Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
As they arrived at Lexi's house, a two-story building only a few blocks from school, they saw her mother already waiting on the porch. She had the same worried look from this morning and Lexus knew precisely why. Lexi discreetly gesticulated to her pocket, more specifically the object inside, in a way that put the looming mother at ease. She motioned not to the pocket, but to the knife as if to say that it remained there collecting balls of lint for the day. As soon as her mom knew everything was ok, a smirk fell upon her face as they neared. Lexi's mom started walking towards the two girls. Ally, this entire time, was too engorged in her thoughts to see what had just occurred. By the time they actually reached each other, Lexi’s mom was grinning brightly and Ally returned to the normal world.
“Hey, Ms. B,” Ally chirped in a dreamy voice.
“Please, call me Judy,” she said, still grinning like a possum.
“Alright,” Ally grinned back.
After a few moments of cheery small talk, they went inside. Once they got in, Lexi quickly set the knife on the living room table and the two girls bolted up the stairs to Lexi's room and closed the door, although not exactly sure of their intentions.
“So what now?” Lexi asked.
Ally grinned as the two girls slowly inched towards one another. Eventually, they were so close that Lexi could feel Ally's hot breath mixing with hers.
“Girls, what do you two want for dinner?!” Judy screamed at the base of the stairs and almost reflexively, the girls stepped apart and blushed at each other.
They both responded with their favorite food: fish sticks with mac 'n' cheese. The girls shared a lot of favorites: from books to movies to music to food to fashion and even favorite color combinations.
Judy replied with a sharp, but curious “okay,” and departed for the kitchen.
Judy Berge was an odd woman with an even stranger past. She was always picked on as a kid; even when she tried to fight back, she was so weak that she'd get exhausted after the first punch. She had a rare illness called Osteogenesis Imperfecta which caused her body and bones to be extremely fragile and weak, so her father, a former gym trainer eagerly worked out with Judy to build up strength. After half a year, the results were pleasing. Soon, she had the abilities of a normal kid her age and could beat up any kid who tried to mess with her; however, she chose not to. She waited for them to try again. To try and steal her lunch money or kick mulch at her, but they never came. After six months, the bullies got bored with her and moved on to some other outcast. Instead of retaliating, she found a boy she liked, they dated in high school, got married and had a child named Lexi. A few months after the girl's birth, her father started drinking, and when it finally became a problem, Judy divorced him and took Lexi along. After that, the family started to fall apart. Judy had her drugs and Lexi, her knife before she was even twelve years old. Recently, Judy started going to rehab sessions to try and break her addiction. Lexi never wanted help like her mother, but now, she has a reason to live. A reason to quit.
As Judy stood up, Lexi and Ally both noticed a little bug about the size of an arachnid at the base of the thigh of a woman who had an intense fear of spiders. With this, the girls laughed for awhile. After a while, Judy came upstairs with the food and they all ate together happily.
“So, girls, the teacher called, I always forget her name, anyways, she says that there's something you two need to tell me.” Judy said perking up her shoulders as a gesture that she was entirely clueless.
“Yeah,” Ally paused, “We're...” her voice trailed.
“Ally and I are...dating.” Lexi said the words in a way to suggest that she was questioning it.
“Are you asking me or telling me?” Judy questioned, her cheery voice unfaltering.
“Ally is my girlfriend, mom.” Lexi replied with more confidence.
With that, both Lexi and Ally turned a bright shade of red.
“I'm glad it's you, Ally, and not any of those other trashy girls at your school.” Judy complemented, smiling brightly.
Lexi and Ally were both overjoyed to hear her acceptance. Judy then left the two girls alone in Lexi’s room for privacy after she finished her dinner.
The two girls sighed contently after the door shut to assure that they indeed had privacy. They both decided what they wanted to do: sleep and listen to music. So, Lexi tuned the old, dusty radio to the local rock station, hopped on the bed and just rested in each other’s arms, both of them too deep in their own thoughts to sleep. They thought about how life would pan out with each other and slowly, they both closed their eyes to imagine what the future would hold. However, less than a minute later, their dream-like states were interrupted by a thunderous bang downstairs.
After the crash, there came some rustling, another, more deadly bang, and then, nothing.
The girls simultaneously looked at each other, bursted through the closed door and ran to the stairs, but on their way down, they were cautious and as quiet as a mouse.
As they reached the landing, they could see the remnants of a break-in: random stuff scattered about, the door wide open, broken glass and countless other belongings, and the final thing, the very last thing made the girls' hearts drop. For within the cluttered remnants of the House of Two Lovers, they saw something that could be described only by three words. Words that were spoken clearly and slowly by Ally.
“Oh my God...”
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Hello, hello to you ghost! (I absolutely love your avatar, by the way - that's gorgeous!)
Now I'll just be extremely eager to read the next part. (Maybe that will answer some of my questions like the knife and, what's with the title: House of Lovers?) This story certainly has a lot of potential and I hope you see that and keep on writing. I'm very sorry if this review came across as harsh or insensitive - goodness, that was not what I was striving for! And if you have any questions, do let me know. Remember: keep on writing, and have a great day.
I've been seeing this chapter around while scrounging for something to review and you know what? I did it. Well, I will do it, that is. I'm here to review this for you.
I did not however, read the first chapter so if a lot of my reviewing is affected by that lack of whatever happened... then, my sincerest apologies. I shall try and do what I can.
The characters themselves, are a little confusing. Well, okay, not confusing, just sort of bland. I don't have any personality quirks or character traits from Lexi or Ally. They're just simply two girls in love with each other. If you switched the names of the two girls, replacing their roles, I wouldn't even notice. Would you? These are your characters and maybe in your head you see how they are and its just perfect. But you need to show their individuality. As of right now, I'm struggling to really connect with these people. You've stated that they're similar in theirs likes and dislikes but what makes them different, what makes them friends? Or, in this case, lovers?
Your plot is interesting. So far, it seems to be flowing along pretty nicely but in a lot of instances I had this issue with telling instead of showing. For example, this one sentence totally ate at me: They both decided what they wanted to do: sleep and listen to music. Why only keep it at "they decided"? Why not just go ahead and actually show them doing it? You don't have to completely elaborate on it, you could keep it simple like, Ally said, "Let's take a nap and hey, we should listen to music!" Then, Lexi will say something in agreement and that's that. This would not just make it fun, but enhance the characters personalities in their words.
You did have a lot of grammatical errors in here, but I'm not going to point them out. If you'd like me to I'd be happy to but right now I'm just trying to focus on the actual story.
One thing I have to say about the first paragraph is - I think it was the second sentence, that mentioned "Lexus". I'm not sure if that was a typo, but it confused me for a moment there and I honestly thought Lexus was another character. But no, its Lexi.
Once the girls have that 'moment' in Lexi's room, you state: Judy screamed at the base of the stairs and almost reflexively, the girls stepped apart... Okay, I see the picture. The girls are in the room with the door shut, as was previously mentioned, and Judy's screaming what do you want to eat at the foot of the stairs. Yet, this happens: As Judy stood up, Lexi and Ally both noticed... Um, what? First off, when did Judy sit? And secondly, how did the girls even see her?? Shortly after this Judy came upstairs with the food and they then proceed to eat. In Lexi's room. This made me raise my eyebrows in surprise. Since when do people eat their meals together in bedrooms upstairs? I don't know - that seems rather odd to me.
Oh, and that ending, though! I love cliff-hangers so you did not disappoint me. At all.
cheers!
-TheKid
Firstly, read the prologue and the first chapter FIRST
Secondly, the Judy stood up part was originally somewhere else and that all got lost in editing. My bad haha
I did read it, both actually and whew, that answered some questions, but most of my review I still mean wholeheartedly.
Thanks for the read!
Stay tuned for more because I've written the book already, but I need coins, so you just gotta give me time <3
Sorry for taking so long to review. Not sure if there is much I can say I about this chapter. I was sweet to see the interactions among the characters, although I do have some criticism for dialogue punctuation.

For example: it should be “Ally and I are...dating,” Lexi said the words in a way to suggest that she was questioning it.' The same applies to anything similar to that. But that is really all the criticism I have to offer.
The cliffhanger ending was very successful in making me lean forward in my seat and grow eager for more
It gets better