The stranger

This was an okay piece. I felt like it was the start of something though, rather than the whole thing. The way you touched on her mother having cancer seemed like a building block for something bigger.

The imagery you used was beautiful and your writing ran smoothly.

I specifically liked this paragraph, 'A far cry from the girl thrown into an austere adult world, with all its ugliness, helpless events and unjust consequences. These thoughts seemed selfish in the extreme but came as a necessary escape, and Lily was allowing herself that little luxury for the time being.' Again, it touched on something bigger. That she was having a hard time dealing with her mothers illness and needed to get away, to forget about her problems, even just for a little while.

The cliffhanger at the end, again, felt like it should lead to something.

I think this is a good foundation for a longer piece.

This was an okay story. I will say not much happened in the story. Basically it delivers a vague scene of her moving to a rural town and then laying down to meet the boy of her dreams. However this is okay for the style that you seem to be going for, its a dream like brief scene into a life/ event. The detail is much appreciated else the story would have not much to go on.
The story leaves a lot to be wanted for, but given its a dream it can serve a higher meaning.
if you had a larger story filling after it. But there is much to be desired at the end. All the meaning this story has is what a girl desires in a mate.
Thats basically it. Other than that, it was an okay story.

"The move from everyday suburbia to a sleepy rural village was beginning to have an adverse effect on Lily, although she knew in her heart that the enforced change was one that could not be avoided."

or

The move from everyday suburbia to a sleepy rural village had an adverse affect on Lily. She knew in her heart that the enforced change was one that couldn't be avoided.

Your last line should lead directly to the cancer fact. (although I would prefer you didn't tell us, and that you showed us. imagine showing her dealing with nausea from the chemo) You talk about memories, just get straight to it.

"as the poison that is cancer slowly taking her already ebbing life away."

This line was a little awkward. It's a little too poetic. Try making it simpler. Cancer is cancer, just writing the word will stir emotions. (although hemingway use to say never put too much pressure on one word, and to not rely on it's shock. He thought you should bury them in a sentence. Anyone my point is you don't have to dramatize cancer for the reader to know how grave it is. We know it's awful.)


"It had only been a couple of days and Lily’s thoughts were turning to those of a stereotypical 17-year-old girl, boys, fashion, magazines, music and of course boys."

Again show me this. Why not show her going through a magazine and focusing on a guy/model she liked. Then you can say...

"These thoughts seemed selfish in the extreme but came as a necessary escape, and Lily was allowing herself that little luxury for the time being."


"As she walked closer, the sound of the fish breaking the surface grew louder."
This was confusing its like you've already told us there's a fish at the surface but actually its the first time. (this wouldn't be a loud sound either.)

"The sun had lowered and the sky painted an array of pink, orange and yellow."

or

The sun had lowered and an array of pink, orange, and yellow painted the sky.


"Lily slowly closed her eyes and drifted off with her happier thoughts, as time drifted too. An age could have passed unnoticed." Sort of strange, not sure why you mention time drifting away. You don't need to if your goal is to simply make this mystery man surprise her. We're with your character drifting away, this guy will be surprising when he comes. Also I thought it felt a little surreal when he came. It works, and I think you did that on purpose.

"this perfect looking stranger." please give him flaws, and your main character she needs some flaws too. I'd omit this line, the way you describe him says he looks great. Trust your reader.




A couple of things I like your story, you've got a girl who is 17. She's going through a bad time because of her mother. (cancer) She's fighting through the anxiety to reach some normality that's her right as a teenager. Mystery guy comes in. Which reminds me, I've been at many lakes/ponds and drifted away into thought and no mystery girl ever came along. Am I doing this wrong?
Be mindful of cliches. I have a lot of critique. I don't want that to discourage you. I liked it, I just want to push you in the right direction.

One thing though. It's practically a sin for me. "THIS NEEDS DIALOGUE!" I love dialogue, and readers love it too. I've never met a person who says they'd rather a story that didn't have any. Dialogue is another part of the character's voice. (other than her thoughts) How does she speak, interact with the world.

A user below me mentioned grouping the paragraphs. I wouldn't. Why? Because smaller paragraphs makes the reader go through it faster. This is what published novelists have told me, and reiterated to me. It's important. It's part of the flow, and many paragraphs flows quickly.
You don't want a block, you want to break up your blocks. I'd say you're doing okay with the sizes.


I clicked on this story because of Albert Camus. Not sure if you know who that is. But he wrote a famous novel titled The Stranger. It's amazing. I recommend you read it if you haven't. It's really short.

Hi! Here to review your short story! I'm just going to start with my thoughts after I finished reading it. Honestly, I didn't want it to stop. Cliffhangers will do that and you can't always control dreams, but I challenge you to write more of this, it seems like it could get very interesting. I do like your choice of wording it's very intellectual and you use a lot of detail which is always good when writing a story because it places the reader inside that world. I think that you could have combined one or two of the paragraphs to make them a tad bit longer because while you don't want one paragraph, too many can make it seem a little bit choppy. Short and sweet little review here but I believe Imaginator17 wrote most of what every one is probably thinking while reading this. Any who, please think about making this into a longer story, I would really enjoy it!
xoxo
GossipGirl

Hey there! Imaginator17 here, and before I start I just realized you signed up to YWS today, so if no one has said it, I'd like to welcome you to the Young Writers Society .

I really liked your writing. It was clear, and figuratively beautiful at times. There wasn't much awkwardness in your writing at all. It all flowed very well. And for a short story it's difficult to create a setting clear to the reader, because.. well, it's short, and most people don't focus on the scenery. Which you do but not to a very clear extent, but before I get into that, I'd like to talk about the things I loved when reading this.

From the word "The" at the beginning of the first paragraph, to the word "Stranger" at the end of the last paragraph ("The" "Stranger", I just realized! haha did you do that on purpose? If so, nicely done haha) you made it feel as if I was reading a dream. Especially with sentences like "The smell of lush grass and blooming scent filled flowers burst through Lily’s open bedroom window, as if tempting her outside to an awaiting dalliance, or so she would wish" and "Long brunette locks trailing in the warm summer breeze, Lily was about to swap her unexciting existence for emancipated escapism" I loved those two particular sentences, although, I think you could go further with your writing and write with this style even more, because I feel like after those types of sentences, the quality becomes a little more basic. Not by much, but I think you should keep that style consistent and throughout the whole short story, because it takes me slightly out of the whole dream-esque you've got going on.

I understand this is a short story, but the ending, makes me feel as if it ended in a rush. Like halfway through the story you stopped. What happens with the "Perfect Stranger"? Was that all there was to be? Or was there more? Was the story about a girl who moved from the suburbs to a rural area to go near the lake to take a nap and wake up to an attractive stranger? If so, I don't think that makes for a good short story, however, it makes for a great beginning chapter. I'm not sure if you write novels or plan to but I think turning this into a novel, or at least a longer piece of work could really help the reader enter into this dream like theme you have going on. Because, even though it's short, it feels incomplete.

I liked how you described certain parts of the scenery, but you didn't capture all of it. It gave me a good idea of where she was, but I didn't exactly know where she was. I know she was at a lake surrounded by very nicely described flowers, but besides that I didn't know anything else setting wise. Where there trees? Why was the path so narrow? Was she in a forest? (Sorry if it sounds like i'm nit-picking).

"Mum had retreated to her safe-haven that only the happiest of childhood memories could secure. Surely, this would bring her the solace that she deserved, as the poison that is cancer slowly taking her already ebbing life away." I liked the paragraph, Especially the last sentence but I'm curious to know why this was brought up in the story if it never got referred to at the end of the story? That's another reason why I think you should continue to make it longer, because you just dropped a huge statement, and it completely disappears. It's an adding factor to why I believe the story feels incomplete.

Well, that's all I have to say (Actually, I lied, I would like to say that your writing is really great, and I look forward to reading more works from you)

Keep on writing!
Message me if you have any questions,

Imaginator17.

I love the idea of writing one of your dreams. I've wanted to do the same for a while. Of course, in the dream I want to write, I end up dying...