Chapter Four
It took us about 30 minutes to reach the mystery destination. Adrenaline pumping through my veins the whole way there, the sheer speed brought the cool wind across my face, throwing my hair back against the seat. I had not felt this terrified since I jumped of the cliff. I shuddered internally at the memory of that terrifying day. When the car stopped, Ryder tied a scarf around my eyes and told me to hang on. I sat there with my eyes closed (as they had been the entire ride) in the comfortable black leather seats wondering what the big surprise was. I was twirling my thumbs with boredom when gentle hands wrapped around my right arm and I felt the car door open. I tripped and stumbled blindly to where Ryder was pulling me, my hands itching with anticipation wanting to rip this blindfold off to see where I was. I felt my body being pulled to a stop, and the blindfold being carefully removed. I gasped when it fell away. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, high up in the mountains, and the sun was setting. Pink, red and yellow beams of light, stretching its fingers out to touch everything in the horizon. It was undeniably beautiful. He smiled, all of his perfect white teeth showing. “Well? What do you think?” I nodded and motioned for him to be quiet. I was taking in the surroundings, amazed that this little slice of heaven had not been destroyed in the blast. He chuckled and stepped back, letting me enjoy the moment. Finally I spoke, able to recover my ability to speak.
“This is…amazing. Ryder, how did you find this?” I turned around to him, clutching his arms, insisting he tell me. “I come here to think. I found it a couple of months ago, it’s a good place to just sit…and watch.” He glanced down at my hands, still grasping his arms. I let them go hastily, embarrassed. I could feel myself blushing, and I picked at the edge of my jumper, not knowing what to say. The grass looked so green and soft; I sat down and gazed up at the now, magenta sky. Watching as it changed into a dark and rich navy blue, dotted with sparkling specks of silver and gold. I closed my eyes and relaxed, taking in big deep breaths of sweet mountainous air. I opened my eyes to see Ryder staring at me, a look of wonder on his face. Before I could get any words out to ask him why he was staring at me, his hands gripped my face and his soft lips were connected to mine. It was as if the explosion had gone off inside of me, all I could see, feel and breathe was Ryder. In addition, I loved it. I never wanted this feeling of longing and being finally loved to end, it was pulling me into its alluring charm. My arms wrapped around his neck, one hand in his hair and the other running up and down his muscular back. My heart was hammering like a train doing 60 miles an hour down a sharp decent and my cheeks were again the colour of an Indian sunset, gold and pink. In between desperate kisses, he whispered my name. Ryder’s kiss was more then romantic, it was need and love. His lips finally stopped moving and I opened my eyes to stare straight back into his liquid violet ones. "I think I love you Gypsy Michaels." Was all he said, and although I wasn't ready to openly admit it quite yet, I was falling for him too.
We lay there in silence for what seemed like hours, neither one of us wanting to speak and disturb the nirvana we were enjoying. We stared at each other, our eyes memorizing the others face. It was the most romantic thing I had ever done. Nevertheless, eventually Ryder looked at his watch and sighed. He stroked my cheek with his fire hot hand and traced my face. I knew without him saying anything we had to go now. I got up and brushed myself down, removing leaves and little bits of tree from my hair. He smiled at me and pulled me into his arms, I closed my eyes contently and sighed. I liked it like this. It was as if we were the only two people in the world. Before I would have thought that was true, but now I knew about his family I knew this was not so. I felt him gently kiss my hair and then he pulled away. “Let’s go Gypsy. You have training tomorrow and I wouldn’t want you tired, it might kill you.” He joked gently. When he smiled it did not reach his eyes, I could see he was concerned about my safety tomorrow. I was going to open my mouth to say I would be OK. However, I knew he would just argue, and I did not want to ruin the moment. I smiled and grabbed his hand as we walked back to the car, watching each other the whole time, not needing to watch where we were going.
The ride home was much the same. This just boosted my confidence. Not. It was terrifying. I sat there in the chair my eyes squeezed shut. He saw my fright and slowed down with a quiet chuckle. He reached out for my hand, which I took blindly, with my eyes closed tightly in fear. We were back to the field sooner then I thought we would be. I peeked through my lashes, squinting in the bright light of the garage. “We are home, Pocahontas. Do not look so surprised at technology. We actually have it pretty good these days.” I stuck my tongue out at him and smiled. It was somewhat nice him calling me a name. I guess I would have to give him a name, but I could not think of one that would fit him. Maybe Adonis, I could see that working. I pushed the thought away and took his hand to help me out of the car. Out of nowhere, a smell so strong hit me. It smelt of fire and electricity. A storm was about to hit, i could feel it. My legs buckled and I fell into Ryder. "Are you OK?" he pulled me up so I could see his face. "Shut the roof. NOW!" With a look of horror, worry and astonishment on his face, he touched the button to shut the roof. It sped shut and within seconds a wave of water crashing into the earth and massive cracks of thunder were heard. "Wow... they were right...," said Ryder quietly to himself, his eyes tightening and his jaw clenching. "I could smell it, and feel it." Ryder looked at me as I tried to put together what just happened. "I knew it was coming Ryder."
He let out a deep breath, "I know." Before I could say anything, he went through a door beside the car. It was long, white and had a glass handle. I decided to follow him given the only way I knew back into the house was outside, and while that storm was here, I was not going back out onto the top. I grabbed the handle and twisted it. It opened with a soft click and swung backwards. To my surprise, it opened into the hallway of the house. I quickly walked through and it swung shut behind me. I turned around so I could remember what door it was but all that greeted me was a blank and unpromising wall. It was a secret entrance! I tried banging against it but it did not open much to my dismay. I frowned and glared at the wall. I huffed back to my room, ripped off my clothes and drew myself a warm and soothing bath. After a while, the tranquility of the water got to me and I succumb to its gentle sway. I was lying there, zoning in and out of reality. I was always so tired here it was very strange. I got out of the water and put on my white, cotton pajamas. I decided to make myself some coffee, so I plodded down to the kitchen. I pulled out the instant coffee and my mug. The aroma of fresh coffee smelt nice, like home I thought. I poured it out into my cup and splashed some milk in there as well. I was sipping away quietly when Ryder walked in; he seemed unaware of me sitting there. His eyes glazed over and he was muttering to himself, incoherently so fast it was like hearing gibberish. I put down my cup gently and walked over to him carefully, I did not want to startle him if he was sleepwalking. “Ryder? What’s wrong?” I put my hand on his shoulder and turned him around to me. When he saw me, his eyes unglazed and he collapsed onto the counter. I turned his head around and put it to my ear. He was breathing and he seemed alright. It was almost as if he was under a trance. I was getting sick of this life or death thing so I went and filled a glass of water up and splashed it in his face. His intake of breath was sharp and he stood up as straight as a pole. “What happened? Last thing I remember was drinking my…why am I here?” He snapped, when he saw how I looked when he spoke, his face became blank. I looked at him, and sighed in relief. At least he was OK. “I don’t know what happened. I was drinking my coffee, you came in acting all weird, and then you passed out. What were you drinking?” he looked at me as if he was going to avoid the question. Ryder must have grasped the concept i wasn't going anywhere and sighed. “I was drinking a serum; it stops me from transforming into something every time my emotions get the better of me. I must have done something wrong this time I brewed it. I just need some water.” He walked over to the sink and stuck his mouth under it. He slurped away, apologized and walked out of the room. I stood there, stunned but grabbed my coffee cup, shrugged to myself and walked out after him.
Ryder’s bedroom was the total opposite of mine. It was dark; everything elegantly furnished in polished wood. Dark red curtains covered the windows. His bed had a canopy of beautiful black, gold and dark green silk hanging over dark timber posts. The carpet was a dark burgundy red and a dim bedside lamp was the only thing that lit up the room. There were paintings of his family as well, sitting royally with crowns, suits and beautifully elegant dresses. It made my heart hurt to look at it. This was what he lost, and every morning when he woke up, he was reminded of it. He walked over to a polished wood secretariat desk in the corner of the room, and gulped the last of the potion sitting there in a flask. He made a disgruntled sound and I pulled back the covers of his bed so he could climb in to get some rest. I tucked him in tightly and stroked his cheek. We kissed gently and then I switched off the light. While I was standing at the door, I spoke, “Goodnight Ryder. See you tomorrow.” He smiled, closed his tired eyes. I shut the door and walked out, smiling to myself.
I lay there on my bed; my eyes squeezed shut and grinning to myself. I liked this feeling. I needed to get some sleep though. I crawled under the covers, the cool fresh linen feeling nice against my warm skin. I relaxed into the covers and closed my eyes. I kept thinking about the day we shared together, the first we had since I had arrived. It was a good memory, one of the ones you could tell your grand kids about. I could almost imagine myself, sitting there on my brown leather couch; old with soft wrinkles lining my skin. My hair a long silver mane and my golden eyes sparkling with wisdom. Sitting in a cottage, photographs hung from the wall's dipicting every important event in my life. Small children sitting around me, wanting to know more about Nana's adventures. I drifted off, replaying the day in my head.
I woke up early the next morning, the sun was still rising and the skies were a magenta and orange mix. I sat up and stretched, glancing at the illuminating digital clock next to me. It was 6:00 am. I yawned and muttered to myself that I may as well get up because there was no way I was going back to sleep now. I got out, had a shower, and put on a pair of grey trackies and a t-shirt. I wandered into the kitchen and was surprised to see Ryder sitting there already, staring out the window.
“Ryder? You are up early. Are you feeling any better?”
He glanced up at me and smiled. “Yes, much better. Sorry you had to see that. I promise it won’t happen again.” He reached out for me and I snuggled contently into his black sweater covered arms. I could feel that today was going to be over cast and by looking at what he was wearing, he was going to need a coat. “Grab a jacket before we leave,” he looked at me strangely as if he did not know why “Its going to get cold, I can tell.” He nodded stiffly and his arms tightened around me. “Gypsy, I want you to promise me something. If this gets too…” he looks like he was searching for the right word, “too much to deal with, please let me know and we can take a break for today. OK?” I nodded solemnly, but I knew I would work better if I pushed myself, I did not like it but I learnt better and faster. I worked my way out of his arms and walked over to the massive pantry. I grabbed myself some cornflakes and milk and tucked in, not wanting to take too long. He watched me while I ate a vaguely disgusted look on his handsome face. I was putting some more into my mouth when he spoke, “Is that nice? It tastes terrible to me, but I’ve never had much patience for cereal…” I smiled at him, my mouth full of food; I stopped quickly realizing the horrible sight he was witnessing. I finished my mouthful and thought. “Well…” I started, “It’s nice but I only have it once in a while, it can get a bit boring, kind of like sandwiches.” He chuckled and nodded his head in agreement but his eyes were still tight and not quite where we were now. I put my dishes in the sink and turned to him, wrapping my long golden arms around his neck. “Ryder…please relax. Everything today will go fine.” He looked down at me and stopped admiring the ceiling. His beautiful eyes, a soft lavender colour today in the dull kitchen light, were searching my face to be sure I was telling the truth. I guess he decided to believe me because he bent forwards and kissed me with plain and unprotected angst and fire. His unexposed need melted me and I crumbled into him, my will turning into ash with every kiss. My body was a live wire; I could feel his strong hands in my hair and his soft, luscious lips against my neck. I pulled away from him, panting. I did not want to but if I was going to get anywhere today, I had better not be thinking about this. He bent down and kissed me one more time, and then it hit me. Like a battering ram, a vision entered my head. Familiar faces, faces of royal portriats I had seen the night before - Ryders family. They were running in the trees in the dead of night but I could not see what they were running from. A woman shrieked and fell in the distance, blood covering her green dress. A red haze covered the screen of my vision. Then a flash of light, the one that happens when he transforms and I looked hurriedly down. I could see chocolate coloured paws and I knew instantly I was Ryder. Only one thought fuelled me now. That bastard must die. In addition, I started to run, faster then a train. Into the dark and unforgiving forest after an unknown victim, one I wanted to kill.
comment and tell me what you think. thanks all XD
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Chapter Four
It took us about 30 minutes to reach the mystery destination. Adrenaline pumping through my veins the whole way there, the sheer speed brought the cool wind across my face, throwing my hair back against the seat.
I had not felt this terrified since I jumped of the cliff. I shuddered internally at the memory of that terrifying day. When the car stopped, Ryder tied a scarf around my eyes and told me to hang on. I sat there with my eyes closed (as they had been the entire ride) in the comfortable black leather seats wondering what the big surprise was.
I was twirling my thumbs with boredom when gentle hands wrapped around my right arm and I felt the car door open. I tripped and stumbled blindly to where Ryder was pulling me, my hands itching with anticipation wanting to rip this blindfold off to see where I was.
I felt my body being pulled to a stop, and the blindfold being carefully removed. I gasped when it fell away. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, high up in the mountains, and the sun was setting. Pink, red and yellow beams of light, stretching its fingers out to touch everything in the horizon. It was undeniably beautiful.
He smiled, all of his perfect white teeth showing. “Well? What do you think?” I nodded and motioned for him to be quiet. I was taking in the surroundings, amazed that this little slice of heaven had not been destroyed in the blast. He chuckled and stepped back, letting me enjoy the moment. Finally I spoke, able to recover my ability to speak.
“This is…amazing. Ryder, how did you find this?” I turned around to him, clutching his arms, insisting he tell me.
“I come here to think. I found it a couple of months ago, it’s a good place to just sit…and watch.” He glanced down at my hands, still grasping his arms. I let them go hastily, embarrassed. I could feel myself blushing, and I picked at the edge of my jumper, not knowing what to say.
The grass looked so green and soft; I sat down and gazed up at the now, magenta sky. Watching as it changed into a dark and rich navy blue, dotted with sparkling specks of silver and gold. I closed my eyes and relaxed, taking in big deep breaths of sweet mountainous air.
I opened my eyes to see Ryder staring at me, a look of wonder on his face. Before I could get any words out to ask him why he was staring at me, his hands gripped my face and his soft lips were connected to mine.
It was as if the explosion had gone off inside of me, all I could see, feel and breathe was Ryder. In addition, I loved it. I never wanted this feeling of longing and being finally loved to end, it was pulling me into its alluring charm. My arms wrapped around his neck, one hand in his hair and the other running up and down his muscular back.
My heart was hammering like a train doing 60 miles an hour down a sharp decent and my cheeks were again the colour of an Indian sunset, gold and pink. In between desperate kisses, he whispered my name. Ryder’s kiss was more then romantic, it was need and love. His lips finally stopped moving and I opened my eyes to stare straight back into his liquid violet ones.
"I think I love you Gypsy Michaels." Was all he said, and although I wasn't ready to openly admit it quite yet, I was falling for him too.
We lay there in silence for what seemed like hours, neither one of us wanting to speak and disturb the nirvana we were enjoying. We stared at each other, our eyes memorizing the others face. It was the most romantic thing I had ever done.
Nevertheless, eventually Ryder looked at his watch and sighed. He stroked my cheek with his fire hot hand and traced my face. I knew without him saying anything we had to go now. I got up and brushed myself down, removing leaves and little bits of tree from my hair.
He smiled at me and pulled me into his arms, I closed my eyes contently and sighed. I liked it like this. It was as if we were the only two people in the world. Before I would have thought that was true, but now I knew about his family I knew this was not so.
I felt him gently kiss my hair and then he pulled away. “Let’s go Gypsy. You have training tomorrow and I wouldn’t want you tired, it might kill you.” He joked gently. When he smiled it did not reach his eyes, I could see he was concerned about my safety tomorrow.
I was going to open my mouth to say I would be OK. However, I knew he would just argue, and I did not want to ruin the moment. I smiled and grabbed his hand as we walked back to the car, watching each other the whole time, not needing to watch where we were going.
The ride home was much the same. This just boosted my confidence. Not. It was terrifying. I sat there in the chair my eyes squeezed shut. He saw my fright and slowed down with a quiet chuckle. He reached out for my hand, which I took blindly, with my eyes closed tightly in fear.
We were back to the field sooner then I thought we would be. I peeked through my lashes, squinting in the bright light of the garage.
“We are home, Pocahontas. Do not look so surprised at technology. We actually have it pretty good these days.” I stuck my tongue out at him and smiled. It was somewhat nice him calling me a name. I guess I would have to give him a name, but I could not think of one that would fit him.
Maybe Adonis, I could see that working. I pushed the thought away and took his hand to help me out of the car. Out of nowhere, a smell so strong hit me. It smelt of fire and electricity. A storm was about to hit, i could feel it. My legs buckled and I fell into Ryder.
