THE DEAFENING TRUMPETS BLEW
THE BLAZING LIGHTS GLEW
PEOPLE WOKE UP FROM THEIR SLUMBER
FRIGHTENED, SHOCKED AND MOVED IN LUMBER
JUDGEMENT DAY THAT EVERYBODY REACHED
TO ACCOUNT FOR WHICH THEY WERE PREACHED
THE ONES WHO DID GOOD DEEDS
WORE SILVER DIAMOND BEADS
THE ONES WHO DID BAD DEEDS
WERE TORN AND LEFT TO BLEED
THE HEAVEN AND HELL WERE READY
EVERYBODY STOOD STEADY
THE TWO BOOKS WERE GIVEN TO GOD
AS HE IS THE CHERISHER AND THE LORD
HE DECIDED TO GIVE A CALL
TO ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE JUDGEMENT HALL
THE DEVIL WAS CAGED
TO WHOM THE GOD WAS RAGED
HE CALLED US ONE BY ONE
VERDICTED ON WHAT WE HAVE DONE
SOME WERE WEEPING SOME WERE SCARED
SOME WERE DELIGHTED AND SOME WERE DARED
WHEN THERE CAME MY TURN
TO HIM I CRIED AND BEGUN
GRANT ME HEAVEN
HE SHOWED ME MY BOOK
I HAD A GLASSY LOOK
IT MADE ME LITTLE SHOOK
AS HE HANDED ME THE BOOK
THE ANGELS ACCOMPANIED ME ON MY WAY
TO THE PLACE CHOSEN FOR MY STAY
AS A RESULT OF THE DEEDS I HAD CROPPED...
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello!
So overall I didn't really like this. I do like that you have some tension build up through the poem. You do a good job with keeping suspense going and making the reader continue forward. I think you have a good way with narrative, but as a poem, I didn't really like it. I think you were way too heavy handed with the rhymes. A lot of them just sounded cheesy because you've constructed this poem around them instead of around the images that are potentially there for this judgement day. I also feel like because everything is in caps, you really had to reach for a higher range, and that sort of failed the poem too. Think of it like a roller coaster, if you start at the top of the hill, you don't have the suspense of getting up there. Instead, you have to start at the bottom of the other side and gradually crawl up so that when you plummet, you've built all that suspense visually. Here, we're at the top of the mountain and there's no where higher to go when you're looking for that higher place for "He" and you end up using bold and italics, which just makes the poem look a bit tacky.
I think if you backed off using the caps lock, you'd find that the poem had a lot more space to really get into the volume you're looking for. You have a really good way with suspense and I think if you pushed that with using caps and lower cased letters you would find that you have a lot of room to build it even farther. Thanks for sharing this with us.
You jus want me to convert whole into lower case right? And nothing else?
Looking forward to your suggestions..ghsnjs for reviewing
Shift the appropriate points into lower case, but not necessarily all of it, yeah. Working on making a poem rhyme better is pretty hard, so I'm not really worried about that.
ok aley i will see to it! thanks keep reviewing my other work too..
It is a nice start, good for someone who just started to upload his/her work.
I'm not really a fan of religion, but even so, I can say I liked "THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT".
One thing I didn't like (and this is only my opinion) it's the happy ending, for I use to dislike a perfect and happy finale, but in spite of that, very good job.
thanks alot! i will be uploading my other work too kindly let me know of any changes!