Every since the day we left
Seems I've been under stress
For my family was all I had
But I told like a rat
I thought about what I had did
and it seemed alright
Should he be punished for his neglecting us
No I say because were his children and that's our dad
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
to be honist, it was a little short; that's not always a bad thing, but in this case, i think you should expand on the poem.
like another reviewer said, you really need to change the 'what i had did' line, it really doesn't work, use the other reviewer's examples, they're ok.
i would like to know a bit more about what had happened though, what the poem was really about.
I agree with the other posters. This poem makes no sense and is incoherent. It shows promise, and seem like the skeleton of something bigger... I suggest you do a lot of rewriting, and stick to a plot. Tell us a story with your words, and make it flow. That's what really good narrative poetry does. Welcome to YWS, and don't be discouraged. You can only get better!
No punctuation. Strange, incoherent lines. Halfway through, the poem barely made any sense. In the end, it still didn't make much sense, due to the poor execution and grammar. Try working on your grammar, because it's hard to understand poetry if it's written wrong. Hell, it's pretty hard to understand normal poetry. All in all, a brave effort, but sorry no, not a very good poem.
Imagery. Metaphor. Nonexistent.
This was very short (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but it became kind of incoherent by the end. It starts at the line "But I told like a rat", which makes no sense at all. The rest of the stanzas from that point on really have no connection to each other, and that's what makes them confusing and incoherent. I suggest going back and elaborating on how one thing lead to another. How are each of the ideas connected? Explain that in the poem itself, and you'll have a better poem.
It's kinda hard to review something so short, but I'll give it a shot anyway.
Grammar! "Had did" should be either "about what I did" or "about what I had done." I think the second one sounds a little better though, personally.
The poem overall was simple, and while sometimes that technique works for making it seem more honest and pure, it made this poem a little dull. I also didn't understand the line "But I told like a rat." Told what to who? I'm confused as to what's going on! And you say the day we left...we who? You and your friend, wife, husband, dog, brother, sister - the list could go on forever.
That last couple of lines seemed odd to me...I thought you were the one who'd done something wrong, but now you talk about it being your dad who you forgive as if he made the mistakes? Overall, I'm...confused...