"Are you OK?" he pulled me up so I could see his face.
"Shut the roof. NOW!" With a look of horror, worry and astonishment on his face, he touched the button to shut the roof. It sped shut and within seconds a wave of water crashing into the earth and massive cracks of thunder were heard.
"Wow... they were right...," said Ryder quietly to himself, his eyes tightening and his jaw clenching.
"I could smell it, and feel it." Ryder looked at me as I tried to put together what just happened. "I knew it was coming Ryder."
He let out a deep breath, "I know." Before I could say anything, he went through a door beside the car. It was long, white and had a glass handle. I decided to follow him given the only way I knew back into the house was outside, and while that storm was here, I was not going back out onto the top.
I grabbed the handle and twisted it. It opened with a soft click and swung backwards. To my surprise, it opened into the hallway of the house. I quickly walked through and it swung shut behind me. I turned around so I could remember what door it was but all that greeted me was a blank and unpromising wall.
It was a secret entrance! I tried banging against it but it did not open much to my dismay. I frowned and glared at the wall. I huffed back to my room, ripped off my clothes and drew myself a warm and soothing bath.
After a while, the tranquility of the water got to me and I succumb to its gentle sway. I was lying there, zoning in and out of reality. I was always so tired here it was very strange. I got out of the water and put on my white, cotton pajamas.
I decided to make myself some coffee, so I plodded down to the kitchen. I pulled out the instant coffee and my mug. The aroma of fresh coffee smelt nice, like home I thought. I poured it out into my cup and splashed some milk in there as well.
I was sipping away quietly when Ryder walked in; he seemed unaware of me sitting there. His eyes glazed over and he was muttering to himself, incoherently so fast it was like hearing gibberish. I put down my cup gently and walked over to him carefully, I did not want to startle him if he was sleepwalking.
“Ryder? What’s wrong?” I put my hand on his shoulder and turned him around to me. When he saw me, his eyes unglazed and he collapsed onto the counter. I turned his head around and put it to my ear. He was breathing and he seemed alright. It was almost as if he was under a trance.
I was getting sick of this life or death thing so I went and filled a glass of water up and splashed it in his face. His intake of breath was sharp and he stood up as straight as a pole.
“What happened? Last thing I remember was drinking my…why am I here?” He snapped, when he saw how I looked when he spoke, his face became blank. I looked at him, and sighed in relief. At least he was OK.
“I don’t know what happened. I was drinking my coffee, you came in acting all weird, and then you passed out. What were you drinking?” he looked at me as if he was going to avoid the question. Ryder must have grasped the concept i wasn't going anywhere and sighed.
“I was drinking a serum; it stops me from transforming into something every time my emotions get the better of me. I must have done something wrong this time I brewed it. I just need some water.” He walked over to the sink and stuck his mouth under it. He slurped away, apologized and walked out of the room. I stood there, stunned but grabbed my coffee cup, shrugged to myself and walked out after him.
Ryder’s bedroom was the total opposite of mine. It was dark; everything elegantly furnished in polished wood. Dark red curtains covered the windows. His bed had a canopy of beautiful black, gold and dark green silk hanging over dark timber posts.
The carpet was a dark burgundy red and a dim bedside lamp was the only thing that lit up the room. There were paintings of his family as well, sitting royally with crowns, suits and beautifully elegant dresses. It made my heart hurt to look at it.
This was what he lost, and every morning when he woke up, he was reminded of it. He walked over to a polished wood secretariat desk in the corner of the room, and gulped the last of the potion sitting there in a flask. He made a disgruntled sound and I pulled back the covers of his bed so he could climb in to get some rest.
I tucked him in tightly and stroked his cheek. We kissed gently and then I switched off the light. While I was standing at the door, I spoke, “Goodnight Ryder. See you tomorrow.” He smiled, closed his tired eyes. I shut the door and walked out, smiling to myself.
I lay there on my bed; my eyes squeezed shut and grinning to myself. I liked this feeling. I needed to get some sleep though. I crawled under the covers, the cool fresh linen feeling nice against my warm skin. I relaxed into the covers and closed my eyes.
I kept thinking about the day we shared together, the first we had since I had arrived. It was a good memory, one of the ones you could tell your grand kids about. I could almost imagine myself, sitting there on my brown leather couch; old with soft wrinkles lining my skin.
My hair a long silver mane and my golden eyes sparkling with wisdom. Sitting in a cottage, photographs hung from the wall's dipicting every important event in my life. Small children sitting around me, wanting to know more about Nana's adventures. I drifted off, replaying the day in my head.
I woke up early the next morning, the sun was still rising and the skies were a magenta and orange mix. I sat up and stretched, glancing at the illuminating digital clock next to me. It was 6:00 am. I yawned and muttered to myself that I may as well get up because there was no way I was going back to sleep now.
I got out, had a shower, and put on a pair of grey trackies and a t-shirt. I wandered into the kitchen and was surprised to see Ryder sitting there already, staring out the window.
“Ryder? You are up early. Are you feeling any better?”
He glanced up at me and smiled. “Yes, much better. Sorry you had to see that. I promise it won’t happen again.” He reached out for me and I snuggled contently into his black sweater covered arms. I could feel that today was going to be over cast and by looking at what he was wearing, he was going to need a coat.
“Grab a jacket before we leave,” he looked at me strangely as if he did not know why “Its going to get cold, I can tell.” He nodded stiffly and his arms tightened around me.
“Gypsy, I want you to promise me something. If this gets too…” he looks like he was searching for the right word, “too much to deal with, please let me know and we can take a break for today. OK?”
I nodded solemnly, but I knew I would work better if I pushed myself, I did not like it but I learnt better and faster. I worked my way out of his arms and walked over to the massive pantry. I grabbed myself some cornflakes and milk and tucked in, not wanting to take too long.
He watched me while I ate a vaguely disgusted look on his handsome face. I was putting some more into my mouth when he spoke, “Is that nice? It tastes terrible to me, but I’ve never had much patience for cereal…”
I smiled at him, my mouth full of food; I stopped quickly realizing the horrible sight he was witnessing. I finished my mouthful and thought. “Well…” I started, “It’s nice but I only have it once in a while, it can get a bit boring, kind of like sandwiches.”
He chuckled and nodded his head in agreement but his eyes were still tight and not quite where we were now. I put my dishes in the sink and turned to him, wrapping my long golden arms around his neck.
“Ryder…please relax. Everything today will go fine.” He looked down at me and stopped admiring the ceiling. His beautiful eyes, a soft lavender colour today in the dull kitchen light, were searching my face to be sure I was telling the truth.
I guess he decided to believe me because he bent forwards and kissed me with plain and unprotected angst and fire. His unexposed need melted me and I crumbled into him, my will turning into ash with every kiss.
My body was a live wire; I could feel his strong hands in my hair and his soft, luscious lips against my neck. I pulled away from him, panting. I did not want to but if I was going to get anywhere today, I had better not be thinking about this.
He bent down and kissed me one more time, and then it hit me. Like a battering ram, a vision entered my head. Familiar faces, faces of royal portriats I had seen the night before - Ryders family. They were running in the trees in the dead of night but I could not see what they were running from.
A woman shrieked and fell in the distance, blood covering her green dress. A red haze covered the screen of my vision. Then a flash of light, the one that happens when he transforms and I looked hurriedly down. I could see chocolate coloured paws and I knew instantly I was Ryder.
Only one thought fuelled me now. That bastard must die. In addition, I started to run, faster then a train. Into the dark and unforgiving forest after an unknown victim, one I wanted to kill.
Hope this helps. Long paragraphs are torture to readers.
It took us about 30 minutes to reach the mystery destination. Adrenaline pumping through my veins the whole way there, the sheer speed brought the cool wind across my face, throwing my hair back against the seat.
^ That's still not that great but it's not as random (and silly).
Did she really feel free? I think it would be more terrified. At least that's the description you gave in Chapter One.
When the car stopped, Ryder tied a scarf around my eyes and told me to hang on. I sat there in the comfortable black leather seats wondering what the big surprise was.
Since she's not blind when they pulled up I'm assuming she's seen something already, why not have him blind fold her earlier? Or better yet, have him tell her to blindfold herself while he's driving!
The rest of the first paragraph is amazing, good descriptions. You really drew in the reader, letting them feel her emotions and you painted such a beautiful picture.
Be careful with the word "demanding" it has more of a harsh feeling. Try the word "insisting", it's softer.
Delete the unneeded word "as".
OK. So, you know me to well, you could probably finish my critique on this one part, but before you assume, I must say I LOVE THE NEW FIRST KISS! The description is so much better, JUST LOVE IT. The whole way through while i was reading it, I kept thinking "DARN, I want to be her!"
Ha-ha now, that being said - I still strongly dislike how fast the love thing is happening. I'd even be satisfied if he loved her, and said that last line:
the reason why is, he's saying "think" which makes it seem more OK.
I never wanted this feeling of longing to end, it was pulling me into it's alluring charm.
"I think I love you Gypsy Muchaels." Was all he said, and although I wasn't ready to openly admit it quite yet, I was falling for him too.
We lay there in silence for what seemed like hours, neither one of us wanting to speak and disturb the nirvana we were enjoying. We stared at each other, our eyes memorizing the others face.
See now that still keeps to how you want them to feel but it also tones it down, because face it, they sound like lunatics, crazy, not human people when you make them love that fast, it's kind of uncomfortable to read. Never the less the description of it is written well, but you just need to come back down to earth, if you want them to feel that way that fast, you got to show more! I can probably never tell you that enough.
I'd either delete this completely or re-work it, because it screams Edward Cullen, not that I mind, because I love Mr. Cullen, but I think Stephanie Meyer would be offended.
He reached out for my hand, which I took blindly, with my eyes closed tightly in fear.
I don't think it sounds smooth, her coming to this conclusion on her own.
Out of nowhere, a smell so strong hit me. It smelt of fire and electricity. A storm was about to hit, i could feel it. My legs buckled and I fell into Ryder. "Are you OK?" he pulled me up so I could see his face. "Shut the roof. NOW!" With a look of horror, worry and astonishment on his face, he touched the button to shut the roof. It sped shut and within seconds a wave of water crashing into the earth and massive cracks of thunder were heard. "Wow... they were right...," said Ryder quietly to himself, his eyes tightening and his jaw clenching. "I could smell it, and feel it." Ryder looked at me as I tried to put together what just happened. "I knew it was coming Ryder." He let out a deep breath, "I know."
(I also cut his overreaction out)
Another silly mistake we all make.
He smiled, then closed his tired eyes.
Finish your sentence Missy!
It was a good memory, one of the ones you could tell your grand kids about.
I could almost imagine myself, sitting there old, with soft wrinkles lining my skin.
.. One more thing, where is she sitting? With who and why? Finish her imaginational fantasy.
Ha-ha, I liked this sentence, it was cute/funny.
I think here you should reinforce why you know what Ryder's family look like. Try writing it like this.
Like a battering ram, a vision entered my head. Familiar faces, faces of royal portriats I had seen the night before - Ryders family. They were running in the trees...... (you know the rest)
Oh and “fueled” should be with two “l’s” “fuelled”
Very strong finish, I liked it.
AND I WANT MORE.
Hehe. I missed your writing.
Once again, forgive me, I know this took forever!
Telina
Hi!
I've read all the chapters you've put up so far, so I might point out that you're posting too many chapters and not reviewing enough of other people's works. You need to keep it at a 2:1 ratio. You've posted four chapters, so you ought to have posted a lot more than 3 reviews.
Story-wise... First of all you need to space this out a lot more. At the moment, in all your chapters, it's one block of text with a few paragraphs thrown in. You should start a new paragraph each time someone says something. So here,
It should look like this:
As to plot and characters. It's cliched and reminds me far too strongly of Twilight. Gorgeous guy meets gorgeous girl, gorgeous guy has mysterious powers, gorgeous girl develops mysterious powers, there's werewolves and outcast royalty and a big bad guy in the background. It's all been done before. Anything with werewolves and vampires in has to be radically different to Twilight to pass. It's better to avoid them completely, but that isn't always possible.
And Ryder has a snazzy car. That's too Twilight.
Even if you havn't read Twilight, or didn't mean for this to be fanfiction-esque, it is. This isn't meant as an attack on your work or anything, but constructive critism to stop you carrying on too far with a Twilight-esque story.