long lasting pain .

by ghostskinsx
  • January 12, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Other

On the eve of her pain, she screamed their names.
On the eve of her pain, nobody came.
The day of her pain, she could barely walk.
The day of her pain, she could hardly talk.
During her pain, her vision was blurry,
During her pain, she told him to hurry.
They said, 'I love you' and 'You'll be okay',
She didn't say much, just went away.
On the day of her pain, they screamed and cried,
On the day of her pain, their hope died.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
evanrith
Review
evanrith wrote a review · Mon Jan 19, 2009 9:50 pm

I got this poem as either a pregnancy or she had cancer one of the two that I saw. First of i don't critieque style or grammar only the message so onto the message. This was dark and eloquently so. It didn't say anything unnessicary and left us, the reader, to think about what actully is happening which is always a good thing in my book because it gives people more freedom to draw there own conclusions. Nicely done and i would like to see some more of your poetry.

User avatar
*writewatiwant*
Review
*writewatiwant* wrote a review · Mon Jan 19, 2009 7:13 pm

Hey ghostskinsx! Welcome to YWS! First, your avatar rocks! Really like the picture.
Here on YWS we have a 2:1 policy. It means before you post anything, you have to review on somebody else work. That way the reviews keep coming.
So, on to the review!
This is actually nice. The repetition on the beginning of each line fits well. The rhyming is adorable. it is a bit unclear. It has meaning, but we can't really see what happened. She suffered. We just don't know of what. The last two lines are confusing. They who? We don't know. As for grammar, I didn't saw any mistake. This was a nice read. And it could be even better! So, work on it :D
That's all I have to say. If you need anything just PM me!
Welcome aboard!
-Kat



Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand