious and beautiful and I wanted to hear her talk for a long time. Another guy waved hello and grinned slightly.


It looks like as if your thoughts are disorganized in this paragraph. Try getting rid of all the 'and's.

Example:
Jaida's voice was soft but deep. Although it reminded me of ash, it was also melodious and beautiful, filling me with the wanting of her to talk for a long time.
It wasn't long until another guy waved hello and grinned slightly.


Overall:
Before this review becomes unbearably long, I'll end it here. Throughout the rest of the piece is the same thing: grammar and wording.
Not to say that this piece is bad, because it isn't. It's far from bad. You just need to watch out for spelling mistakes (we all do it, don't worry :P) and you need just a little work on your descriptions of characters, places, etc.
Also, I don't think it's such a good idea to introduce so many characters to your readers. Save some characters for the next chapter, at least. But introducing so many at the same time will leave your readers confused and frustrated.

I hope I was help to you, and I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece c:
Keep writing,

Sky.

Thanks for the advice, I think I was zoning out during this. I'll try to make my next chapter better.



As a former (and rather excellent) liar herself, Aru knew that, sometimes, speaking the truth felt like wrenching a thorn out of your side. But doing the opposite meant pretending it wasn't there. And that made every single step ache. It was no way to live.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality