....

by getalifeashley
  • July 7, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

.....

Comments & reviews · 3
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SimonCowellLuver
Review
SimonCowellLuver wrote a review · Wed Jul 07, 2010 3:12 pm

Poem overall was great. I like the rhyme but the syllables seem off. You got good rhyming but how you did it was off because when i read it it seemed not to match with each line. Make sure to have similar syllables. Overall It was good. I like the topic.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

SimonCowellLuver :smt031

User avatar
Button
Review
Button wrote a review · Wed Jul 07, 2010 6:04 am

This piece was great-- the rhyming scheme was really smooth, seemed almost flawless in its subtlety. There was only one area that seemed a bit forced:

He says that I cannot hide,
the other says I can confide
within him, my deepest thoughts

In this part, I would change the last line.. it doesn't flow very well, interrupted my reading a bit. I would also omit the last line. It is unnecessary and seems forced. Other than that, I think this was wonderfully done. It was subtle, and conveyed the emotion and confusion very well. Great job. :)



For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein