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Faulty Memory

by ghost223


A beautiful girl named Ivu Yuki was in an orchard walking through rows upon rows of apple trees, when she suddenly stopped. She looked behind her to follow the long shadow cast by a bright light behind a single tree—the tallest in the entire orchard. She walked toward the tree. It’s a pear tree. How had she not noticed it.

She climbed to the top and takes the only pear from the only pear tree amongst one-hundred apples on one-thousand apple trees. Ivu descended and walked toward the ethereal light behind the tree and, as she walked, she noticed that the light was getting dimmer and dimmer. Soon, the light vanished completely.

Ivu looked around. All she saw were pear trees. In her hand, she holds an apple with a bite missing from it. A snake slithered down one of the trees and around her ankles. When it finally came to a rest, it peered up at her. Suddenly, a hidden vision from the past flashed behind her eyes. She had seen this snake before.

Ivu was walking through an orchard of pear trees when she met a snake watching her from the ground. The snake was asleep.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Serpent, but I’ve been walking for so long. Are any of these pears able to be eaten? I’ve been eating apples for so long,” Ivu asked.

“None of these are any good, but I can tell you how to get to my special pear tree. Just keep walking in the direction you are and you’ll see a light shining on a single pear tree in a sea of apples; however, you’ll wanna hurry. I think there’s just one pear left.”

“Thank you, Mr. Serpent!” The girl exclaimed.

“You’re welcome, but may I ask your name?”

“Of course. It’s Ivu Yuki. It means Snowy Eve.

“Eve, huh? I like that. Anyway, have a good day,” the snake grinned.

The vision ended there. She had been deceived. She’d been warned not to eat apples, so she had requested a pear. The snake tricked her.

“I hear him coming,” The serpent had said. “You’re in trouble now.”

Those words echoed in her mind as she collapsed to the floor; Eve was just another beautiful girl poisoned by an apple. She should’ve known better than to talk to a snake.


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235 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 235

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Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:25 am
inktopus wrote a review...



The first thing I noticed while reading this was your starting sentence. Your starting sentence is supposed to be your hook. It needs to pull your readers into the story. Yours was not very strong. It almost feels like the middle of the story rather than the beginning.

I know a reviewer already pointed this out, but verb tense changes ran rampant in this. Not only is it incorrect, it is confusing.

The story was kind of hard to follow, and it wasn't very clear when she was remembering something and when something was currently happening.

My favorite thing about it was how you intertwined the two narratives together. It was hard to tell where Snow White stopped and the story of Eve began. I really liked that the mixing of the two plots wasn't forced and you put your own twist on it.

I think that if you edited this you could have a pretty solid short story on your hands.




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12 Reviews


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Fri Jan 27, 2017 12:59 am
geoffles wrote a review...



Hello ghost223! Fox here!

I try to be fair so I'll point out good things as well as the not so good things. :> I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh (I'll try not to) it's just short stories/flash fiction is my passion. ;w; keep in mind that everything here is my opinion, so don't take it too seriously.

So. Right off the bat it would be cool if you could describe the main character. Let us get to know her. My creative writing teacher is an accomplished horror writer (actually, yes) and like he says, "a big question is why should we care?" why should this story matter to the reader? If you add a bit of description, artfully, of course, it might draw more attachment and involvement with the character (Ivu).

Which brings me to my next point. It seems to me that the name Ivu Yuki kinda... doesn't fit. (*sweats nervously*). I get that it's supposed to have meaning, being Japanese and poetic but... well. It sticks out quite a bit. It's hard for the reader to get into something when they have to wrap their head around the oddity that is words. It doesn't blend in with the rest of the story much.
It might be an improvement if you tried getting rid of one-half of the name. So that it was simply Ivu or Yuki. Or mesh those names together and create a new name that flows a bit better.

grammar wrote:Ivu looked around. All she saw were pear trees. In her hand, she holds an apple with a bite missing from it. A snake slithered...


***Just a note that the switching of tenses is a bit confusing right here.

Plotwise it's a really interesting concept. I love the idea of a strange folktale of the girl and the snake, a warped version of Eve and the serpent. It literally sounds straight out of a fairytale. You've retained that strange quality that comes with folklore and that's super cool.

Unfortunately, you kinda lose me at the end. Between the switching out of the vision and the final lines, it's a bit confusing. I don't entirely understand what's going on.

fav line wrote:She should’ve known better than to talk to a snake.

I love this line. It sounds really poetic and it's a great finish. It kinda leaves me wanting more. :>

Overall a great draft! Has loads of potential, good stuff, great stuff, etc. Very interesting read! Coming from a strictly catholic family (i don't practice) it was kinda like Deja Vu. I'll have to read more of your work.

Keep writing!

Later gator!

-Fox



;w;




ghost223 says...


Ivu means "Eve" in Japanese and Yuki is "Snow"



geoffles says...


yup. i did my research. ;> my point is it kinda sticks out. ;w;



ghost223 says...


So does "geoffles"



geoffles says...


yup! but i'm not exactly surrounded by "normal names." look i have no beef with you at all. i'm just trying to offer the input that many of my english teachers have given me.

Gaudy names kind of distract from the story. I get that you were establishing a hidden meaning within the name but it's not really necessary because not only do your words convey enough of that hidden link between Snow White and Eve, but also because it doesn't entirely fit with the story as it distracts the reader.

Add to that, the fact that there is no other truly "named" character in the story to balance out the gaudy name (eg: another Japanese name, perhaps related to adam or some other reference). Even Mr. Serpent is still called "Mr. Serpent." You could probably balance it out by renaming the serpent after it's Japanese equivalent. (A quick google translate search--which i by no means trust--shows that "hebi" is the english alphabet translation.)

Or--another idea! If you definitely want to keep the name, set the world so that it's relevant. Allude that it's somewhere where this name is considered "ordinary." That will probably smooth things out as well.


But hey--i really don't have any beef with you bruh. i'm just trying to help. :> (ahh this probably seems really helter-skelter and crazy. sorry! i just finished a math quiz). ;w;



ghost223 says...


Hey, I'm not offended by anything. :) Don't be so defensive. -punches your shoulder-



geoffles says...


;w;




Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson