I sighed as Camrie told me,
"Gintri my dad is sick again we cant go... I'm sorry." camrie prettymuch said to herself.
thats my name Gintri, or my first middle name that is. my full name is Taylor Gintri Zaphora Lightwood.
"Cameron, I told you not to call me that." i said teasingly.
"Fine then, Taylor." She said seriously.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was a pretty short piece right there...barely looks to be a full scene there, so I am wondering exactly what this one is meant to be here, because at the moment it isn't very clear what its trying to be and without too much context it is a bit hard to review this thing here.
Anyway, moving past that little thing, I'm still going to try and say what I think of the couple of lines of dialogue that we do get in this piece...so, getting right to that...I see that we have what looks to be the protagonist introducing themselves to the readers while another person randomly talks of what looks to be plans being cancelled there.
At any rate, the only thing that I manage to decipher here is a tiny hint of our protagonists personality where they seem to not like being called by their middle name and this other friend keeps forgetting that. At least that's sort of the vibe that this gives off here.
At any rate, that is currently everything I can get from this..so well I can't say anything is bad here based off of that, although there are quite a few missing capitals and such you may want to look into. Its a pretty good couple of dialogues we've got here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
First of all, I think it's the start of a great story. But, you might want to revise your beginning a little.
Instead of, "I sighed as Camrie told me," how about, "My bad mood that day grew darker when I heard the depressing news Camrie had in store for me."
You want a beginning sentence to draw the reader in.
I was thinking of making the sentence about her first middle name a sentence your reader can relate to, such as, "Yup, that's my name. Well, my first middle name. Gintri. Pretty stupid middle name, huh? That's all I have to say. In the mean time, keep up the good work! I can't wait to read the rest of the story. <3
Okay, this is very confusing! Is this the first chapter or have you posted before?
Make the chapters longer and since this is in Novels you should mark it with like
"Heartbeats. Ch 1" or something like that.
"i said teasingly." The I is always a capital. And you should start the chapter with a nice beginning so we know what is happening.
Otherwise welcome to YWS hope you'll enjoy your stay here and if you need anything don't be afraid to ask somebody.
This is too small to review. Make it longer and I will review.